Teen has been sneaking movies/shows on computer

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Aster

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 11:06 pm

I think saying something is fine. I’ve had many awkward conversations with my parents when I’ve messed up, and it only helped me learn to have open and honest communication with them where I feel I can share anything sans judgment.

Do not tell her you are disappointed. She is going through a very normal teenage phase and it is between her and Hashem. The only thing is she lied to you, which will tell you she is either ashamed to admit she’s doing it, or scared you will stop her and isn’t ready to stop.

Apparently this is something important to her right now. So first step is id allow her to continue within this safe space. If you just block it, she’ll most likely find it elsewhere and then you lose all control and can’t supervise. On prime, you can see what she watches and set parental controls to determine what she’s allowed to watch. Set that up and take out anything too inappropriate or rated R.

Id say sit her down and let her know you’re aware. Tell her you aren’t judging, it’s not your business and she’s old enough to make those decisions herself. Let her know that if this is something she needs right now, you are ok with it and support her. Tell her you will put parental controls on to make sure there aren’t any videos too inappropriate, and if she wants to watch something specific that’s blocked, to check with you first so you can decide if it’s allowed or not. Encourage her to come talk to you if she ever has any questions about what she sees, and let her know you love her just as much as you ever did.

Hopefully this is just a phase, but give her the opportunity to navigate it in a safer and healthier way under your roof and guidance.

naturalmom5

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 11:17 pm

Definitely encourage her to make the right choices, and provide incentives to follow your values

HOWEVER.... DO NOT PUSH

And dont tell her you are disapointed
Every. Single family I know that did this ,had children turn 18/19 , leave thehI use and dont even keep Shabbos

amother

DarkRed

Tue, Jan 31 2023, 11:28 pm

I agree with posters above. Saying you’re disappointed is rarely a good idea.

amother

Amaranthus

Wed, Feb 01 2023, 2:33 am

As someone who watched a lot as a teen, but mostly PG-13, I think it's within normal teen curiosity. I had my own computer in my room but it wasn't connected to the internet. In my days you had real DVDs and I had to buy the DVD to watch.
I think my parents trusted me to know that I wasn't watching anything too bad and I think having that level of trust also allowed me to make those decisions for myself.
How much was she watching? Watching once a day is unwinding time and within normal. Watching for several hours is possibly a sign of escapism.
Something else to consider is that movies don't portray relationships and relations in the most realistic, and obviously Jewish light. If you haven't had any talks with your dd about it, you may want to consider talking about what the Jewish perspective is on relationships and why Hollywood style relationships don't exist IRL.
I'm Yeshivish btw.

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Feb 01 2023, 4:00 am

My husband sneaked into movie theaters when he was a teen. He's a good frum person. This is very very normal.

Honestly, I probably would have done the same. But it was the 90s. we had no video player. I used to listen to plays on the radio secretly, and read any books I could get my hands on and you bet any time I was on a plane I watched the movie.

amother

Wed, Feb 01 2023, 8:59 am

I’ve been reading all the replies and I just want to thank everyone for all of the insightful perspectives. You helped me work out an idea of a calm, non judgemental approach to take. If anyone has additional insights or personal experience, I am following and greatly appreciate all the insight and advice.

amother

Apple

Wed, Feb 01 2023, 4:29 pm

amother Khaki wrote:

Please please please don't let her know.
She has to know and feel that her mother believes in her being perfect.
You don't have to talk about her misdeed.
Unconditional love.
I did it this way and have a good relationship with my kids.

I grew up where everyone (especially my mother) thinking I am perfect. I have such anxiety about being a perfectionist now, and I did some real bad stuff as a teen. You cant hide this stuff any more. Technology is all around and once she'd been watching, there is no way she will easily give that up. You dont have to confront here about it or tell her it was a misdeed, just have clear conversation - watching movies is a fun past time, lets find appropriate movies to watch.
Source: I have 2 teenage daughters in same situation.

amother

Thu, Feb 02 2023, 9:57 pm

Ok so here's the update and a follow-up questions: I had a long conversation with her in a very positive way about how I want to be there for her and be able to have a transparent relationship, don't want her to ever have to hide anything from me, we have certain standards that we keep in our house but she's old enough to start making her own decisions, I can't control her, etc. just hope that she can make the right decisions and I'll always be there for her whatever she decides, etc. etc.

In the meantime, I had already contacted the filter company to fix the loophole that she was using to view shows & movies. However tonight, I checked the history after she used the computer and I see that she was on spotify searching up non-Jewish music. I also see an email from a friend sending her suggestions of songs to look up. This is a new behavior for her - she has not listened to nonJewish music in the past. My question is - do I block that on spotify now? On the one hand, I don't want to knowingly provide her a way to have access to things I don't approve of, and since this is just beginning maybe I can nip it in the bud. On the other hand, this is different from TV/movies to which yes, she may choose to access them outside of my house, but in my house I will not allow her to have unsupervised access. Non Jewish music isn't the same danger and I feel like it's much easier for her to access that and if she wants it, she'll probably just find another easy way (radio, mp3 player, etc.) so what do I gain by making her feel more restricted...

#BestBubby

Thu, Feb 02 2023, 10:01 pm

It is "Lifnei Iver Al TiTein Michshol" Don't put a stumbling block in front of the blind

You are putting too much temptation if you allow DD to use computer in a private location.

Filters can be by-passed.

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