The reasons I don't enjoy Purim are logistical

mizle10

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:12 pm

I used to hate the hectic Purim morning. Getting the house to look decent because people will be popping in while getting everyone out of bed, fixing costumes, running out to Megillah and then by the time I got home it was so late already.

I started going to vasikin shachris and Megillah a few years ago and would never skip it now. We forget that Purim is really a day for tefilla. I get in a meaningful shachris, hear Megillah like a mentch and come home just as the kids are waking up.

imaima

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Listening to megilla with a baby is a logistic nightmare. I need to take turns with Dh so at night since he's fasting he goes to the first megilla reading. Ladies megilla reading is usually smack dab in middle of our night seuda, run out, miss out on the action, hope baby behaves while I'm gone....
Next morning same story, dh and ds's go to shachris and megilla and I can only leave when they come back. Total time is minimum 3 hours.

Then we sit down to eat breakfast/first meal. We have a minhag to do 2 seudos by day and we used to starve until 1-2 pm when our parents sit down to their first meal, but this I changed for us and we wash and eat milchigs and bentch before leaving the house.

We end up leaving some time after noon. All teachers and rebbeim are available only between 12 and 2 and of course live on all ends of town. Race race race but the traffic is slow. Get to wherever you get to. Then I can start thinking about the people Dh and I want to give MM to, our rav, my grandparents, some friends. After years of impossibly trying to be at 2 places at once, we cut out all our friends and only go to rav and my grandparents, but we still need to get to my parents (since we didn't get to their seuda) and my one-hour-away-under-normal-traffic-conditions in laws.

Every year I say we're going to skip the inlaws because on such a short day it makes zero sense to sit 2 hours in traffic to arrive to a madhouse of a house where nobody knows we're there, but if we don't show up everyone will know we weren't there.

Get home past midnight, unpack, clean up.
And suddenly the day is gone. Hardly any time to daven, to enjoy, to just be. This is when dh stays sober and does all the driving because I cannot do Purim driving and he navigates the streets and highways like an expert. [We'll leave aside the 2 Purims he drank till he puked and I needed to drive us all home and he was hung over the next day (friday).]

Please, fellow ladies, clue me in on the secret how do you swing it all?

What is the night seuda? Why?

amother

Sienna

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

a) so we cut those out. We don't do friends anymore, not ours and not our kids'. Only neigbors that kids go to while I'm out at megilla so no time wasted there
b) already done. We used to go to all but as the kids increased, the teachers and rebbeim did too so we only do one per kid for a couple of years already. It's still challenging to get to 5 places within 1.5-2 hours time span all over town amid all the traffic of everyone else doing the same.

About the early waking, I've done it twice but with a baby waking me at night most years, it's very very hard.

Cut out the teachers/rebbeim. Either send it to school or deliver on Taanis Esther or Shushan Purim. Once you cut that out, it changes up the entire day.

amother

Moccasin

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 5:45 pm

s1 wrote:

It’s nowhere near as crazy in Manchester UK but I still used to get stressed about the logistics. Then the Purim of Covid made me realise that
A) we don’t need to give mm to so many people. Not me, nor the kids. Our friends will still stay friends with us even without our cellophane wrapped goodies.
B) we don’t need to see every teacher/rebbe on Purim. One per child is plenty. Any treats or nash the rebbe/teacher gives, they’ll give to the child in school after Purim if they don’t get to them on Purim. It’s really not worth driving yourself crazy for
There are so many other times to show hakoras hatov to people- sometimes I send people a bottle of wine right before pesach and it is just as much, if not more, appreciated.
The other trick (although admittedly I haven’t done this myself) is to get up early to daven, and go to a neitz minyan for megilla.

I'm in Manchester too, and I find purim a pretty stressful day, but not how op describes hers. I often send my dh and my kids on their own to deliver for part of the morning if it gets too difficult for me.

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:21 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

Yes I’ve had years when I haven’t been out delivering with dh and kids. I also try to persuade my kids to give to Friends within walking distance. We pile up the buggy and walk as much as we can. And avoid various streets as much as possible.
everything is easier as the kids get bigger.
Also here there are loads of megilla readings in people’s houses, so lots of different times to go.
Another thing I’ve done is made all the kids dress up on Taanis esther and take plenty of photos of them then. Saves a lot of stress on Purim morning.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 6:38 pm

We do teachers/melamdim day or two before.

I go earliest minyan for megillah in my area (about 7-7:30) and DH goes after I come back. Sometimes kids don't even realize I was out because we come back late first night and they're still sleeping.

I give regular breakfast and add little something special like m&m yogurt etc.

Grandparents we go Shushan Purim. It's better for everyone as they get overwhelmed with the chaos on Purim and we can enjoy each other calmly and quietly.

We only do MM for neighbors and friends who live close by within walking distance.

We don't do MM for siblings. My side of the family, each sibling gets anothers name to prepare for but we usually all end up at my parents house and get to showcase our regular MM and everyone goes home with one.

