So upset about splitting the restaurant bill

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:12 pm

amother Ivory wrote:

Again who is it classy to?

Sitting there tallying up on a pen and paper when the waiter hands you the bill in an upscale restaurant is not classy.
I've been there and done that.
It's ok.
I'm not classy.

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:15 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

And who cares about classy? Classy when you can’t afford it is just foolish. Op I agree with you

Did you read what I wrote?
I didn't write splitting up the bill is classy.
For the record, I wouldn't do it. Om not paying anyone's food out of budget.
I couldn't care less.

(For the record, when we go out with family, we usually order the least according to my budget, and it's usually covered by one family member- not "officially" planned, the plan is always to split. They never let me pay though, because of my financial status, and even knowing this, I don't go all out and order the cheaper appetizer lol)

amother

Oxfordblue

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you everyone for your responses I feel so validated.
Relatives asked us a couple times to join and we declined. We felt uncomfortable letting them know the reasoning was our financial situation. We decided to make it work this time. We made sure to take the bill first and wasn't that complicated to divide. We took 2 dishes. And we'd split tax and tip. No calculators needed.

I don’t even see how this should come down to “financial difficulties please understand “. To me it’s more of “um no I will pay for what I ate because otherwise I’m way overpaying and that’s not fair”.

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I didnt realize it was just one other couple.
I would do what HonesttoGd does, too.

My total is XYZ. (Let's say your total is $50, and the total bill is $200 - you say "my total is $50", and your relative says "let's split it makes more sense, we'll each pay $100." I would look at them like their off and say "make sense how? My total comes out to $50, how does it make sense for me to pay $100?" And just flag the waiter down and ask them to charge my card $50 and the reminder on your relatives.card..

So frustrating OP!
I don't go out to eat often and nickle and dime each choice

amother

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:23 pm

CPenzias wrote:

OP- now that so many of us validated you, are you going to say something to your relatives?

I appreciate everyone's suggestions. The one I'm going to stick with is not going out with them again. And to be upfront next time if we do go out with others. I don't want to approach them now about what happened because they will make a big deal and gossip. And be sarcastic about it in the future.

ra_mom

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 9:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Relatives asked if we can join them to dine out. We are tight on money. We decided to join but order minimum. We took it a step further and looked at the menu before hand and decided what to order as not to overspend while in the moment. Besides main course Relatives ordered appetizers drinks desserts wine. We did not take from it to show we are not paying for it. Bill came. As I'm dividing the tip and tax relative grabs it and says way easier to just spilt. I said I rather not. Relative says makes no sense. And too much of a hassle . It got uncomfortable and we just split it. Was 85 extra for us.
It's bothering me too much

I'm so sorry that happened to you! That is really rude of your relative. Not to mention clueless.
Everyone is responsible to pay their own way unless agreed by all. They need to read the room.
I wouldn't be surprised if they are shallow and socially not reading clues in other areas as well.

WhatFor

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:01 pm

It's normal to split the bill when everyone's charges are pretty close to each other. It's no way normal to suggest a bill split when someone will be paying eighty-five??!! dollars more than what they paid for. (Unless you've all agreed in advance to pay entirely for someone else's plate, like if you're treating someone.)

One of my former work colleagues (not Jewish, in case anyone tries to spin this as some frum-cheap thing) actually had an app, where you could take a picture of the receipt, add people, and drag the charges to different people. We used that even just for work drinks, not even food. This was in NYC and he was usually one of the more socially savvy people in the room. No one thought he was classless and we all appreciated that he whipped out the app and told us what we owed. There's just no reason that someone who ordered a 5 dollar beer should be splitting a bill with someone who ordered three 18 dollar cocktails. To argue that it's "classier" is "emporor has no clothes" level of denial.

