Teen has been sneaking movies/shows on computer

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following Log in

Join Now

| | | | |

1, 2, 3 Next Last >>

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:50 pm

So I just discovered that despite our top-notch filter, 14 year old DD has found a way to watch shows and movies on Amazon prime and has been doing so for the past 5 months. She doesn't know that I found this all out. I contacted the filter company and had them fix the breach, but now I have to deal with this. The shows weren't anything horrific, but they were definitely way more exposure than we allow and is acceptable in our circles - PG-13 teen shows with boyfriends, kissing, some relations etc.

I'm not sure how to react. I'm very upset that she breached our trust. She spent a lot of time on the computer in her room, but always said she was doing homework or zooming with friends. So she was lying and sneaking. That's one thing I'm really upset about.

I'm upset about her poor ruchniyus choices. She is such a great, "frum" girl in all other areas - tznius, davens every morning, does tons of chessed, etc. This is so inconsistent with her allover ruchniyus trajectory and I'm confused.

I'm also really upset about all this exposure that she's had, though that I can't do anything about.

My initial instinct was to tell her how deeply disappointed I am and consequence her - limit her computer time, computer use only in public, etc. loss of other privileges, but I'm wondering if that's a good path to take. She's old enough that she needs to learn how to be responsible for her own decisions and if she wants this type of stuff badly enough, she can get access outside of our house. What will I accomplish by punishing? I also don't want her to think badly of herself. After all I was a teenager once too and did worse things.
On the other hand this really was a breach of trust and I really am disappointed in her choices.

How do I navigate this effectively while not damaging our relationship/causing her to be resentful yet also holding her accountable and helping her to make good choices going forward?

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:53 pm

At least it wasn't anything really pornagraphic.

Kids are curious.

You are also responsible for allowing DD to use the computer in a private location.

Are you punishing yourself?

Just tell DD you are disappointed she broke the rules

and from now on EVERYONE (parents and kids) can only use computer in a public location.

All filters can be breached.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:06 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:53 pm

She may be doing this to fulfill a legitimate need.

sequoia

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:54 pm

PG-13 is fine… let it go.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 3:55 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

She may be doing this to fulfill a legitimate need.

She may want it, but she doesn't "need" it.

BH, there is so much frum entertainment including kosher films.

There are also fine G and PG movies if that is acceptable to you.

amother

Heather

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:02 pm

Does she know that you’ve figured it out? If not, you can ask her if there’s anything that she is able to access that you should know about. I ask my kids that regularly. They have let me know about mess ups that they made around the filter that were too uncomfortable for them to talk about until I asked the direct question. We’re tech savvy enough to know that every filter has its holes. But it’s a gut wrenching thing to actually hear about and to wish I had asked earlier etc

amother

SandyBrown

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:08 pm

Move the computer to a public area. Set a rule for your entire family that the computer is only allowed to be used in a public space. When you feel the time is right you can have a chat with her. Talk about how filters on computers can be bypassed if someone really wants to bypass them, so the filters need to keep from inside of us - we need to be strong - discuss different ways one can protect themselves. Maybe she'll be open to discussing the feeling of wanting to watch more and more, and them more inappropriate and then more. The power of the Yetzer Hara.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:10 pm

Devices are only allowed in the public areas in my house. Fact is kids will always try things on the internet they just will it’s a fact we can’t escape. The only way to prevent it at home is to have them only use it in public spaces.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:14 pm

OP, have you had the talk with her? Do you allow her space to not be perfect? Does she have real friends?

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:24 pm

Doesn't sound very confusing. Lots of frum kids watch PG-13. Just because it is not acceptable in your circles does not make it incompatible with the ruchniyus trajectory you speak of.

And trust goes both ways. Installing a filter suggests a lack of trust. I am not sure it is fair to turn around and make accusations because a kid is doing what kids--and adults--do. Resisting somebody's attempts to control them. Just another way to think about it.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:28 pm

A filter is not a lack of trust.

A filter is like a railing to keep you safe.

It makes it easier to resist the yetzer horah.

Like not having junk food in the house if you are on a diet.

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:29 pm

Is there a filter out there that would actually prevent this? My kids are 10
And under so I haven’t dealt with this yet but it’s probably time..

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:31 pm

All filters can be bypassed.

The best prevention is computers only in a public place (living room) where anybody passing
can see what the user is watching.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:32 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

A filter is not a lack of trust.

A filter is like a railing to keep you safe.

It makes it easier to resist the yetzer horah.

Like not having junk food in the house if you are on a diet.

Funny you should say that, because experts on compulsive eating believe that keeping foods out of the house is not a viable strategy, and it's important to use an approach focused on security, intrinsic motivation, and ending restriction.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:33 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Well since diets have a 90% failure rates,

I don't put too much stock in all the diet "experts".

amother

Geranium

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:35 pm

amother Heather wrote:

This.

As someone whose 12 year old son googled some horrific stuff on a relative's device. The most important advice we got when we were figuring out how to approach him is to view this as an opportunity to discuss inner strength, making the right choices, etc. Not to guilt him out, but to explain that this is normal curiosity and it's important as you grow into adulthood to think about what you want to be exposed to and how you will make choices based on that.

It's been a couple of years, and it was a real growing experience for him. Sure, I'd rather it hadn't happened. But I think that the way we approached it helped him feel more comfortable discussing things with us (even things unrelated to technology) without feeling like he had to hide them from us.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:43 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Well since diets have a 90% failure rates,

I don't put too much stock in all the diet "experts".

Huh?

Pretty sure the experts don't recommend dieting.

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 4:52 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Well since diets have a 90% failure rates,

I don't put too much stock in all the diet "experts".

I'm not referring to diet experts, I'm referring to recovery experts.

amother

Canary

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 5:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is why the rabbonim said a computer has to be in a public place in the house for all the family members who use them

amother

Melon

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 5:56 pm

There are 2 ways this can go:
1. You say nothing, and make sure to get a better filter. Your daughter can no longer access the movies and that’s all. Life moves on.
2. You say something to your daughter. Your daughter, being a teenager, will either react in anger or in shame. Anger would lead her to find other ways to watch movies and shame would lead her to feel awful and disgusted by herself. Either way, there is no way this will end well.

Your daughter didn’t do anything dangerous or anything that is actually assur. I know that it feels like it, because that’s not something that you find appropriate, but in actuality, she did not do anything wrong. With teens, you have to pick your battles. If you pick a battle based on chumrahs, I promise you will soon be picking battles based on actual halachos. Just let it slide. She doesn’t have access to it anymore and there’s no reason to bring it up.

Also, I grew up in Lakewood, so I get where you’re coming from. I just wanted to share this perspective.

Page 1 of 3

1, 2, 3 Next Last >>