Tell me about daily life with high functioning autistic teen

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:38 am

I’d love to hear about others’ experiences with their teen hf autistic son. I’m curious to hear the experience other people have.
1. Does he go to mainstream school?
2. Does he attend all classes?
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow?
4. Does the school know the diagnosis?
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening?
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ?
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table?
9. How do your family deal with him?
10. How do siblings deal with him?
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food?
12. Does he go on trips with family?
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is
14. How often do you get frustrated with him

amother

Cobalt

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:48 am

1. Does he go to mainstream school? Yes, but no longer in Jewish day school/yeshiva. He's in public school since 8th grade, where's much happier and there isn't constant classroom drama. There just aren't issues in class in public school. He's more engaged, and the teachers don't let the classroom become balagan. I don't think in over 4 years I've had any issues with him in class. In fact, he always gets positive feedback from the teachers about being a pleasure to have in their classes.
2. Does he attend all classes? Yes.
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow? Only occasionally. He had some anxiety issues for example this week, and didn't sleep barely at all for 2 days. But this is the first time this has ever happened.
4. Does the school know the diagnosis? Yes.
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening? Not really any davenning, as far as I know. Certainly not minyan. I try to encourage him to put on tefillin daily and to talk to Hashem daily. I don't know if he does. He very well may--he wouldn't want the attention so he would do it discretely, and I'm not going to harp on it.
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ? Sometimes, usually to help out with the kids' groups or if there's a teen shabbaton. I do push him more when it's yom tov.
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often ? Well, he's a teen, so he is usually on his phone but also sees kids in person.
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table? About half the time--I don't make a big deal about this. I ask if he's coming to the meal or not and let him know when it's starting. I make sure there's more grape juice/challah rolls for him, and let him know what there is to eat. Sometimes I leave a plate for him. He usually does make kiddish for himself.
9. How do your family deal with him? My household does great with him. I'm divorced from his father, and there's a lot of pressure and constant feedback of not being good enough from his father and step mother, who won't accept his diagnosis or him, for that matter. And he's there half the time. It destroys me inside, but I can't do anything about it.
10. How do siblings deal with him? They deal fine with him. They know how to assert limits, and they enjoy each other's company usually.
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food? He eats regular food, and he usually prefers real food to sugary food, so I don't really monitor it because he does a good job eating responsibly.
12. Does he go on trips with family? Yes, although we don't go on many, so even though he complains a bit, he complains less if he knows about it up front and it's not that often...and he gets to bring his phone and ear buds.
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is ? I of course accept him as he is. He's amazing. He probably has the biggest heart and most empathy of nearly anyone I know, especially other kids his age. If you actually talk to him and listen to him, without trying to give him mussar or change him, he's just simply amazing.
14. How often do you get frustrated with him? Oh, less than I used to because he's almost 18 now and I'm letting him be responsible for his life. But I still get frustrated. But probably not more than I would with some NT kids in their teen years. I'm less frustrated when I stopped trying to make him fit a mould.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:56 am

amother Cobalt wrote:

TYSM - very very interesting. While we come from quite different backgrounds your responses are so though provoking for me.

amother

Jade

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 11:07 am

amother OP wrote:

I am answering for DHs experience at a teen:

1. No. After bullying and the like he left high school in middle and did online school and learned with a Rav privately.
5. Yes, after finding a minyan he liked.
6. Yes.
7. Yes. Definitely had friends.
8. Yes. But parents didn't make anyone sit at shabbos table so its normal to come and go for everyone.
9. Get him the right tools, get the right tools to parent, and help him find his right path in life.
10. Promote good communication as a family. Things comes up but everyone can communicate pretty effectively.
11. Regular food
12. Yes.
13. Not sure what it was then but now everyone in his family loves him for him and no one wishes he was different.
14. I and family members don't feel "frustrated by him" we feel and empathize for him and try to help him when he struggles with something. Focusing on what he needs, not how I feel about it.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 12:58 pm

