Extreme chutzpah | Imamother

amother

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:23 pm

I am a very good present parent.
I have a close and living relationship with my kids. I have a 14y/o son who is smart and talented and has everything going for him. But he has recently become crazy chutzpadik - especially on shabbos.

He calls us liars, he mocks and sneers and laughs at us. I try talking to him , warning him yelling at him- nothing works he just dismissed me with his hand and laughs. He has crawlers a horrible culture in our home. My older son started copying him as did some of the younger children. I feel like I ve become swallowed up in a bad cycle and I can’t get out. Literally nothing gets to him. It’s like he thinks he. S better and smarter than us.
It’s so frustrating cuz he could be such a good kid and is to the world . He s not bad just behaving very badly . He can then go in to be adorable and enjoyable .

Please if you have any good ideas of references for books . Let me know

ruby slippers

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:33 pm

I am so sorry- that is so difficult. Have you spoken with his school- there could be something going on there and he is using that pain to lash out at you, because you are safe and loving.

Chayalle

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:36 pm

It sounds like something is going on with him, and you need to find out what. I second ruby slippers. Be that safe place. If need be, get professional help to help find out what's going on.

amother

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 7:41 pm

ruby slippers wrote:

I am so sorry- that is so difficult. Have you spoken with his school- there could be something going on there and he is using that pain to lash out at you, because you are safe and loving.

I highly doubt it- we ve been in touch with his rebbeim constantly and he s doing amazing in school a- top of his class great friends etc just seems like he is mocking us and consistently showing us how we’re bad parents etc Hurts cuz I work really hard to be a good mother despite coming from a tough background. Ironically I work with teens and know that some of this is normal but not to this degree… I can’t normalize this

amother

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 8:31 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

How long is this going on?

A couple of months def getting worse. Prob because we’re not solving the issue… crazy things is we have so much fun together And are close . It’s like a switch goes on and off

behappy2

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 8:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

A couple of months def getting worse. Prob because we’re not solving the issue… crazy things is we have so much fun together And are close . It’s like a switch goes on and off

Do you see a pattern? Is he doing it when he's bored? You said that he does it more on shabbos? Does he get attention for it from you or the kids?

amother

Pearl

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 8:41 pm

Similar thing happened with my oldest son after he secretly bought a smartphone and was watching shmutz and going on social media. Then he started making otd friends on snapchat. He’s currently otd.

Not saying this to scare you, just wanted you to be aware to look for anything he may be getting exposed to and to try to find out if he’s making bad friends.

amother

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 9:01 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Do you see a pattern? Is he doing it when he's bored? You said that he does it more on shabbos? Does he get attention for it from you or the kids?

Probably when he s bored and around everyone for too long… he’s the type of kids that always needs to be running or involved in the next thing…
Really looking for resources etc to dealing with it

behappy2

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 9:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

I asked because my son is a little bit like this in a different way. What works is very clear boundaries. We can not do xyz and rewards. If it's behavioral then treat it as such.

Also I try very hard to have him get friends over to cure the boredom and get him involved in things.

But at the end of the day he needs to be responsible for his behavior.

amother

Charcoal

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 9:11 pm

There is something going on with him... I think he must have a secret that is bothering him.
A piece of advice: don't try to speak to him or set boundaries with him when there are people around. Only privately one on one.

professor

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 9:15 pm

amother Charcoal wrote:

Excellent advice! I second this. This is his teen-brained idea of asking for help. He needs you now.

amother

Gladiolus

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 10:17 pm

I don't have teenagers yet but the switching on and off so quickly sounds odd.
When my 4 year old does that I know he has strep.
Would you talk to his doctor before you start looking at it from behavior standpoint. Like blood work, lyme, strep, anything that can affect his behavior like that?

amother

Milk

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 10:32 pm

It is entirely possible that it is attributable to normal teenage behavior, but unfortunately there is a good possibility that it can be p0rn or molestation that may be causing inner conflict. If the latter is the case, unfortunately he may not admit it happened until years down the road.

Parenting tools will help, but it sounds like he would benefit from a therapist (even if it’s just teenage behavior) if you can find one he will have a good rapport with. Incentivize him heavily if necessary; it’s well worth it. Find a therapist who can relate to him (some kids need yeshivish with the right lingo kind of therapist, some need more with-it type, depending of the kid) to provide him with coping skills and tools to modulate his moods.

amother

Charcoal

Sat, Feb 04 2023, 10:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

Could he be addicted to screens and has withdrawal on shabbos?
Before you tell me he doesn't have a smartphone, my teen son told me recently that if the boy next to him has a smartphone then it's the same as him having one.