So upset at sil buying gifts

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:15 pm

Dh grew up in a home where gifts were and are a major deal. Presents every night of Chanuka, gifts for bd, prizes and presents for events, etc. As things have gotten easier over the years, his mother and much more so his married sister have taking it to the next level in terms of overabundance of materialism.

Dh and I frequently argue about this but ive slowly slimmed down the extravagant way we do these events to what I think is a compromise of giving gifts but not too much or many. We were going to give dd a puzzle book, a project, and either a game or another project for her birthday.

Yesterday my sister in law and mother in law came over for dinner with family for a yahrtzeit seudah and stopped by Amazing savings on the way. They gave dd:

A shiny box to keep stuff in with a lock
Gel pens
A coloring book
White board and markers
Colored pencils
Other markers and art stuff
Hatchimals
Collectable animals set
Other little toys sets
A notebook with a fancy cover that is trendy now
Two or three projects
A fluff toy
Other random small toy
Light up long fidget toy
Pack of cute scrunchies that turn into animals
A little cute pillow

Probably $150 at least. She doesn't particularly deserve it more than my other kids, totally spoiled any excitement for what we would have given her, totally spoiling her period. I don't nind any particular thing and would have been fine if they had each given her one thing.

I know my mother-in-law would probably have given her more than I really wanted but I know this is mostly my sister-in-law fault. She always goes overboard. When we got together on chanukah she gave each of my kids a bag like this but not as expensive.

I think the real issue is that they totally don't understand the concept that stuff spoils children and that materialism is not a good thing. They know I don't like it and just don't care, not because they are mean people but because they don't understand that their view can be wrong. They at least tried to find stuff that would mostly fit in a small box.

I know I looked like a nasty idiot standing there being upset and trying not to glare at them while they unpacked all the stuff with my daughter.

But they ruined my planning and are ruining my chinuch, I'm just really upset. This kind of giving is totally selfish.

And of course my husband still insists that we have to give my daughter her presents from us which she will not appreciate it and does not need.

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:36 pm

Is it possible to explain to your daughter that grandmother and aunt do things their way and parents do things differently do she understands not to have such high expectations from you. Personally I think its ok for grandparents to spoil their grandkids and this doesn't need to impact the way you are bringing up your kids.

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:37 pm

Two different ways of looking at things.
Neither of you are more right.

I love giving my kids presents and they aren’t spoiled at all. I would give them a puzzle book just because…. Not for a birthday.

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:42 pm

The children will just learn that this side is like that, they will enjoy the gifts but it will not ruin your chinuch, they will just label them extravagant gift givers.

I completely understand your pov, I had similar experience, no harm was done so try not to feel like it will ruin what you are working to imbue in them.

amother

DarkRed

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:44 pm

I understand that this is a very upsetting situation and the only advice I can offer is to have your daughter be thankful for the gifts she got and to help her realize that gifts arent an automatic so she shouldn’t expect a lot and even more importantly, every gift, big or small, should be appreciated in the same way.

I personally have two little kids and I’m constantly buying them cute toys that I see. I often ask myself if I’m spoiling them by doing this and I’ve reached the conclusion that it’s not the giving that makes kids spoiled. It’s when the kids expect things. Giving is a form of love and it’s important for kids to feel loved by their parents, grandparents and other relatives. Another important thing is teaching kids how to share their things. Kids who have a lot and are happy to share are not spoiled kids imo.

amother

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:45 pm

amother Mintcream wrote:

I would also give a puzzle book for a day at home etc. This was a bigger more expensive one.

I grew up getting maybe one Chanuka gift from my parents and sometimes getting a birthday gift.

I just wish there was a way to explain to my in laws that I would like them to respect my chinuch model.

I would have had no problem if they had each given her one or two things.

And I firmly believe it is not good for any child to get that any gifts at one time. I would have given that much across the whole of Chanuka.

amother

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:50 pm

amother DarkRed wrote:

How do I do this? My grandmother has given my kids gifts for Chanuka and been really upset at their reactions. She went to amazing savings and got them each a $10 toy. They were either totally pareve or uninterested. This year I talked to my daughter about it beforehand and her reaction was to tell my grandmother that she would bring it to school to give to their toy drive.

dragoneye126

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:53 pm

Is your DH okay with giving your kids experiences instead of physical gifts? I ask because my experience is very similar to yours, and I’ve noticed that for my in-laws they need to give STUFF but they aren’t great about giving time. So I do the opposite by giving experiences that focus on spending quality time with the birthday kid. This way we’re not competing, and the kid gets both physical gifts and quality time doing something special.