1. Does he go to mainstream school?
Yes
2. Does he attend all classes?
Yes
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow?
Not any more, he's 16 and would get stressed out to miss school
4. Does the school know the diagnosis?
Yes
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening?
3x a day. It took a few years past Bar Mitzvah to build it, he used to miss a lot.
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ?
yes
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often
Not really
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table?
Rarely.
9. How do your family deal with him?
Depends on the situation and the person
10. How do siblings deal with him?
Some of them have HFA, which can be good or bad
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food?
He does mostly eat white foods. Won't usually eat fleishigs.
12. Does he go on trips with family?
Yes
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is
Depends. Over time, it gets a bit easier, especially as he grows to develop.
14. How often do you get frustrated with him
Again, it varies, but not so often.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:28 pm

amother Slateblue wrote:

This is so so helpful ty!!!

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:29 pm

amother Jade wrote:

So interesting. Ty!!!

amother

Khaki

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’d love to hear about others’ experiences with their teen hf autistic son. I’m curious to hear the experience other people have.
1. Does he go to mainstream school?
No
2. Does he attend all classes?
Yes
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow?
No, ( when he was mainstreamed he needed and we allowed)
4. Does the school know the diagnosis?
Yes
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening?
Davens shacharis and mincha at school. On Sundays he davens at home if I remind him, rarely goes to mincha/maariv
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ?
Yes for shacharis, sometimes for Mincha/maariv
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often
Playdates on Sundays a few times a year if I arrange. No neighborhood friends.
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table?
For some of it
9. How do your family deal with him?
Regular
10. How do siblings deal with him?
He's the oldest so they don't realize
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or
do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food?
Regular, actually pretty adventurous eater
12. Does he go on trips with family?
Loves them
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is
Feelings come and go. I always try hard in this area
14. How often do you get frustrated with him

Rarely. Usually comes up if he's bored and bothering his siblings or if he won't stop talking about his preferred topic.

Don't know why the format of this post is off but anyway all but the last answer is in the quoted part

amother

Coral

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 7:13 pm

1. Does he go to mainstream school?
Yes-my son (now post-HS) went to a very small mainstream HS, but it had other non-mainstream kids as well
2. Does he attend all classes?
Mostly, but his school was chill about letting him wander the halls occasionally when he needed to
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow?
He did, but 10th-11th grades were the covid years and so there was plenty of "down" time. It was an amazing schedule for him actually - he zoomed with his rebbi individually and loved it.
4. Does the school know the diagnosis?
Not specifically but they were aware he had 'quirks'
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening?
Yes usually he goes and loves shul. But he's very rigid about which minyan and coming on time so if he misses his favorite minyan he will sleep in and daven at home and I mostly let it go.
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ?
Yes. He feels very grown-up and respected as part of a minyan and it's very important for his identity.
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often
No, his relationships with school peers have always been positive but very superficial
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table?
Yes, but he may leave abruptly at some point and we do not hassle him
9. How do your family deal with him?
MUCH better now that he is away from home most of the time and coming for Shabbos occasionally. When he lived full time at home we all knew to tiptoe around him at certain times of day and deal with certain obsessions. Our relationships are all much more relaxed and positive now that we don't have the friction of always living with him.
10. How do siblings deal with him?
See above. The sibling who roomed with him had it the worst (I didn't have enough space to split them up). It was really hurting their relationship.
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food?
No not specifically.
12. Does he go on trips with family?
No we have learned that for longer vacations it is better for him to skip and stay at yeshiva than join us in crowded hotels going on outing that he won't enjoy. We compensate by doing other special things just with him but honestly for now there is no benefit on bringing him on vacations. When he lived at home and we went on day trips we would sometimes insist he come with us in the car but then let him stay in the car (on his phone) or in a museum lobby etc while we did the activity. Sometimes we just let him skip.
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is
I won't lie - it's been very hard. But BH he really does have strong points and I am so so much better at accepting him now that he is through school and not fighting daily with siblings. I don't feel the same existential despair about his future that I did when he was younger (which to his credit my husband never shared).
14. How often do you get frustrated with him
ALL. THE. TIME. But I still love him and do things way outside my comfort zone to help him and make his life easier. And I am truly proud of how much progress he's made and maturity that he has gained. Seeing him succeed in yeshiva outside the home and pick up significant life skills has been incredible. Still a long way to go, but I am hopeful that he will iyH get there.

