The reasons I don't enjoy Purim are logistical

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:10 pm

Listening to megilla with a baby is a logistic nightmare. I need to take turns with Dh so at night since he's fasting he goes to the first megilla reading. Ladies megilla reading is usually smack dab in middle of our night seuda, run out, miss out on the action, hope baby behaves while I'm gone....
Next morning same story, dh and ds's go to shachris and megilla and I can only leave when they come back. Total time is minimum 3 hours.

Then we sit down to eat breakfast/first meal. We have a minhag to do 2 seudos by day and we used to starve until 1-2 pm when our parents sit down to their first meal, but this I changed for us and we wash and eat milchigs and bentch before leaving the house.

We end up leaving some time after noon. All teachers and rebbeim are available only between 12 and 2 and of course live on all ends of town. Race race race but the traffic is slow. Get to wherever you get to. Then I can start thinking about the people Dh and I want to give MM to, our rav, my grandparents, some friends. After years of impossibly trying to be at 2 places at once, we cut out all our friends and only go to rav and my grandparents, but we still need to get to my parents (since we didn't get to their seuda) and my one-hour-away-under-normal-traffic-conditions in laws.

Every year I say we're going to skip the inlaws because on such a short day it makes zero sense to sit 2 hours in traffic to arrive to a madhouse of a house where nobody knows we're there, but if we don't show up everyone will know we weren't there.

Get home past midnight, unpack, clean up.
And suddenly the day is gone. Hardly any time to daven, to enjoy, to just be. This is when dh stays sober and does all the driving because I cannot do Purim driving and he navigates the streets and highways like an expert. [We'll leave aside the 2 Purims he drank till he puked and I needed to drive us all home and he was hung over the next day (friday).]

Please, fellow ladies, clue me in on the secret how do you swing it all?

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:18 pm

Our Purim’s look very very different. If I had this schedule I’d hate Purim too

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:20 pm

It’s nowhere near as crazy in Manchester UK but I still used to get stressed about the logistics. Then the Purim of Covid made me realise that
A) we don’t need to give mm to so many people. Not me, nor the kids. Our friends will still stay friends with us even without our cellophane wrapped goodies.
B) we don’t need to see every teacher/rebbe on Purim. One per child is plenty. Any treats or nash the rebbe/teacher gives, they’ll give to the child in school after Purim if they don’t get to them on Purim. It’s really not worth driving yourself crazy for
There are so many other times to show hakoras hatov to people- sometimes I send people a bottle of wine right before pesach and it is just as much, if not more, appreciated.
The other trick (although admittedly I haven’t done this myself) is to get up early to daven, and go to a neitz minyan for megilla.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:23 pm

Depends how old the baby is sometimes I’ll find someone who’s reading megilla at home that I can join. If it’s a newborn/up to 4m I’ll have them in a baby carrier. Toddler age is harder.
Go to your in laws Purim night, or don’t go, you do what works for you.
Teachers, I’m sorry but if it’s a drive away we don’t go on Purim. Most teachers bh give us hours on shushan purim, which is awesome.
Family we give mm to those we meet at parents/in laws. No special trips. The day is too hectic.

amother

Peony

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:28 pm

One thing I do different is my husband goes to Daven at vasikin purim morning so I’m at Megillah by 9:15 and home by 10
We eat breakfast seudah 10:00-10:45 and then start our neighbors and friends rounds, then some teachers who we didn’t go to on taanis Esther or give them in school
Then seudah at family in our town around 4:30
we don’t go to my parent ever - they live 2 hours away and the day is too short

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:29 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

Our Purim’s look very very different. If I had this schedule I’d hate Purim too

Your post isn't very helpful y'know. If you would describe what your Purim looks like, maybe I could take some inspiration and institute some changes.

tichellady

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:31 pm

we only do one suedah and don't drive anywhere to deliver mishkoach manot

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:34 pm

s1 wrote:

a) so we cut those out. We don't do friends anymore, not ours and not our kids'. Only neigbors that kids go to while I'm out at megilla so no time wasted there
b) already done. We used to go to all but as the kids increased, the teachers and rebbeim did too so we only do one per kid for a couple of years already. It's still challenging to get to 5 places within 1.5-2 hours time span all over town amid all the traffic of everyone else doing the same.

About the early waking, I've done it twice but with a baby waking me at night most years, it's very very hard.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:38 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

Every year I look for someone reading megilla at home and come up empty. I literally don't understand what all the mothers of babies in my circles do as there are many of them. Actually, scratch that, I do know since that one year my youngest was 3 and we all went to shul together. The amount of babies I saw and heard there were enough to make me wonder if I was yotze the megilla, and no, I will not be one of those women.

Going to inlaws first night solves some problems but creates others. When do I go hear megilla? Before we leave and we get there late? Once we get there (how do I even find out about ladies megilla there?) and I miss half the seuda?

We stopped going to family too, only my grandparents. Everyone else we meet at wherever and give then.

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:40 pm

We learned it the hard way. Our purim used to be this hectic craziness, until I came to my senses.
I try to give the rebbeim and teachers on Taanis Esther or a day earlier, if possible. Unless we pass close by anyways.
We stopped delivering to random friends, if we meet them, if pass their area, great.
I go to early megilla reading somewhere local. Then DH leaves with boys. They can now take their merry time while I get the younger ones ready and prepare a good breakfast and deliver to the neighbors. Once we all ate breakfast, or (if past 12:00, a good sueda meal), we head out.
We prepare a delivery route last ahead of time and follow as much as we can.
Whenever possible, sometime during the day we try to take a break (me to unpack somewhat), DH catch a cat nap so that we have energy to continue this hectic day.
We do stop into our in laws for a bit, then head to my parents for the second meal and stay as long as theirs action.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:42 pm

Can anyone help me with what to serve for breakfast?

