To add another child to the chaos??

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:28 pm

Our 4 kids kah from ages 10.5-3 are all high strung and not one is easy going. There’s often fights, protests, and wild behavior. I’ve come a long way and my tolerance for handling the chaos has increased. My husband however has a very difficult time when the kids act out. And his reaction is always “we’re not ready for more”. My youngest is 3.5 already and it’s going to be the biggest gap we’ve had-even if I were to get pregnant now. I feel like I’m often the one shouldering the stress of taking care of the kids (which I do myself mornings and most nights). What’s the right approach? Wait longer in the hopes that things will calm down or jump in knowing that I’ll be responsible for handling the growing chaos?

amother

Winterberry

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:30 pm

I’m in a similar situation so following except I have three between 8-3.
And I have limited ability to handle the chaos

amother

Clear

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

This will probably be me in 2 years... I don't know the right answer, but I definitely know that in order for it to be healthy and happy family, both parents must be 100% on board. You need to agree and be mutually responsible as a team for "handling the growing chaos."

amother

Almond

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:33 pm

Almost the exact same situation and my dh doesn’t want any more kids. Does yours want more eventually?

amother

Emerald

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:33 pm

It's really his shaalah, unless you want it very bad.

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:34 pm

We ended up waiting 7+ years but worked on healing our children in that time

amother

Lightpink

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Discuss with a rov
BC has to be given a heter

amother

DarkCyan

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:41 pm

Does there have to be a 5th? It's challenging enough to deal with what you have and you're doing your best. Focus on what you have and your own mental health. Be proud of the 4 children you have and don't compare yourself to others. Don't bring another one into the chaos- no one benefits from that (not you, not your other children, and not the new baby) It's about quality, not quantity. Sometimes I feel as a community we forget that and think whoever has the most children wins. (corresponding to the non Jewish world of whoever has the most toys wins.) I am saying this from my own life experience which I don't want to get more specific and personal about.

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 8:58 pm

OP here- my kids beg for a baby. I think it would be a bracha for our family- I just wonder how much will settle down before that. I do hear focusing on what you have now. I do that. But I’m not so young and it’s going to be in the next few years or not at all and I don’t want to regret it.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

In our home it is the opposite. I say no more and my husband is begging. We're off BC now because I too believe that this will bring brochos to our family and I'm not so young. I daven hashem gives me the koach.

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:10 pm

I’m sure you realize this , but the multiple young children who are causing chaos will be growing up soon and hopefully causing less chaos, not more. Not saying they won’t need you, but it’s less physically taxing and chaotic when there are mature older children around. So the chaos doesn’t necessarily continue to increase forever as you have more children.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Deleted

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:14 pm

amother Black wrote:

We ended up waiting 7+ years but worked on healing our children in that time

Healing in what way? What did they need to heal from, and how did you heal them?

#BestBubby

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:15 pm

OP, your husband will probably never want more.

There is no bigger mitzvah than having children.

If you feel you can handle another baby, then you got to push for it.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:19 pm

I can truly relate. I had quite a few chaotic years with some VERY difficult children. Some are still somewhat difficult even though they are not longer young but most of them once they grew up became much less difficult. Not only do I not regret not taking big breaks, now that things have settled down and I am probably too old for more - I wish I had more.

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:20 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

Healing in what way? What did they need to heal from, and how did you heal them?

Healing their nervous systems so they aren't quite as high strung. We are in a much better place now bh. We used a bunch of different modalities. It's not perfect, but I was no longer panicked at the thought of another child.

amother

Hosta

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:36 pm

I was you a few years ago.
I continued my break and after 6 years I got pregnant again. Best break ever.
I handled that new baby like a pro.
The other kids were older, I didn’t feel like a shmatte, DH and I worked on self growth, on our parenting and on our relationship. It was amazing.
3.5 seems big, but they’re really still babies.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:48 pm

amother Black wrote:

I’m so curious t know what you did, and to see if maybe it would help my children. Is there a way to be in touch? I don’t mind outing myself here so you can Pan me, but I don’t know if you want to put yourself to me, even privately.

amother

Black

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:51 pm

amother Scarlet wrote:

If you post your username here I can PM you.

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:42 pm

To the one who wrote about why don’t we just stop at 5 and do ourselves a favor- can you expand on that? Why do you wish you would’ve done that? What are the pros of that?

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