amother

Forsythia

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:53 pm

Teach your children to have graciousness, tact, and thank sincerely that someone took of their time and money to show love to them no matter what the item is. And be vigilant not to hurt people's feelings.

amother

Linen

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:53 pm

I agree with op that it does sound quite excessive. Children don't need a lot of gifts to celebrate their birthday. I also do similar to you op, where I don't give them a lot. I actually let my kids kinda choose their own gifts. I know roughly how much I'm willing to spend and I let them tell me what they would want.
For chanukah, their favorite present was new pjs. We did a scavenger hunt to find them and it was their favorite night of chanukah.
When you don't give a lot, they appreciate the smaller things more. If you constantly are giving more and more, then you always need to be doing bigger and better.
Is there anyway op that for future they can give the gifts without actually giving them? Like give them to you and you can give 2 or 3 for her birthday and keep the others for another time. My inlaws started doing that and it's much better. They say this is what we got for dc and you as the parents can choose when you want to give it to them.

Elfrida

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

And of course my husband still insists that we have to give my daughter her presents from us which she will not appreciate it and does not need.

Your husband is right.

Will she appreciate it? Maybe, maybe not.
Does she need it? No one needs a present.

But what happens if you give her nothing? She can get the impression that you don't care about her or her birthday. It's not the physical present that is important in this case. It's the symbolism that goes with it.

mommyX2

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 12:58 pm

Discuss being gracious even for small things. It's important.

For dd bday gift I would change it up and not give a gift item, I would instead give her an experience this yr. Like pottery painting, trampoline park, ice cream etc, so you are not "competing" with the many gifts they gave

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:03 pm

I grew up that we got something for each YT usually a book + a nice bday present religiously every year + from grandparents. We were never spoiled...
Sounds like your sil mostly gave little prizes that will break/get lost in a day while your giving her a nice present she can use over and over again. why do you think it'll spoil what youre giving her?

mommyhood

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:09 pm

Elfrida wrote:

If the family needs or wants something during the year and it’s something a think they should have I get it but no official presents for birthday, Chanukah, Afikoman. Of course I acknowledge the occasion, bake a cake, hang up a sign, make it exciting for them but they get so many presents from grandparents and aunts and uncles there’s no reason for me to buy more at those times.

msinalaw

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:19 pm

I think if you have a conversation with DH about this and say instead of spending so much $ on gifts, perhaps she can gift her time and take your dd somewhere as an experience. The memories of spending time with grandmas, going to places is priceless, and you as a dil can then express your gratitude by gifting a small custom made photo book to your mil as a token of appreciation.
Just my two cents.

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:34 pm

OP, you don't state how old DS is.
At a certain age you may try to gently tell her that for some people shopping and gifts is a hobby and for some it's almost an addiction so to say. And we all have some 'weaknesses' when it comes to material things in one why or another.

rachelli66

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:34 pm

OP is it bothering you that your SIL only gave presents to 1 child and not everyone? I think it's ok for kids to know that Grandma and Aunty sometimes buy the children gifts. Let them enjoy. Maybe later on you can speak with DD about giving the other siblings something if she got a few choices. Everyone shows love differently. You as the parents need to teach what you expect in your home. If they accept presents, write Thank You notes expressing how kind the gesture is. They will learn, just because Aunty does this, does not mean we do it also.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:36 pm

I get it.

My kids are my in-laws only grandchildren. They would buy a ton for chanukah or birthdays. It was so bad that once my husband's grandmother (kid's great grandmother) gave them books and my son was probably 6 at the time and said "this isn't a present".

I've taught them to just say thank you even if they don't care for it. BH the kids have been much better with it now.

When my kids were younger I would take all the presents, give one or 2 and put the rest away. Over the course of the year, I'd give them another small item for yom tov or off day or a rainy sunday. They got the gifts but spread out.

giftedmom

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:44 pm

You need to chill or you’ll give yourself palpitations for nothing. There are worse things in life than getting a bunch of things from amazing savings. Your kids aren’t that fragile. Stuff doesn’t spoil children. Giving stuff instead of love spoils children. They’ll know that their aunt and grandmother like to give them lots of gifts and that’s just how it is. Really, they’ll be fine. Stop worrying so much about what will be and focus on being the best parent you can be right now.

amother

DarkViolet

Thu, Feb 23 2023, 1:45 pm

I'm a bubby who can't afford expensive gifts. I am super thrilled when my grandkids get tons of gifts like your child got. It's a bracha! If my grandchild would be disinterested in my cheap gift because she gets massive gifts from others then I'd be very happy.. BH she has tons of things!!

Be grateful for your inlaws generosity. It will NOT spoil her chinuch.

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