Out-of-Town Bar mitzvah--not frum relatives

amother

Thu, Feb 16 2023, 11:00 am

My eldest son's Bo-bayom falls out early in the week on a legal holiday. In my small out-of-town community what is typically done is a bo-bayom for immediate family, class and rabbeim at home/maybe at one of the local shuls and then there's a shabbos kiddush for the community--ze hu.

My husband doesn't have much family and what's left is very non-religious, has never visited us out here before. I think it's shayich that they might come here given that it will be a legal holiday/no school, but I really don't know. We're not super close since we moved away from the East Coast. In their circles a Bar Mitzvah may have a much different connotation than our simple out-of-town standard.

As of now we're not 100% sure what my son will be doing on Shabbos, we're still early on that.
How to indicate that we would welcome our extended mishpacha to come, but it may be very unusual compared to what they know?

Elfrida

Thu, Feb 16 2023, 11:50 am

Just tell them.

We're planning a small party for friends and community members on his Hebrew birthday, and we hope you'll be able to join us. Of course, you k iw that we are frum, so I'm just warning you that it might be a bit different to what you are used to. Men and women will be sitting separately. Son will probably give a short speech. Include any other basic details, but don't overwhelm them with information. They can always Google etiquette at orthodox celebrations.

If you want to you can also say that he will be reading from the Torah in shul the next Shabbos, and they are welcome to stay the whole of Shabbos with you - but only if you are prepared to do so.

amother

Lime

Thu, Feb 16 2023, 2:08 pm

How would they get there? Are you offering to host them over Shabbos?
I've seen invitations that say "we respectfully request that guests don't drive on the Shabbat day to the Bar Mitzvah. We will happily find you accommodation if you wish to join us"
I also saw one that said "please don't park on the road of the shul, there is a parking lot on Ave____"

mha3484

Thu, Feb 16 2023, 2:11 pm

I am making a bar mitzvah next year I have a lot of family in my city but none are frum. We are planning a nice weeknight event (the bo bayom is a Wednesday) not too fancy but nice for everyone and a much smaller shabbos. No family shabbos meals, just a slightly nicer kiddush. The thought of hosting them all for shabbos makes me want to cry and they would not want to sleep at a stranger anyway. So I am going to put more into the bo bayom and less into the shabbos part.

amother

Wed, Feb 22 2023, 12:10 am

amother Lime wrote:

So we can work with them whatever they want to do. The shul we would likely have the main events at has guest accommodations, so that's one option. Most of the community is like a 5 min walk or less.

imasinger

Wed, Feb 22 2023, 6:17 am

I'm confused.

Are you thinking to invite them to a bo bayom as opposed to a bar mitzvah on Shabbos, in order to avoid the issues of their mechalel Shabbos?

Some people make a bar mitzvah on a Monday or a Thursday. There's no rule saying it has to be on Shabbos.

There's also no rule saying you can't have a bigger party for his bo bayom than usual, and include these guests.

Regardless of what you decide, a guide for those relatives who will be less familiar with what to expect or what it's about is a nice thing.

And mazel tov!