10 year old daughter calls me awful names, says I want to ki

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Forum -> Children's Health

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amother

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:31 pm

I.cant. I cant. I literally cant.

My marriage is on the rocks and she says such awful awful things to me.

She gets in a mood and its like shes gone and she just says the most awful worst things to me.

I hope to G-D she doesnt mean it.

Its horrible.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:33 pm

Is she picking up the tension in the house?
Is she in therapy?
She might need medication

amother

Ebony

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:34 pm

Does she see your husband belittle you?

amother

Oxfordblue

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:36 pm

Try motrin and benadryl for brain inflammation. Should stop it in its tracks.

amother

Indigo

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:36 pm

Or if she's hurt by your husband and you're the healthier one she may be letting out her pain on you

Did she change suddenly?
Did you used to have a good relationship?

After she calms down is she sorry?
Not that it's ok but is she good with you at other times?

amother

Cobalt

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:45 pm

I know you need practical advice about how to deal with her, and I don't know what to tell you about that, but I do want to say what Rabbi Laibel Lamm said: He got parenting advice from his rebbi, who told him, "Don't take it personally." It took Rabbi Lamm a few years to figure out what he meant by that, but then it became very obvious. Unfortunately, I need to remind myself of this advice more often than I thought I would need to.

amother

Snowdrop

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:46 pm

Maybe she feels the tension in the house & is anxious, and this is how it's coming out.

amother

Chestnut

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:51 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Try motrin and benadryl for brain inflammation. Should stop it in its tracks.

And how would you get the child to take it?

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:53 pm

Yes she sees the tension.
No shes not in therapy.
Trying so hard to get her some extra TLC in school but shes not 'urgent' so still hasnt reached top of the list yet.
She wont see anyone out of school.

Yes, she has seen my husband belittle me.
She uses some of his words.

Its hard to say whether shes sorry after.
She says it, but dont know where shes holding.

She is more upset because of the actual consequences, than what she did.
And thata usually what kicks off the whole cycle.

Yes usually shes ok with me, but still, definitely makes little comments and jibes and is very free with her words and opinions all the time.

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 5:58 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate your response.

I wasnt really looking for practical advice, Iv got my head screwed on and I know what she needs.

Just needed to vent.
No one would know this side of her, it is such a shame.

Sometimes I am a little bit afraid to be with her in public.
Its so not normal.
When she gets in a mood she can really flip a switch. And its so unpleasant.

Bit I give in to her a lot a lot.
I give her a lot of freedom and say yes a lot to her .

amother

Lilac

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 6:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm so so sorry, OP. The bolded is clearly the issue and the tension in the house just escalates it.

Is there a parenting expert you can ask or can you ask your therapist on how to respond? She's obviously in a fragile state (as are you!)

amother

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 6:14 pm

Thanks.

I will probably ask my therapist.

I dont want to waste crucial time on these things and use up my session.

There are way waay bigger things that are obstructing the way first.

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 6:15 pm

amother Oxfordblue wrote:

Try motrin and benadryl for brain inflammation. Should stop it in its tracks.

If only it was so simple...

amother

Feverfew

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 6:25 pm

You are not alone. I wish I could connect you with my friend. About 10 years ago, her marriage was in a bad place, her husband was abusive - to the point that he did not even hide it from her friends, we saw ourselves. Her DD was about 10 at the time and also treated her mom like trash. The things that came out of this child’s mouth, in my presence, and I’m not even a close friend, were beyond appalling. I wanted to smack the child - and I have never laid a hand on my own children, or even considered it.
(an example might be, the child asked to go to a friends house, and the mom said later. The child said no I wanna go now, I hate you, no wonder daddy calls you a fat B – witch. And she would say this outside shul, and in public. )

The parents are since divorced and the mom is thriving. She is happy and confident.
(Struggling financially, but the joke is -do you know why divorce is so expensive, because it is worth it.)

It has been 10+ years. I don’t know what was involved, but I will tell you that they have the closest relationship. The daughter treats her with the utmost respect, and the girl is as lovely as can be; she is a mench, baalat chessed, thoughtful, kind, and hardworking.

Sending you love and wishes for much hatzlacha. I hope that one day you can look back at this very trying time as no more than a hiccup in the road.

amother

Steelblue

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 6:26 pm

amother Cobalt wrote:

That’s fine but it doesn’t help the main problem in any way

amother

Ebony

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 7:09 pm

I divorced when my children were very young from my emotionally abusive ex. It was an impossible decision to make. The person I was working with told me your kids will start treating you like your husband does. When the kids started calling me stupid and worse names, I realize that they saw it's okay for me to be treated like that from him.

BH divorced for many years now and my daughter and I are very happy with a great relationship. Please do not blame or punish your daughter. She sees this behavior is ok since your husband does it.

Get out of the marriage or set boundaries for how he treats you so she can heal

amother

IndianRed

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 7:18 pm

I don’t have anything To say here, sending hugs. I would however start ignoring the bad things she says. Definitely wouldn’t give consequences for them, since this is what she sees and it’s hard for kids to understand why their dad can say it but they can’t, plus it’s ruining whatever relationship you have with her.
Can you take her out for lunch or ice cream, or just errands? Don’t try having any talks with her, just give her some private attention and love. It might help.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 7:27 pm

I heard from Dr. Becky and it helps me tremendously-

When I child says I hate you, youre stupid, etc picture them saying it to the feeling that is so large within them they cannot manage to keep it in.

Pain and worry (lets just say thats the feeling)- I hate you. you are stupid. You are the worst etc.

It is much easier to empathize when this is the perspective. And thats ACTUALLY whats going on. The feeling they are having is just so large it threatens to overwhelm them.

I have such compassion for you, it is an impossibly lonely spot to be in. You are maxxed out yourself and you're being called to be the support for your child in her turmoil. This is not for the faint of heart. I am with you. Mamas united.

Ps, letting it out is always better (in children) than stifling it down.

amother

Lime

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 7:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is the real problem. You must bring it up with your therapist it’s an emergency. My inclination is that punishing her is not the way to go.

amother

Razzmatazz

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 10:28 am

For some perspective... When my father would physically abuse me, I was too afraid to lash out at him, so all my feelings I would lash out at my poor mother. I would tell her I hated her, even get physical. She was a safe punching bag, so I used her Sad

There was also resentment because I felt she wasn't protecting me even though she would beg him to stop.

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