amother

Latte

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 8:00 pm

I’d love to hear about others’ experiences with their teen hf autistic son. I’m curious to hear the experience other people have.
1. Does he go to mainstream school?
My son was in a sp. ed school, he just graduated
2. Does he attend all classes? yes
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow? I did
4. Does the school know the diagnosis? He wasn't diagnosed until he graduated
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening? He goes to Shachris
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ? YEs
7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often never
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table? Yes
9. How do your family deal with him? GIve him space
10. How do siblings deal with him? They talk to him but they know he is different
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food? not a healthy diet
12. Does he go on trips with family?Yes but not as many as my other kids
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is?It's abit harder now bc he is being rigid and unflexible about moving on with his life after HS
14. How often do you get frustrated with him depends on the circumstances

TwinsMommy

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 9:44 pm

1. Does he go to mainstream school? Nope--- kicked out of public after being suspended again and again for aggression in 3rd and 4th grade- finally kicked out in 4th. special ed school since. He's in 10th now.

2. Does he attend all classes? yup

3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow? yup and yup

4. Does the school know the diagnosis? absolutely

5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening? hahah nope. I WISH.

6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ? hahah nope. I WISH.

7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often YEAH RIGHT.

8. Does he sit at shabbbos table? YES

9. How do your family deal with him? Therapy every Tuesday, county board meetings every wednesday, lots of IEP meetings, lots of emails with the county board, lots of medication, lots of doctors.....

10. How do siblings deal with him? ugh. It's a love/hate relationship. His twin sister ALSO has high functioning autism.

11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food? Regular----ISH. But often when I suggest a lower carb snack instead of what he's going for, I get beaten up.

12. Does he go on trips with family? We don't travel. Ain't no hotel gonna put up with the screaming.

13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is HARDDDDDD. SO VERY HARD.

14. How often do you get frustrated with him VERY often but I don't yell. I walk away and lock myself in my room.

He's verbal and toilet trained, so considered "high functioning" but I get the sense he's not high functioning with regard to the other teen boys in this thread.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 12:22 am

amother OP wrote:

I’d love to hear about others’ experiences with their teen hf autistic son. I’m curious to hear the experience other people have.
1. Does he go to mainstream school? Yes
2. Does he attend all classes? Yes
3. Do you find he needs days off and do you allow? Yes
4. Does the school know the diagnosis? Sort of. They know he has a problem but haven't seen the evaluation. That was after giving it to the previous school and things going rapidly downhill once they knew.
5. Does he Daven three times a day with minyan or at home or no davening? He davens in yeshiva but on days where there is no yeshiva he davens (or says he does) at home. he doesn't go to shul.
6. Does he go to Shul on shabbos or daven ? Davens in his bedroom
[/color]7. Does he play with neighbors or friends how often he gets together with his yeshiva friends when they have time (pretty packed schedule). He has no connection at all with the neighbors.
8. Does he sit at shabbbos table? Yes
9. How do your family deal with him? Super supportive
10. How do siblings deal with him? The younger ones adore him but also are scared of him because he can get aggressive if they annoy him. One of my older ones is fine, the second one really resents the extra time we spend on him.
11. Does he have at regular food or special diet or do you find he eats a lot of sugary processed food? He's not a junk food guy. He loves his meat and potatoes. He is off milk and counts his carbs.
12. Does he go on trips with family? Same as any other teen, depends on his mood.
13. How easy or hard is it to accept him as he is We accept him but accepting his limits is very hard. He is so functional in some ways that it is really frustrating to see how his difficulties hold him back
14. How often do you get frustrated with him When he doesn't get up in the morning..... I find that very hard to cope with, when he sticks to his own way about things even though I know and have warned him that he is going to hit disaster, when he gets sent home for breaking rules - about once in three weeks.