Did your difficult children get easier as teens/adults

amother

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:15 am

My children ages 9, 7, 4 are very intense and difficult at home. Lots of yelling, fighting, not listening... It's completely exhausting mentally and physically. They are perfect in school BH! I am wondering if any of you Imas had children like this who have now grown up and are teenagers or older. Is there hope that they will get easier when older? Or is it likely that their personalities will stay the same....?

amother

Lime

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:18 am

They definitely got easier. But then you have new issues, of hormones and independence. But I do find younger to be more physically tiring.

amother

Lightblue

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:18 am

I’m in the same boat as you. I sure hope so. I finally said to my husband last night I give up. Let them just suffer the consequences of behaving like this as adults. I’m done trying to help them navigate their impulses. 2 of them are in therapy and I don’t see a difference. I know it’s hard for you, but thanks for posting. It makes me feel like I’m not alone.

amother

IndianRed

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:36 am

Mine are like that as well, and I've been asking myself the same questions... will they ever be just "normal"???

amother

Jasmine

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:36 am

I really hope so. I am so depleted from the intensity of the figting and meltdowns, I often wonder if I will survive raising my family without completely losing it. I'm in a terrible place right now with my kids,maybe I shouldn't have posted on this thread.

amother

Red

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:41 am

Similar ages of kids...Similar experience. Normal bright kids. Their teachers are very happy with them. But at home the constant bickering and tantrums and negotiations...I realize I'm dreading pesach..not for all the hard work but for the having them home for so many days.

amother

Gray

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:41 am

Yes, for me.

I have a 14 year old who was incredibly hard. Textbook ADHD, social issues, major impulsivity...

A 12 year old who was challenging in a different way. Anxiety, meltdowns...

Their younger siblings are not anywhere near as difficult as those older ones are. And both of the older ones are BH in a much better place right now. The older one is medicated, which is a huge part of the improvement. The younger one we worked with for a long time to give him the skills he needed to deal with his anxious feelings. We worked with the older one too, but without his medication he's still a wreck.

Both are doing well in school, get along with their siblings (which is huge!), and are overall happy and not overly difficult to parent.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:43 am

It doesn't get easier. It changes to different problems. Physically it improves. However, the moodiness, arguments bickering evolves into adult version

amother

Silver

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:48 am

My 17 year old was always my challenging child. He is still extremely difficult. Although we tried to help him in any way we could think of when he was young, apparently we didn’t do the right things.
It is supposed to get easier as they mature. This didn’t happen to me (yet) but I hope you will find your child to be much happier, at peace with himself and respectful and he grows up.
Now I’m thinking.. maybe at 25 I’ll finally have an emotionally stable child?? One can always hope…

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 9:52 am

Yes they are easier

In great part because I became a better mother.

Constantly reading parenting books
Read Hold onto your kids by Gordon Neufeld.

amother

Ivory

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:08 am

amother Nasturtium wrote:

Yes they are easier

In great part because I became a better mother.

Constantly reading parenting books
Read Hold onto your kids by Gordon Neufeld.

I'm sure you didn't mean it,butI feel like this puts a lot of pressure on mothers-as long as your a "good enough" mother- the difficult kids will be difficult & easy kids easy-outside parenting support might help-but overall, I think it's more about the kid then how good you are as a parent.

socialbutterfly

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:13 am

amother Nasturtium wrote:

Yes they are easier

In great part because I became a better mother.

Constantly reading parenting books
Read Hold onto your kids by Gordon Neufeld.

Great book!

amother

Mint

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 10:19 am

I'm one of those who had a pretty calm house until my girls became teenagers. Those were the most challenging years. Moving them into their own bedrooms helped a lot. B"H my older girls are in their 20's now and get along very well. My boys seem much easier.
My 3rd child was the most challenging - she started throwing tantrums at 9 months - stubborn but not ADHD and pretty well behaved at school. Although she is considered a "great" girls now, when she gets upset or doesn't get her away she sulks which to me is an adult version of a tantrum.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:01 pm

Unfortunately, they did not improve greatly.

On the surface DS behavior is better but it's only superficial. When things don't go his way all the bad behaviors return.

DD has impulse control issues which have continued.

They are both in their 20s.

This is after intensive therapy.

Teary Eyed

amother

Sage

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:06 pm

Dd was very intense when she was little. She would also get a lot worse when she had strept, ear infections etc. and those were one and off all winter. I would be up nights with her coughing and during the day she’d scream and cry all day calling me a horrible mother.
Besides for the fact that I’ve gained a lot of experience since then and also healed my own trauma, she also grew up a lot.
She’s nearly 11 now and taking a lot more responsibility for her own behavior. She can still act immature at times but she knows it.
Otherwise she’s responsible, helpful, mature, and altogether a pleasure to have around, albeit at times annoying.

amother

Diamond

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:13 pm

I was the impossible kid... Banging head

My mother always says it makes her calmer raising my younger siblings because she see's how I turned out ok in the end LOL

I was a impossible, didn't listen to a word, tortured my siblings and parents, yelled and screamed about everything. Obviously work went into it, but also I grew up...

(married with kids now for ref)

amother

Darkblue

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:15 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

I was the impossible kid... Banging head

My mother always says it makes her calmer raising my younger siblings because she see's how I turned out ok in the end LOL

What caused your behavior?

amother

Azalea

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:26 pm

My DS14 was way harder as an infant, a stubborn two year old, an impossible dictator 4 year old, eased up a bit around age 7, and then by 9 was back to walking on eggshells around him. I took a course, I was in therapy, and probably time also, but now he is such a good kid K'AH. Yes, he has his "things" but I'm better equipped and the things aren't compared to what they were when he's younger. Since he's older, I give him more space to make decisions and make mistakes.

amother

Camellia

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:31 pm

I’m davening they get easier! I have a handful of girls (no boys), oldest is elementary. There’s constant arguing and meltdowns and drama. It feels like there is always someone crying or screaming…I’m soooo nervous for them to reach teenage years and hormones to kick in 🙈🙈🙈

We have taken many parenting courses and there are lots of therapies for the ones who need it. We have diagnosed ADHD and anxiety in the mix. Life is tough, I’m davening everything settles…

amother

Camellia

Sun, Feb 26 2023, 12:36 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

I was the impossible kid... Banging head

My mother always says it makes her calmer raising my younger siblings because she see's how I turned out ok in the end LOL

Can I ask you a blunt question? Feel free to ignore me if you don’t want to answer.

Are you still a more “intense” personality? Did it affect your social circle or shalom bayis?
I’m asking from worry for my children’s future…