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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Feb 02 2023, 4:43 pm
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For those with larger families 5 or more kids. How well do you feel that you cope with juggling it all? And what are your best tips and technical setups that help you manage it?
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amother
Zinnia
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 4:45 pm
Manage? What does that mean? 
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amother
Thistle
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 5:22 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | For those with larger families 5 or more kids. How well do you feel that you cope with juggling it all? And what are your best tips and technical setups that help you manage it? |
Someone close to me has a large family and she says the only way she’s able to do it by having a cleaning lady every day
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amother
Hyacinth
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 5:31 pm
| amother Thistle wrote: | | Someone close to me has a large family and she says the only way she’s able to do it by having a cleaning lady every day |
I work full time and I have a cleaning lady 5 days a week. My house is a mess before she leaves 😂😭
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westchestermom
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 5:33 pm
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I only have 4 kids but the biggest thing is having them do chores. I'm a control freak but my husband made them do age appropriate tasks and it makes a huge difference.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 7:39 pm
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Aside from cleaning and chores. Other practical tips about daily living, shabbos setup, sibling stuff etc.
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hodeez
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 7:46 pm
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The more independent you make them the easier it gets. For example before I come down shabbat morning my kids (oldest being 7) set up breakfast for themselves, they clean up the table and get spoons bowls cereal and milk. 3 years and up kids dress themselves and get their own snacks for school. Screen time is on Sundays after the first floor is generally cleaned.
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#BestBubby
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 7:50 pm
I second teaching kids to clean.
put away toys
set table/clear table
load / unload dishwasher or wash dishes
sweep/vacuum
fold laundry
put away groceries
spray clean counters, refrigerator, stove
Make Set Chores and make allowance dependent on completion.
Rotate Chores so every child gets a chance to choose first - and teach everyone skills.
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amother
Fuchsia
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 8:25 pm
Sometimes more, sometimes less.
When my teens were younger, (I had 5 in 6 years) my house was ship shape. They made their beds, did their chores, followed the rules. Now they are always rushing around and busy busy, no time to help, drop their things all over, refuse to clean their rooms, and oh mommy I'm home for ten minutes please can I fry eggs I'm starving and I'll even wash the frying pan later next time I come home.
It's a much bigger challenge with older kids than with the younger kids. You don't treat a teenager the same as the five year old, obviously. The five year old can get a treat after cleaning up, the teenager will have already found and eaten the treat long before cleaning up is even a thought.
So what I want to say is, don't stress. The baby is crying, the house is a mess, supper isn't yet cooked and shabbos is waiting... relax. There is enough time to do everything. I might have to buy extra for shabbos instead of making homemade but it's worth the not stressing. The calm atmosphere. Patiently attending to each child. It's okay, everything will be okay, as long as we stay calm and patient.
I've had a couple of crazy months, nonstop viruses running through my home and from exhaustion all I could think is that two parents is not enough for one child! A child needs more than two adults taking care of him! Then I realized there is a third Parent, I had forgotten. Hashem! And He is unlimited and can make anything happen! What more do I need?
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AlwaysGrateful
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 8:33 pm
My biggest piece of advice?
Busy does not equal bad. Busy is good. Busy means you have lots of brachos to be busy with, B"H.
A lot of it is in the attitude. You can view the same extremely busy nighttime routine as overwhelming or as full of cute moments and productive work.
Other thoughts:
You don't need to parent perfectly. You need to try to parent as well as you can. Hashem is perfect; we are not.
Start as you wish to go on. While it's always possible to change a bedtime routine, or a rule, or a schedule, it's much easier to make it the way you want it at the beginning.
Healthy siblings will fight. Put the burden on BOTH of them to work it out, or take a break from each other. Don't blame one of them all the time (the mature older one, or the annoying younger one), or you'll build up a lot of animosity between them.
As others said, teach your kids to do things. They can pack their own school lunches, or make themselves lunch at home on a weekend.
I'm sure there are more.
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amother
Stoneblue
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 9:27 pm
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Pretty well. How do I do it? I'm working from home about 10-15 hours a week on my own schedule. That's how:) when my kids go to school I have 5 hours of just me and baby to clean house, work a little, chat with friends and family, relax, do errands, work on a project, make myself food (better if I do less of that). When the kids get home I am ready for them many times even looking forward. They come home in shifts toddler, elementary, older elementary... so that's helpful. 3-8ish is busy but then its quiet and I pull the house together for another day. Or I dont. The kids are about 2 years apart (5 kids) and they pretty much all get along. I'm pretty organized and my kids love structure. My kids will make schefules/ lists of things they want to get done on sunday or friday. I use an authoritative parenting approach. Firm but loving. We talk out things when people misbehave or make mistakes. Not sure what else.
