How to respond to kids being "upset" at "bad" marks?

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:29 pm

my kids are young, under 10 years old. they get "upset" when they get under a 90.

I'm unsure if they're really upset or it's just them fishing to hear that it's really fine, which I tell them, but they don't seem to hear me.
I tried telling them: you're doing great. I'm fine with any mark, I'm happy you took the test, as long as you're trying, you knew 80% of the work, same 100% every time is boring, you're smart, this doesn't reflect on you....

nothing seems to help. should I bother to try to explain to them that 100% isn't important or should I let them "vent" and not engage?

I'm using a lot of quotes because I get a feeling that they're not really upset.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:30 pm

Yes, just let them vent. "Oh, I hear you." "You wish you got a 90." "I see." Kids often prefer this to you trying to explain or fix it somehow.

giftedmom

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:31 pm

Validate validate validate
Don’t try to brush them off or fix their feelings. Empathize with what they’re feeling regardless if you think it’s justified.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Feb 27 2023, 11:52 pm

One of my daughters teachers marks tests in a way that I think is unfair. If a kid gets 4 answers wrong, it's already marked in the 80's. I kept on telling my daughter that the mark is not important, especially not by this teacher, and I look at her effort and work. I tell her not to focus on how many she got wrong, but on all answers she got right and that's amazing.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 12:14 am

They're probably copying other kids. This perfectionism is trendy in some places, particularly among girls.

I'd try dealing with the issue. Acknowledge that they are upset, and ask, how would things be different if you had gotten a perfect grade? You'd get an A on your report card? Ok, and then what? Keep digging. You may find that they worry about being inadequate, or they may find that none of this really matters.

nicole81

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 1:54 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Unless the test has 40+ questions, there's no reason 4 answers wrong shouldn't be in the 80s or lower. I personally hate the practice of grade inflation, even for little kids. If the kids aren't succeeding then the teacher needs to reevaluate how they teach and assess.

OP- just validate. If the child is up for it, you can remind them that a grade is just a measure of their performance at one given point in time and doesn't define them.

DreamerForever

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 4:19 am

There was an article in the mishpacha on this question by S.C Radcliffe. I found it spot on. A kid who goes on and on-- refusing to be comforted is likely begging for simple acknowledgement and validation of her feelings. It does more than any encouragement can do.

https://mishpacha.com/how-to-b.....hter/

amother

Ebony

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:24 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

I'm not sure why you're so upset by this. If the test is 20-25 questions then that's how the math works...

The main issue is that somehow only 90s became acceptable in the frum world which is not a reasonable expectation for all kids.
Some kids are happier if the grade is written as a ratio instead of a percentage, and if you ask, teacher can probably accomodate that.

Just keep reiterating that you understand she's frustrated because she worked so hard but look! She knew 80% of the info! Great job!

amother

Midnight

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 7:17 am

giftedmom wrote:

Validate validate validate
Don’t try to brush them off or fix their feelings. Empathize with what they’re feeling regardless if you think it’s justified.

You have to be careful with this, though. Validate their feelings, not their insecurities.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 8:24 am

I would say "wouldn't it be great if you can get 100's all the time!" I would be wary of over validating this. Validate only once. In general I am moving away from the validating and empathy and moving more towards attunement. What does your child really want from you? Tune into that!

DreamerForever

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 8:43 am

amother RosePink wrote:

I think sometimes people misuse the term 'validate' . It means to simply 'acknowledge that something is valid' . In other words, without over-coddling;

"DD You're so upset about your result, I see that."

It sounds like nothing, but it does the world for us humans. We feel seen and understood. And then we can go on to process those feelings ourselves, knowing that it's ok to feel the way we do.

sushilover

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:19 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

I have the opposite issue. The teacher only takes two points off per question and there are 20 spelling words. So if this kid gets half the words wrong, she still receives an 80! Needless to say this child's spelling skills are not improving this year.

amother

RosePink

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:22 am

DreamerForever wrote:

Right, but validating and empathizing over and over again keeps kids stuck and is not necessarily attunement.

rachelli66

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:33 am

Not sure what the answer is here. When I was in School, a few kids would cry (with tears) when they received anywhere under 97. I could only wish that. (ADD student here.) From when my children were young I taught them if they tried their best, I am proud. I assume as they get older you can have talks with them about what grades mean, what success means.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 9:44 am

DreamerForever wrote:

But quite often, people think they're doing that, when really they're not. Someone says "I'm a pathetic loser," and they respond "I understand how that makes you feel sad."

amother

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 3:39 pm

I'm afraid of validating bc then they'll think I agree with them. my son especially nit-picks at my words and delves into it to find the maybe-perceived negativity. I feel like I can't say "I feel you're so disappointed" bc he'll say 'you see, it really is disappointing'.
he does this no matter which area I compliment or anything I validate.
also, he really doesn't work hard so I can't focus on that either.
I will try to validate once and still say one time that it's a great mark. I probably need to give a ton of att to areas he excels in but he'll find a way to knock that compliment too.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 3:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

When you say that it's a great mark, you're invalidating, which honestly kind of cancels out the validating. I promise--your kids don't forget all the stuff you've told them before. Smile

amother

Holly

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 3:46 pm

I think your kids might be trying to get you to see that they think they deserve a 100. So see that. “You feel like you deserved a 100? What could you do differently next time to get a mark closer to 100? To me it’s most important that you put in the effort you are able to. Do you feel like you did that?”

salt

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 1:25 am

amother Tanzanite wrote:

This.
My DD was upset and embarrassed that she got 72 in a test. I said think about it like this - you got more than 7 out of 10 questions right! That's loads!

DrMom

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 1:42 am

I think kids should be praised for being conscientious and wanting to do well in school, provided they don't feel devastated and miserable when they don't perform up to their expectations.

How about something like, "It's great that you genuinely want to do well in school. I'm so proud of you. School is for learning, so if there is something you got wrong on a test, the important thing is to understand what you got wrong, and make sure you understand it. Come, let's look over the test together and you can walk me through it."

Let them go over the test with you (let them explain) and use it as a way to open a conversation about what they are learning.

Then review what they got wrong... and what they got right. Let them show you what they learned. Don't focus on the numerical grade. Praise them for doing well on what they got right and explain to them what they got wrong.