Can we talk about this?

amother

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 5:56 pm

I know this is a very diverse crowd and I'm probably in the minority. But still I would like to have a discussion.

A friend recently called tp ask my advice/opinion. She wants to get dressed up, with her husband to match a theme with her kids. Very normal.

Her husband doesn't want to dress up. He wants to wear his regular white shirt and suit. She would love for him to be part of the theme. Not only does he not want to, he prefers that she not dress up. He feels it's maybe not so tznius. He points to the rebbetzin in theor community who does not dress up.

She called to ask my opinion.

This is what I told her.
I never actually thought about it before.
Where I grew up (heimish background) only the kids dressed up. I don't recall ever seeing an adult in costume. Then I moved to an OOT community, and I see here that families all dress up, the parents, the older kids and the little kids. This seems to be the norm here.

I still do not get dressed up (and neither does my husband) , because in my eyes, it's a babyish thing to do (as a result of the way I grew up.).Dressing up is for kids. The way I see it, kids fantasize about what they will wear, but as you mature, you don't need that anymore. When I see a grown man or woman dressed up in full costume, I kind of think, "what are you, a baby? You haven't outgrown this?" So I personally don't dress up, not because I think it's wrong, but because I didnt grow up seeing this. My older girls don't dress up either.

So I know it's all about what you are used to. I'm sure many adults get dressed up because they want the kids to enjoy the Yom tov and it's part of the experience.

As far as if it's tznius/appropriate, my thought is that it's very community dependant. I advised her to look at the women in her community who she admires and respects and see if they dress up. If not, why not?

I also said that it's not a matter of right or wrong. More like a gray area. Like if it was really important to her husband and kids, perhaps that is the right thing to do. In this case, her husband is not comfortable with her getting dressed up. So probably skip it.

I know many of you (if not most) do get dressed up. My question is if you could talk to my points.
Do the "respected" people dress up in the community? If not, why not? Do you think it can be a lack of tznius? Did the adults get dressed up when you were a kid?

amother

Clear

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:00 pm

Growing up I rarely saw an adult dress up. But it's become quite common now. But I don't think some of the costumes are appropriate.

Rappel

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:01 pm

When I was a kid, adults did not dress up.

In my current community, the respectable people may wear a funny hat in honour of the day, but that's the limit. The leaders do not dress up.

I dress my kids in costumes, and if I can get a hat that makes people smile, then I do. But for myself - I wear chag clothing to honour the day, and I think that's respectful.

Last edited by Rappel on Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:02 pm; edited 2 times in total

amother

Birch

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:01 pm

I prefer leaving the dressing up to the kids.
I don't enjoy seeing adults making fools of themselves.
OTH a group of young adults can have fun, but no rabbonim or rebbitzens please

amother

Hyacinth

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:01 pm

We actually had a thread about this recently in the yeshivish private forum. I was the OP, and we had a poll. Most women on that thread didn’t dress up for tznius reasons, and it wasn’t location specific. Only hashkafa specific.

amother

Birch

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:02 pm

Last time I dressed up, no one noticed, lol

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:10 pm

I like to dress up a bit. my kids are excited I think it adds simchas yom tov. We are chasidish This year we doing circus theme so got my husband maroon blazer and I’m wearing blck blazer stripe shirt with maroon hat.

amother

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:11 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

I dodnt even know there was a yeshivish private forum.
Well the responses so far are validating. In my oot community, I feel like we are the only ones who don't dress up.

Again, to clarify. I don't think of it because of tznius. To me its more because it's childish.
I do see ladies who don't get dressed up but the men are always wearing some costume, or weekday clothes.
My husband and I wear shabbos clothes.

