In an awful mom | Imamother

amother

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:24 am

Not the worst in the entire planet but pretty bad.
Combo of factors. First, I was raised by a BPD mom which included zero love of affection, constant criticism, tremendous amount of yelling and threatening at kids and my father, actual hitting, and insane control.
Also, I’m an introvert and I need my space and I’m not very affectionate with kisses and hugs. (Not sure if that last part is bec if my nature or nurture)
And I need my sleep these days to function.

If a kid does something that wakes me up early I completely lose it. I yell, I take them by the arm a little too hard and plop them in their room.

If kids are wild and loud in the morning (we have downstairs neighbors) I do the same.

When the kids ar w fighting like cats and dogs I have no idea how to handle so I either ignore and it escalates or I threaten to take away privileges, items of their for a night.
I need healthier tactics. I’ve tried reading so many books, went to a parenting class and am in therapy but nothing is helping.

I’m also not creative and very black and white so if these parenting books and tools don’t spell out the situation exactly (which is obviously impossible as they don’t live in my house with my kids) I have a very hard time if not impossible putting the tools into practice in a way that fits the specific situation.

Can anyone help me?

nelliesmellie

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:30 am

I don’t have ideas at the moment but just realize that the fact that you know yourself and know your problem points is an indication of a great mom- you need to find a way to stop the cycle before it has a permanent effect on your kids- and just wanting to do that makes you a great mom!

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:40 am

I don’t have anything great to offer, other than to say that I relate to basically everything you’re saying. I feel you.

amother

Midnight

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:47 am

Is it possible that you need medication? I know I've been difficult places in life where I really couldn't control myself and once I got myself on some anxiety medication I became a different person. It was not a long-term thing that got me through a really difficult period. I have a friend that sounds a lot like you and I think if she would just put herself on medication that she would calm down tremendously. I think it's a huge first step that you even see the problem. Hope that you can find the solution.

anony

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:51 am

In terms of the kids, rewarding good behavior is generally better than punishing bad behavior. “If you behave today, we can go for ice cream later” or implement a sticker chart and after X number of stickers they can earn a reward. Kids are hard but the fact that you recognize your struggles tells me that you have it in you. Good luck!

amother

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 7:57 am

amother Midnight wrote:

Not sure. My therapist never suggested it…. It sounds a little scary to me and a little too good to be true, like I’ll take medication and suddenly I’ll be a loving not angry mom?
I think I’ll ask my therapist what she thinks at our next session.
Can you tell me what your before and after medication looked like for you, personally?

amother

Lightcoral

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 8:02 am

I highly recommend Irene Lyon's work and her 21 day nervous system tune up course for $300.

I am slowly seeing changes in my ability to handle my children's distress. I have a background similar to yours. You can check out her website and content on YouTube and see if it talks to you before commiting to her course. Her work is on the nervous system, SE, somatic practice and feldenkrais.

I want to add that I have read many many parenting books, tooken courses..Irene Lyon says that when our nervous system is regulated we instinctually know how to parent and I truly believe that is so.

amother

Coral

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 8:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Not OP but I have lots of similar issues. I've oftened wondered if some anti anxiety medicine could help me be less of acontrol freak at home. Can you explain how it helps you?

amother

Blue

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 8:31 am

First repeat to yourself over and over, my kids are behaving like normal kids, they come out of bed like normal kids and misbehave like normal kids, B"H. Breathe and try to smile and stay calm. I used to get so annoyed when they spilled things, made messes..now I'll say no big deal let's clean it up. It took a lot of work and my older ones got the raw end of the deal. You just need to force yourself to hug and kiss your kids cause they really need it.
I grew up like you my mother never gave any love and would scream like crazy. My father was physically abusive. I have no idea how we all turned out normal. B"H I can say I was a better mother but could've been better.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 8:34 am

Good for you for acknowledging and reaching out

Please work in therapy on this specific issue and work on your parenting and anger management with a parenting mentor like one on one with concrete examples and so on

hugs and hatzlocha

amother

DarkOrange

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 8:57 am

This was/is me and I am trying tremendously to change

I would regret how I reacted to my kids. I would speak it over with my dh. He kept telling and reminding me change is possible and the more I’m aware of it the more likely I am to change. It took what felt like a very very very long time but I’m suddenly noticing changes in myself. I’m yelling less or maybe even expressing myself in a better way.

Example. If my son is extremely picky and we were somewhere he didn’t want to eat (his pickiness is really hard on me) it would have made me nuts. A few months if he had said he doesn’t want to eat anything at this house. I would have just gotten loud and said “eat or we go home!” “You can’t be afraid of food forever” “okay so now we have to go home” and he would cry and fall apart. I would fall apart.
This time when it happened idk what happened to me but I said “you’re not looking for your favorite thing here. It won’t be your favorite thing to eat. But you have to pick something that will be okay again you’re not looking for your favorite. You’re looking for doable. If you don’t eat you can’t stay here since it’s important you eat” and he ate something! Instead of falling apart because I fell apart. He didn’t finish it. But he ate a good amount of what I consider a good enough meal for him.

I have no idea what happened that I was able to change. I think constantly talking about it with DH. Almost nightly how I wish I could be better and treat them better.

This kid in particular, since my change, has been more affectionate towards me. Cuddles up to me more. Tells me he loves me on his own more.

