Have family here, but on own for seuda.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:06 pm

We have family from both dh and my side nearby and we alternate years who we spend the seuda with.

My sister alternates with her and her husbands side too and we used to end up that whenever she was by her in laws, we were by my parents so they always had someone. I have brothers here too but apparently they're too unreliable (my sisters words) it got messed up because of covid and this year its ending up that my sister invited my parents and they want to go.
My parents are relatively young, don't mind hosting but it's boring by them. My brother in law is wealthy and they get tons of spielers etc. Not really mine and dh type but we werent invited regardless.

We're most likely on our own this year and I'm really upset that my parents can just leave us Sad

I find it kind of sad although in a way it will be easier.

I thought to maybe invite my brother and sister in law but they'll want to go to my sister (assuming that they've been invited too) I told my parents that they'll want to go there more than by us because it's quiet around where we live and no one is coming specially to ask my dh for money!

DVOM

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:12 pm

I don't know the dynamics in your family, but I'd just invited myself to join mom and dad at my sister's house. My sisters would be honest with me if there was some reason they couldn't have me, but generally we're an everyone -pile-in sort of family.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:21 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

We don't live near parents but near aunts who make huge meals and we go to visit but we prefer our own private meal at home.

So much fun!

Plan an interesting menu.

I wish I had time, I'm super busy with little kids and teens. Normally I'd bring a couple of dishes and just make more of them and my mother made the rest. (and sil if they'd join would bring stuff too) its also nice to be with family.
Im actually embarrassed to tell people that we're on our own when I have 3 married siblings here and my parents!
And dh's side but they're all having with their in laws side because that's the alternate from last year. I just find it sad that my sister finds it too much to have us Sad

When it's her in laws turn I'm pretty sure she has a few families. She has a big house we're just not so close and very different but so what!. Now she's 'taken' my parents away from us and obviously they prefer to go there and have most of the meal made for them, and no mess in their house etc and a big matzav to boot!

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:26 pm

amother Brown wrote:

Happens
Make the best of it and look on the bright side

I really am trying.
I can think of a couple, my baby is little so it'll be an easier day I guess.
My dh is totally not the sociable type unless he's with his family really. My oldest son is practically the same and he was fine when I told him I think we're having it on our own this year. My big boys will be out spieling most of the evening anyway.

It's more the principle that my parents are just leaving us to it. Aren't we important to turn down the invite? I don't know...
If anyone should be on their own it should be my sister because either way they have tons of people popping in and out all day long. And into the night...
My mother said we should come to my sisters house after the seuda but my sister probably won't invite us, and I'd just feel silly, like a spare part. Bh my sister in law from dh's side makes a big party 1st night purim after megilla so that's nice for my kids.

amother

Lily

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:43 pm

Do you have any friends that you can invite?

As for your parents abandoning you, try to be appreciative for all the years they had you. Truthfully they don't owe you anything. Hopefully in the end you'll have a beautiful family Seuda and you will be happy to do it next year again.
We love hosting the Purim seudah and have been doing it for a number of years. Once every few years we take a break and accept an invitation which we usually end up regretting....

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:47 pm

amother Lily wrote:

I have friends but we don't generally invite friends as they're all with their family.
It does sting, and people who know us will think it's very strange that we're not with our family.

Ruchi

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 1:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are being mevater for your mother to have a much easier and lebe'diger Purim.
It's not easy for you, I get it. But may the Zechus of this bring much goods your way.

amother

Daisy

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 2:57 pm

Is there a reason you can't go to your sister as well? Otherwise, is it really so strange to speak to a couple of friends and invite them?
I have plenty of family in town. My inlaws don't believe in anyone drinking and have a quick and really boring seuda (did it one year and never again). My sister in law gets together with her side, so it doesn't work for us. My brother in law likes to get together with their friends. My sister also prefers to do it with her friends.
So we've done it with our friends and we've done it by ourselves. I think people understand that it doesn't always work out with family, and besides it's often more fun with friends. There's less politics among friends compared with family.

amother

Anemone

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 3:10 pm

Just wanted to chime in, We often have a similar situation.

My parents usually have a quiet (ish) meal and then later on after 10, loads and loads of ppl come round.
Their meal is boring because they invite mostly singles or older people who have nowhere to go.
There is no conversatio .

So wed often opt to have meal alone and then go there later.

But our meals at home are soo boring and not much fun at all.

Wish we had close family where we could have a nice close knit fun meal.

It seems strange when I tell people were eating alone.

They just see my parents as the happening place but really, their actual meal is so so quiet, its only everyone else, when they come, who spice things up.

Dont get me started on the total mix of men and women there though.
Not the only place, where iv seen all boundaries go out the window.

giftedmom

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 3:19 pm

So you’re having a big fun party at night and everyone will probably go to sleep late. And you have a baby.
I don’t know about you but the years I had late nights like these AND had to get everyone out in the morning by a certain time were so stressful!
In general I find the Purim mayhem to be such sensory overload.
After a number of years I finally put my foot down and insisted we all eat a normal meal at home after Megillah and then everyone is free to go to parties.
Personally I go out with dh and the kids for a bit to visit my grandparents and some cousins/friends to drop off mm. Then I head home with the baby and the other kids are free to go where they want.
These days dh is so appreciative that we have a normal meal in the morning. It makes such a difference to everyone and ensures they eat some normal food before the madness of the day.
Try it op, your family may come to appreciate it.

amother

Lily

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 3:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have friends but we don't generally invite friends as they're all with their family.
It does sting, and people who know us will think it's very strange that we're not with our family.

Simple answer - you ARE with your family, your real family, what could be strange about that?

amother

Wheat

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:03 pm

I'm sorry. I know the feeling. My father is alone and makes the seuda but the family finds it boring and stopped coming. So we're the only one who join him. Dh is tired of that and just wants to stay home. We invite dad and send out invites to the rest of the family but they don't show up they're too busy having a good time. We try to make the best of it. I just hope my dad agrees to come to us again because if he doesn't then it's really just us and my kids will be so sad. We have nowhere else to go. Again happy to stay home but wish we had someone with us.

amother

Brown

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:07 pm

Sorry op
Still I never understood the whole “it’s embarrassing” aspect
As families grow kah it makes sense to split off and sometimes do our own
We also enjoy balancing and sometimes doing it our own way and. It 100s of people
Plus as our parents age it just doesnt make sense to continue to put it all on them
We are happy to step up to the plate while allowing for and respecting their dignity

No entitlement and no comparing and taking responsibility for our own joy and counting our brochos makes for a happy vibe

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:12 pm

amother Brown wrote:

Right I can imagine that happening with larger families but we're really not a big family.
My parents are young still so they could easily have it by them like they usually would, this option is just way more exciting for them.

And the difference is that they'll never want to come to us over going to my sister so that probably means an end of an era already of having the purim seuda with my side of the family and I'm sad Sad

We're all still young, no married grandchildren yet, all have a small amount of kids.

And they beg us to go to them for one of the sedorim for pesach! Because they want at least one family with young kids at their seder. Suddenly I'm needed! I love my fathers sedarim but it's a long walk home very late at night, so this year I think I'll decline the invite.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why can't they stop off at your house for a short get together before going on to your sister's?

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:37 pm

tichellady wrote:

can you ask your parents to ask your sister to invite you?

My mother said its obviously too much for her to have us as well when I said its a shame that sister didn't invite us.
We're not an extra difficult family to have. We have four kids over the age of 7 and one toddler.