Now I'm imagining my colleague downloaded that app after a few too many experiences with people like OP's relatives. "Schnorrers" perfectly sums them up.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:02 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Sitting there tallying up on a pen and paper when the waiter hands you the bill in an upscale restaurant is not classy.
I've been there and done that.
It's ok.
I'm not classy.

The waiter should be told in advance the couples will need separate checks

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:02 pm

Mollie wrote:

She never answered this question. I agree if it was just 2 couples and one paid $200 more then it would be strange. I’m assuming since that would be very socially off, it was probably a few families.

Not necessarily. If she ordered so much less than the other family, more people would have made the difference even higher.

taketwo

Mon, Jan 30 2023, 10:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like their middos are a work in progress in other areas too. I'm sorry you were cheated by them, you sound like a genuinely nice person. They don't deserve your company.

Roots

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:36 am

that is so insensitive on their part!
you are lucky it was $85 and not more
please LEARN from this experience and then itll be worth it
state yourselves clearly beforehand and then at least you can say 'I told you in advance' etc

Iymnok

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:52 am

Last time I went out to eat the waiter gave us the bill and left. He returned maybe 5 minutes later to pick up the card. That would have been plenty of time to work out the bill if we were a few couples or a group of friends.
IMO the classiest is to leave the restaurant with everyone happy and content and the relationships a bit warmer and closer.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 5:19 am

I reread the op. She says the other couple ordered appetizers, desserts and wine. I've been to restaurants where these things are ordered and it's assumed it's for the table. Op says she intentionally didn't touch it as to try to make clear that she not responsible for it. Maybe the other couple didn't notice.

The point is it's not as of op and her dh ordered chicken for $80 and the other couple ordered filet mignon for $250 bringing the total bill to $330 and op was asked to pay $165, which is $85 more than she ordered. It could be that much of the access was items ordered that were intended for the table.

amother

Hunter

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 5:28 am

amother Indigo wrote:

It is quite arrogant to order "for the table" without asking if the others are at all interested.
If I ever did that because the item looked intriguing to me, I would make an effort to notice if anyone else participated and, if not, or barely, I would pay for it myself.

LovesHashem

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 5:35 am

amother Indigo wrote:

You can't just order items for the table without telling people and expect them to pay!

That's like working as a hairdresser, doing extra services on your client and being like btw I used a more expensive shampoo so your bill is more.

amother

Ballota

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 7:21 am

amother Hunter wrote:

This. Where I come from if someone is ordering for the table without input from others they are also footing the entire bill.

penguin

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 1:19 pm

(cant find the scratching head emoticon)

Quote:

I don't want to approach them now about what happened because they will make a big deal and gossip. And be sarcastic about it in the future.

I'm just wondering why you'd even want to go out to eat with these people!

Amarante

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 1:30 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Sitting there tallying up on a pen and paper when the waiter hands you the bill in an upscale restaurant is not classy.
I've been there and done that.
It's ok.
I'm not classy.

Who needs to go to this much trouble?

You round up to the nearest upper figure - I.e, is the entree is $24.95 - you round up to $25. It is generally very simple for people to add up even numbers in their head so you add up the items you ordered - you add 25% to cover tax and tip. This errs on the side of paying a bit too much.

In general you can look at the bill in any restaurant when it comes.

Mollie

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 1:41 pm

watergirl wrote:

If you go out with someone, or a couple or whatever, and you realize they ordered a side salad and a small soup (points for whoever gets this reference) and you ordered appetizers, main, drinks, and dessert, and when the bill comes they wanted to divide, not split the check, but you insist to split it because "social norms", SHAME ON YOU. That's your way of telling them that you want them to pay for your food while they clearly did not intend to, nor could they, from the start.

Kindness wins out over social norms every single time.

You took an extreme example to make your point. You obviously realize that I didn’t mean it in such a case.

Amelia Bedelia

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:22 pm

Mollie wrote:

You took an extreme example to make your point. You obviously realize that I didn’t mean it in such a case.

Extreme example? This seems to be exactly the type of situation OP described