The hard part of the day for me is the extreme tiredness. I don't get to nap once I get up for megillah.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 9:49 pm

op, I am you. my purim looks almost exactly the same. the day flies by with just sitting in the car, driving slowly, I don't feel the holiness, the joy. just rushing and sitting and every year I dislike it a little more.
my kids are still young so I can't cut anything out.
we travel to inlaws that would be mad if we didn't show but also don't realize or care were there and it's a waste of quite a few hours.
the ONE thing that has helped me is my dh learned to read and while it takes time too it's soo much more pleasant to stay home and w the kids and having him read.
idk if it's an option for you but maybe your husband could learn. it's not too hard.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:09 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

Night I usually go to a quick megillah which my grandfather will read after he's back from first minyan ( And he'll wait 5 min if we need to get there.) He reads so so fast which is great. The next day, I wake up early, daven and go to early megillah before my husband (He's sleeping and watching the kids, And hope that the baby stays sleeping while I'm at megillah). I love the headstart in the day. By the time I'm back I could eat breakfast and dress the kids calmly in their costumes. I start by giving MM to our neighbors and local friends before DH is even back. We then usually first do the teachers and rebbeim which us usually early in day. Purim is my kids Yuntif and I try to do all teachers and rebbeim. ( I'll skip all DH and my friends and acquaintances if need be). Once were done with teachers will pop over to my mom for the quick first meal. My mom is ok with everyone coming whenever to eat their meal. She loves to host and doesn't need to run around anymore to teachers etc. Then depending how much time we have till mincha we do all DH and my friends, grandparents, acquaintances. Second meal is at night which is by mom again and we stay there till the kids get to tired.
Honestly if I would have to do all meals and deliver to teachers and friends I don't know how I would do it. Maybe I would stay home and just send DH himself. I'm grateful that my mom can be a huge help for me on this day.

My in laws live hour away which is usually more with traffic. We went ONE year and sweared never again. You can't be all over in one day. The day is hectic enough. And DH usually doesn't drink which is super duper so that's not on my stress radar either.

Cutting out my inlaws would take a lot of stress out of the rush of the day and a special fast megilla leining like you have the first night would be amazing too.

Teachers and rebbeim are usually not available until 11:30-12. That's also the crazy thing that they each have their own super tight schedule, I get it, it's Purim for them too. So one will have 11-1 and the other will say 12:30-3 and a third will say 12-2 and so on. So I can't just create a route according to locations, it also has to match with the timings.

I would feel bad cutting out the teachers and rebbeim because then what's left for my kids? It's the one thing we do just for them. As I type, I'm wondering, if I would give them the choice inlaws or teachers/rebeim, which one they would choose. Not that those two are in conflict because if I go to my inlaws it's at about 4 pm and no teacher/rebbe is available then, but it would help take some pressure and stress off of the Purim rat race.

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe I need to let go of this idea that every kid needs at least one rebbe/teacher visit to make them happy. It would be so much easier to give a day earlier (traffic is only slightly better lol)

I can also go to megilla before dh, not mamesh vasikin but at 8 am, let's say and have dh leave at 9 when I come back. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think dh would love that!

Who is included on your delivery route? Can you give me an idea of where you're going if you're not doing teachers nor friends.

I do this every year. Some years vasikin if zmanim wouldn't work out otherwise. I go for the full Shacharis and daven my heart out. It lends serenity to the rest of the crazy day and I don't feel guilty if I do or don't get to daven the rest of the day.

I also try to find pockets of time to breathe (like when sitting in traffic) and take in the Purim spirit around me. No practical changes, but watching the costumes, music, etc is definitely a mindset shift.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:11 pm

watergirl wrote:

I’m not that OP but my purim looks different than yours so I’ll share.

Night time, we all go to the same leining. When we had little kids, my husband went first, then I went, and then we’d go home and eat and finish making the mm’s, then bed at a normal time bc the next day is long. Some years we go to the shul evening seuda Purim night but usually not.

My husband davens neitz every day, so obviously Purim also. My boys sometimes go with him, some years they go to a later minyan and we are all done by 10. My husband grills steak and makes steak and eggs breakfast for whoever wants and we aim to start delivering mm by 12. I let each kid give to 5 friends and to their rebbes and teachers.

No parents, in-laws, or family to visit.

Husband goes to mincha, then we go to our friends who are family for the seuda.

Purim is great now but it wasn't always. We used to be more rushed and felt pressure, and once one of our kids made a comment that he hated purim because we, his parents, are in a bad mood. After that we made changes in how we communicated and in the choices we made because apparently we were not making it a good day for the kids. One major change was splitting up the kids into two cars to deliver mm, as opposed to all going in the same car. I really pushed the one car but we needed to make this part go quicker. That in and of itself made the day so much more calm.

Purim ends, we all go to bed.

If I cut out my inlaws our schedules would look the same because instead of going to friends for the seuda, I'd go to my parents (who are local) and spend the time in between going around for MM.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2023, 10:13 pm

amother Burlywood wrote:

I was actually trying to validate you.

Eta it doesn’t matter what my Purim looks like. My minhag is 1 seudah. I never heard of 3 seudahs but that doesn’t help you

I give literally 6 MM. literally. I don’t view MM as a source of social obligation or popularity contest. I don’t go to teachers. My husband davens at 6am. Breakfast is same as any other morning: cereal, fruit or yogurt

None of this is helpful to you IMO. I want you to know that if I had your minhagim is find it difficult too

The seuda the night before doesn't affect the next day's schedule, it only affects my megilla leining that night.

The next day, I'm assuming you all eat breakfast or something decent and don't wait until the afternoon/evening for normal food, so we call it a seuda and you call it breakfast. Same difference.

The huge difference is that your dh davens at 6 am and mine goes earliest at 8. I also go to teachers and would feel bad to cut it out. Still debating on that.