So my only advise that has worked for me is to talk about it and to make it the front part of your head - with someone who believes in your change. That tells you realizing it is half the battle and being aware even after will eventually make you start being aware before.

I’m not perfect. But BH the change is more and more. And I finally feel like I’m not the worst mother ever.

Thinking and talking are different. If you don’t have someone to talk to. Write it. Get it out and make it a solid part of your mind. Not just putting yourself down. And when you see and notice a time you were able to control yourself you write or say that too.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 10:02 am

If you feel that someone needs to know your exact scenarios, parenting coaches exist and can be helpful. Unlike therapists, they specialize in parenting.

#BestBubby

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 10:05 am

Some parents are better with older kids.

Hang in there.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 10:54 am

I'm calmer when I sleep enough. Can you go to sleep earlier?
Even 15 minutes helps. I also try to make my coffee right away.
It is not the child's problem that baby woke many times at night and he's all ready for breakfast at 6:30.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 11:13 am

anony wrote:

This may also be helpful for yourself.
Rewarding your own good behavior. Either (somewhat) immediate rewards such as ordering in lunch on a morning that you stayed calm. Or saving up for something bigger.
I did try it, and sometimes it worked, sometimes not.

I would suggest waking up before the kids, so that by the time they’re up, you’re dressed, having had your coffee… and I feel that kids are more grounded when they awake to their mother being up and about, than they are when there’s no adult figure around. This is hard though when kids wake up extremely early, which mine do. I do need the bit of sleep I can get.

I will share though what I’m trying now. I noticed that I usually get triggered when I’m thinking in rigid ways. Whether immediate (why are they rowdy so early? They’ll wake up the baby, and I won’t have any energy to deal with today), or long term (why are they behaving this way? Will they grow up to be inconsiderate failures?). If you get it, you get it. These thoughts don’t stop.
So I’m trying to self talk that “I accept the flow of life”. I accept that this is a flow. Today will pass, just as other days have. This wave is normal. This chaos is a normal part of childhood. This phrase also shifts my mind and dislodges it from the stuck place it’s in, to a more flowing place.

I feel like I’m rambling here. But I get it.

areal

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 11:24 am

Cantaloupe & brisket boss, WHO are these coaches/ mentors?? WHERE to did them?! Recommendations please? I never seem to find the right ppl to help...

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 12:09 pm

You are my twin down to the last detail. Maybe you're my little sister.
If I could talk to myself 10-20 years ago, this is what I would say: (listening? good:))
My dear you are selling yourself short. You are a very good mother, a wonderful loving mother who cares so much about your children's welfare and giving them everything they need for life. You work so hard to keep everything together and running smoothly and you excel at this actually.
You have a habit of concentrating only on areas you need improvement on and you are so so critical of yourself. Imagine a white sheet of paper and draw a black dot in the center. What do you see now? A black dot on a white paper? No! The paper is 99.9999% white with a tiny minuscule black spot. Look at all the white, it is a white paper. The black spot is insignificant.
Look at yourself, your whole self. You have a black dot or two but see all the whiteness around them. I know you can't do it, it takes a lot of practice to see the good inside us when we're so used to nonstop judgmental criticism.
You learned noncoping skills from your parents. Temper and displays of anger, lack of self control, ineffective ways of gaining respect, and scaring and hurting children.
But my dear nobody is born perfect. Each one of us has an avodah in life and this is ours. It was all predestined by the One Above and not a mistake that you were born to these parents. This is the mission of your neshama, to work on these faulty character traits. It is easy to blame parents but everything this is from Hashem. Everything. Parents are just people and He knows we aren't perfect parents either. We can be better than them! But still not perfect. And our children, the beautiful little people gifted to us to raise, are also predestined. They are our best teachers. They will cause us to look inside ourselves and scour our hearts and minds for hypocrisy, imperfections, shame, guilt, and bad middos. We will grow and become more righteous than we ever could have been without.

You get angry at your child for misbehaving. How dare he misbehave? You never got a chance to misbehave, why should he? So we let our anger out on them. And we get jealous of our child. They have such a good life, things we never had. We want it too! Our inner child is crying out. Inner child therapy. The more you re-raise that inner child, the more parts of yourself will be collected and integrated into your whole self. You won't be angry or jealous anymore. You'll learn to communicate your needs, apologize when you've messed up, and you'll be full inside instead of empty and longing.
You can also train yourself to conquer your anger. Notice what triggers it and then give yourself what you need to avoid the triggers. It takes time and practice but one instance at a time, you can do it. You can stretch your patience and change your mindset with positive mantras and a gratefulness journal.
I have more to say but let's start with that. It's enough for a while, I think.
This is our lives. Every day is a gift, and every day Hashem gives us a new day, a new opportunity to try again. And again and again. Slowly but surely as you work your way through it you understand better and deeper.
Sending love. If I could do it, anyone can!

amother

Teal

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 3:22 pm

amother gold - that was so beautiful and I got so much chizuk from reading your answer.
thank you!

amother

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 3:29 pm

Gold I’m not jealous of my child.
And I disagree that I’m a good mom.
If my mom would have posted here you might have written the same thing (after all she got poor treatment from her own mother.) but she was awful

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 12 2023, 3:37 pm

amother Teal wrote:

amother gold - that was so beautiful and I got so much chizuk from reading your answer.
thank you!

Genuine hug
Hatzlacha Rabba!