Logistical nightmare.

No tuna, mashed egg or veg. No salads
No fish.
No wholewheat anything.

Im embaressed to write this.

What can I serve my kids?

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:43 pm

amother Peony wrote:

It would be amazing if dh agreed to that but he doesn't. He wakes up at 6 am every morning and relishes those days where he can sleep a bit, it's not like he's sleeping in till late morning - he's up at 8 am, but it means he isn't home before at least 10.

I also want to stop going in to my inlaws. I wish I could but with dh's 8 siblings all making it in at one point over purim day, I don't want to be the only ones who don't show.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:45 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

I make toasted sourdough bread and have lots of spreads on the table, cheese, lox, chummus, etc. I make scrambled eggs and vegetable salad. You can do omelettes, white pasta with or without cheese.

Before we made an official meal, I'd serve them oatmeal.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks.
They dont eat lox, or chummus or salads.

Oatmeal they have on regular days.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:49 pm

Pancakes.

With cut up prices of fruit.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:49 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

Maybe I need to let go of this idea that every kid needs at least one rebbe/teacher visit to make them happy. It would be so much easier to give a day earlier (traffic is only slightly better lol)

I can also go to megilla before dh, not mamesh vasikin but at 8 am, let's say and have dh leave at 9 when I come back. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think dh would love that!

Who is included on your delivery route? Can you give me an idea of where you're going if you're not doing teachers nor friends.

amother

Yarrow

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:52 pm

Night I usually go to a quick megillah which my grandfather will read after he's back from first minyan ( And he'll wait 5 min if we need to get there.) He reads so so fast which is great. The next day, I wake up early, daven and go to early megillah before my husband (He's sleeping and watching the kids, And hope that the baby stays sleeping while I'm at megillah). I love the headstart in the day. By the time I'm back I could eat breakfast and dress the kids calmly in their costumes. I start by giving MM to our neighbors and local friends before DH is even back. We then usually first do the teachers and rebbeim which us usually early in day. Purim is my kids Yuntif and I try to do all teachers and rebbeim. ( I'll skip all DH and my friends and acquaintances if need be). Once were done with teachers will pop over to my mom for the quick first meal. My mom is ok with everyone coming whenever to eat their meal. She loves to host and doesn't need to run around anymore to teachers etc. Then depending how much time we have till mincha we do all DH and my friends, grandparents, acquaintances. Second meal is at night which is by mom again and we stay there till the kids get to tired.
Honestly if I would have to do all meals and deliver to teachers and friends I don't know how I would do it. Maybe I would stay home and just send DH himself. I'm grateful that my mom can be a huge help for me on this day.

My in laws live hour away which is usually more with traffic. We went ONE year and sweared never again. You can't be all over in one day. The day is hectic enough. And DH usually doesn't drink which is super duper so that's not on my stress radar either.

amother

Rose

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:54 pm

I live OOT so traffic conditions are drastically different and although there is traffic it's nothing like yours. The night was always a challenge when my kids were younger, I really did not enjoy hearing Megilla so late.

Mornings - I daven Vasikin - so I hear Megilla early and this makes my day much easier. My husband would go to regular Shacharis like 7:00. My DH and kids leave around 9:30 and do a route of deliveries - Rebbis, teachers, some of the kids friends. I would spend a nice amount of time creating a route that would cover the most people in the least amount of time. They'd come home for a short break and then go to daven and learn, they'd keep some Shalach monos in the car for people they saw at shul. We send to very few friends, very very few. Usually a couple of people that might not get and a couple that we want to show gratitude to. We also don't have family here. We mostly focus on our kids that they should enjoy and give their freinds and Rebbis. After learning they usually have some time to relax before the Seuda.

watergirl

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 4:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your post isn't very helpful y'know. If you would describe what your Purim looks like, maybe I could take some inspiration and institute some changes.

I’m not that OP but my purim looks different than yours so I’ll share.

Night time, we all go to the same leining. When we had little kids, my husband went first, then I went, and then we’d go home and eat and finish making the mm’s, then bed at a normal time bc the next day is long. Some years we go to the shul evening seuda Purim night but usually not.

My husband davens neitz every day, so obviously Purim also. My boys sometimes go with him, some years they go to a later minyan and we are all done by 10. My husband grills steak and makes steak and eggs breakfast for whoever wants and we aim to start delivering mm by 12. I let each kid give to 5 friends and to their rebbes and teachers.

No parents, in-laws, or family to visit.

Husband goes to mincha, then we go to our friends who are family for the seuda.

Purim is great now but it wasn't always. We used to be more rushed and felt pressure, and once one of our kids made a comment that he hated purim because we, his parents, are in a bad mood. After that we made changes in how we communicated and in the choices we made because apparently we were not making it a good day for the kids. One major change was splitting up the kids into two cars to deliver mm, as opposed to all going in the same car. I really pushed the one car but we needed to make this part go quicker. That in and of itself made the day so much more calm.

Purim ends, we all go to bed.

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your post isn't very helpful y'know. If you would describe what your Purim looks like, maybe I could take some inspiration and institute some changes.

I was actually trying to validate you.

Eta it doesn’t matter what my Purim looks like. My minhag is 1 seudah. I never heard of 3 seudahs but that doesn’t help you

I give literally 6 MM. literally. I don’t view MM as a source of social obligation or popularity contest. I don’t go to teachers. My husband davens at 6am. Breakfast is same as any other morning: cereal, fruit or yogurt

None of this is helpful to you IMO. I want you to know that if I had your minhagim is find it difficult too

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