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AlwaysGrateful
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 9:48 pm
| amother Stoneblue wrote: | | 3-8ish is busy but then its quiet and I pull the house together for another day. Or I dont. |
Please appreciate this time! I didn't realize how soon I wouldn't have my nights anymore. My teens (even younger teens) are up as late as I am, which means I've lost that time...It's been a big adjustment. In my attitude, mostly. It took me a while to not feel like they were "stealing" my time, and instead to appreciate the time I have with them after the littles are asleep. And to figure out which chores to save for that time period so that I can shmooze with them and also do what I have to do...
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amother
Tanzanite
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 9:59 pm
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Be thankful for your kids. I only have 2 and wish I had more but that’s what Hashem had planned.
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amother
Oxfordblue
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 10:23 pm
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Not to hijack, but amother stoneblue, what do you do for 10-15 hours a week?
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amother
Marigold
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 10:31 pm
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I have zero expectations for the day. If I make supper, do a load of laundry, was able to listen to my kids tell me all of their school woes that means I had awesome day. If I can get in exercise for myself and clean/organize a room I'm super woman.
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amother
NeonBlue
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 10:46 pm
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For me personally the more kids I have the easier it becomes. I'm not sure if it's just my mindset or the fact that the kids are older every time there's a new baby and there's more hands around. Probably a combination of both. Also I guess I get more experienced with each additional child.
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amother
Tiffanyblue
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Thu, Feb 02 2023, 11:55 pm
I blow it all the time. And then after I finish beating myself up over it, I go back and try again.
My situation is a bit unique in that I have a number of children doing virtual school at home, so I never really have the house to myself. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy from not having my space! I used to work more from home, but now I do very little.
We don't have cleaning help or babysitting help, but DH does more than his share. The house is not in great shape ever and things don't always happen on time but I usually just accept that.
My kids are fairly independent, but have intense emotions that I need to deal with. The babies are obviously needy and need a lot of time and attention.
I learned to tolerate a lot of chaos without losing it or feeling like a failure. No I'm not perfect, but there are many times where multiple kids are crying or acting out and I stay calm.
Some days one kid gets more attention, other days a different child. I play that by ear, not with any system. I try to run down the list of kids in my mind a few times a day to make sure I'm not fully neglecting any of them.
One thing I make a point of is being honest in my interactions. I apologize if I made a mistake, I tell them when I feel bad I can't give them something, I acknowledge their feelings (usually) even when they hurt.
Over the years I saw "Gam Zeh Yaavor" over and over, and that's gotten me through a lot of stuff.
Also I've learned to trust Hashem. Everyone goes through hardships, even my kids as much as I'd love to protect them. I try to be there for them but not fall apart over their struggles. Because they are strong enough for their challenges especially if they have people on their side.
The main thing to me is that I love them all dearly and I tell them so. I think each of them are awesome people and literally that they are a gift to the world. Yes kids take a lot, out of their parents and out of their teachers, but they give so so much more.
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amother
Nasturtium
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Fri, Feb 03 2023, 1:00 am
| amother Marigold wrote: | | I have zero expectations for the day. If I make supper, do a load of laundry, was able to listen to my kids tell me all of their school woes that means I had awesome day. If I can get in exercise for myself and clean/organize a room I'm super woman. |
Do you have a cleaning lady?
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amother
Turquoise
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Fri, Feb 03 2023, 3:15 am
| AlwaysGrateful wrote: | | Please appreciate this time! I didn't realize how soon I wouldn't have my nights anymore. My teens (even younger teens) are up as late as I am, which means I've lost that time...It's been a big adjustment. In my attitude, mostly. It took me a while to not feel like they were "stealing" my time, and instead to appreciate the time I have with them after the littles are asleep. And to figure out which chores to save for that time period so that I can shmooze with them and also do what I have to do... |
100%
Beyond that, several times a week I'm out in my car well after 9:30 chauffering my teen cuties around.
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AlwaysGrateful
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Fri, Feb 03 2023, 6:29 am
| amother Oxfordblue wrote: | | Not to hijack, but amother stoneblue, what do you do for 10-15 hours a week? |
I do the same, and I think that's key to retaining sanity (although not to retaining a full bank account). I have no idea how moms of more than a few can get everything done, including give time to their kids, while working full time. I'm sure many of them can. Some of my friends do, so it's definitely possible. But I could not. I would lose it. I wouldn't have the energy or the mindspace to be there for my kids if that many hours of my day were taken up by work.
My husband is very supportive of this, which I know isn't to be taken for granted.
There are a lot of jobs you can do remotely and PT right now, especially since Covid. Freelance jobs where you make your own hours. I guess you can also start a small business, but that's not as easy to do with flexible hours.
It's nice to be able to squeeze in some work when my baby is napping, or after the younger kids go to sleep at night and the older ones are busy, or when I have a few minutes of quiet on a Sunday afternoon and all the kids are out or occupied. It does make it a bit of a challenge to not feel guilty at all times -- when I'm spending time with my kids or doing chores, I "should" be working, and when I'm working, I "should" be spending time with the kids or going down my to-do list. But I guess all moms feel guilt to some degree.
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