DVOM

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:14 pm

I didn't used to, but now I do. My boys have lots of friends who's parents dress up, and I get really like it when I do.

amother

Olive

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:18 pm

I like to dress up but nearly none of the adults in my chassidish community dress up. I don't care.

kenz

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:18 pm

Growing up I don't recall adults dressing up at all - maybe a hat here and there. Now we do a family theme and I do dress up, but only 100% tzniusdig outfits and I don't leave the house at all.
It started as just a funny hat or mask for me and then eventually I ended up matching the rest of the family because my kids absolutely love it. It's something they look forward to all year. (One year very early on I left the house in a bright orange wig and got so many looks and smiles it made me very uncomfortable. People liked it, but I didn't feel right.)
Even though I don't leave the house, if my husband asked me not to, I wouldn't. My husband is actually more reluctant to dress up on his own, the kids know that his costume has to be quick and easy and comfortable or he won't wear it. It's usually just a specific jacket or crown type of thing.

sequoia

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:20 pm

Recently, going through old photos, I discovered a photo of my principal in an awesome hat on Purim Smile

#BestBubby

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:23 pm

There are opinions that girls over bas mitzvah should not wear costumes in the street

But ok at a private house.

Don't feel it's right to pressure husband or wife to dress up if they are uncomfortable.

Some just wear a funny tie.

I get that dressing up can be fun for adults

amother

Feverfew

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:26 pm

OOT Rebbetzin here,
My community enjoys the rabbi and Rebbetzin being fun.
I wear Shabbat clothes
I put on a Tiara or a small plastic hat

https://www.partycity.com/gold.....aw.ds

Or a Hawaiian Lei

DH, the Rabbi wears a fun tie and a white costume fedora hat instead of his normal black hat.

amother

Snow

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:33 pm

My mother and I look alike . We dressed up like twins a few Purims. I always dressed up, even in highschool. Now, it varies from year to year . I love dressing up. It makes me feel young and carefree. I was also born in Adar and feel like Purim is the Yom Tov for me.
The adults that I knew who dressed up usually were inconspicuous. For example , dressing up like a Chasidish couple, or even Chasidish female that wore the levush from a different chasiddus (example added a hat to her sheitel etc) , or dressed up like a yerushalmi etc.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:37 pm

My husband wears a funny hat to our seuda. I would be goofy at a private family seuda but otherwise not.

amother

Red

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 6:53 pm

Our principal, always dressed up. Usually it was in one of those four questions that you need to rent. My kids principal dresses up as well. I don’t find it not tznius if many people do. If no one does, and one woman comes in then no, it is not tznius and drawing attention. How is it any different than wearing anything other than a burka to a simcha. If one person is wearing a heavily beaded gown, and everyone came in their Bas Yaakov uniform, all eyes would be on her. But if 1/2 the girls are “wear long” it is not untnius. I’m sorry to say, but much of tennis, in regard to clothing, is based on what others around you are wearing.

I do not find wearing a costume to be immature. It is so nice have some parents get into the Chag with their children. I do not dress up, but it is because I’m lazy and cheap. I’m so glad only half our neighborhood dresses up, this way, I’m not forced in either direction.

It would be awesome if she came up with a costume theme for her family, where her husband’s clothing fit in perfectly. I don’t know what that would be, as I’m not creative enough to think about it, but how funny would that be-him wearing a costume without him even knowing!

amother

Poppy

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 7:05 pm

Just the opposite here - my husband always dresses up & wants me to (where he grew up his family did) but I never do - maybe I'll wear a hat, or different wig to the seuda. My husband always trying to encourage me to dress up but once hes had a few drinks & I'm the one driving... hes ok with it! My mother always dressed somewhat up but never my father (except a funny tie - sometimes!) I guess its partly hashkofa why I dont, partly self consciousness as many other adults here don't.

amother

Mocha

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 7:12 pm

Mostly I see adults do 1 funny accessory, hat, clown tie or wig, etc.
I work in a MO school where teachers dress up for the dress up day though

amother

White

Tue, Feb 28 2023, 7:25 pm

My kids wanted us to be part of their theme, but we don’t feel comfortable dressing up. One year they were spies and we were the suspects (ie no special costume). Another year pirates and captives (again no special costume).
It’s easy to find non-costume ways to be part of the theme, like undercover cops, customers, pet owners, etc.

It won’t satisfy her desire to actually dress up, though. Maybe she could do something mild that isn’t noticeable for people who don’t know her, like color contacts, switch sheitels with a friend who a has different color or style, etc.