Where do you get your parenting techniques from?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:01 am

Bh I was brought up in a healthy, stable home with a wonderful mother. I think I get my parenting techniques from her and logic, instinct. I don’t read books, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t asked others for advice. I would consider myself a strict, but fair.

What about you and what do you consider your parenting style?

amother

Emerald

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:07 am

Trial and error a marriage of my style my husbands style our parents style and the style of people we respect adjusted to meet the reality/needs of our children

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:28 am

My parents were awful. Thank Gd I read the book "Children: the Challenge" before my oldest was 2.

amother

DarkOrange

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:29 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you ever read any of the parenting threads here?

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:40 am

Definetly my mother. She made us into confident people and I try and emulate her. My style is relaxed. I don't say no often and I try not to get heated when things break etc. I want my kids to grow and discover. I love natural consequences as well. My goal is for my kids to become emotionally healthy people and I try as hard as I can to compliment, show interest in them, make them feel special, tell them how much I love them, buy them prizes so they feel special,etc. Ages are 3, 2, and baby

amother

Marigold

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 3:50 am

My mother B”H

amother

Babypink

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 4:20 am

I follow logical techniques and not .emotions/moods roller coaster which is the way I was raised

amother

Navy

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 4:27 am

That's so beautiful to get parenting from your mother! I hope my kids will say that about me!

amother

Gardenia

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 4:39 am

Same, my mom and grandmother before her. To me, my Grandmother was the absolute epitome of an Eishet Chayil. She was warm, loving, thoughtful, regal, organized, the best cook, alway there, I can just go on and on. My sister feels the same and we both said whenever in doubt, be it a child, work, shalom bayit, or social issue- we think before we act and imagine what she would do.
She is long gone, but I do seek counsel from my mother and advice from my sister as needed. I am aware of how very blessed I am.

Someone asked if OP reads the parenting threads. I do, but some things make me cringe beyond belief.

DreamerForever

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 5:26 am

I am not the jealous type, but folks: here is where I get really jealous.

I would give anything to have had a mother that I wanted to emulate. Both for the stability and secure atachment that would give me now as an adult; and to have a way to follow.

I know this is my journey, and it isn't a mistake-- but often I can't help thinking how amazing it would be to have that healthy base from where to build; instead of having to struggle for basic things- and trying to live and thrive with CPTSD.

Having said that, my being in therapy has definitely improved my parenting a lot. Being very self aware and attuned to my own feelings helps me do the same for my own children. My therapist also encourages me that all the painful inner work I am doing-- gets me to a very real place which many 'regular' people don't get to. And this fosters more connection and understanding for my children and in all my relationships.

Still, being in therapy as a parent can be really hard.

amother

Mint

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 5:59 am

I also get my methods from my mother.

Although I do the exact opposite as she would’ve done. I learned from her what not to do to innocent kids.

It’s not perfect but way better than the childhood I had.

Chayalle

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 6:46 am

I definitely got plenty in different ways from my upbringing, including my parents and grandparents. But I took a parenting course with Mrs. Leah Trenk, and I consider her my mentor in parenting.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 7:11 am

amother Aquamarine wrote:

My parents were awful. Thank Gd I read the book "Children: the Challenge" before my oldest was 2.

So cool to see someone else mention that! It's the only parenting book my MIL read and first one I read, when I had my first newborn. (MIL strongly recommends it to everyone, and recently brought it up to me again while giving unsolicited advice after asking permission to do so. Ironically, however, at this point I am really into some big ideas from that book that I know she does not believe in or follow.)

Later I got into Janet Lansbury and then Robin Einzig who is less well known. She has a blog and a strictly run Facebook group, participation in which she would like you to think of as taking a class. There is also a new project, a membership website with some free content. Anyway, as anyone could guess from my posts, she promotes respectful parenting. She remembers what it is like to be a child and she advocates for the child. Robin also studied child development and worked with children for many years. Now her work is with parents.

A lot of the stuff I've read about was my natural inclination anyway, because of my personality I guess. I also think I had a good childhood overall and was parented just fine but it's easy to identify areas where I want to do things differently. When I try to think about things that I consciously do because my mother did, I think more about care and activities than what you might call parenting techniques.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 7:20 am

I don't follow any particular parenting method or approach.

I read widely, listen to a lot of podcasts, pick up ideas that seem to work but don't feel pressured to live up to anyone else's parenting style.

What works for me is radical acceptance: Accepting that Hashem wanted me to grow up with the parents I had, have the personality I have, have the children I have. My house won't be as smooth and well-functioning as someone else's and that's okay. I have to work with what I have.

Reducing my internal anxiety about how I"m parenting or how my kids will turn out has been huge in making me a more functional mother.

As to my own mother: As I grow older I admire her more and appreciate more the challenges she faced and how she dealt with them. At the same time, I was overworked and carried a lot of the responsibility for the family at an early age which definitely affected me. I do not have a close relationship with her (it's respectful but distant). BH I have a mentor for 30+ years who has been like a mother to me. B"H.

amother

Chambray

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 9:51 am

Chayalle wrote:

I definitely got plenty in different ways from my upbringing, including my parents and grandparents. But I took a parenting course with Mrs. Leah Trenk, and I consider her my mentor in parenting.

do you know if she still gives parenting workshops?

mushkamothers

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 10:11 am

I've been reading parenting stuff since I was in 5th grade and the school gave us newsletters to bring home. I was a camp counselor since age 13 and always reading up on kids behavior, I used to babysit and read the parenting books on the shelves.

When my first was a newborn I think I read every single sleep book available... literally... including some very obscure ones.

So my own approach is heavily researched and because I'm an educator by nature I like Montessori (who was a scientist) as a basis + attachment science + neuroscience + child development psychology + newer research on trauma and inner child stuff + Torah hashkafa + some good old common sense which yes I learned from my mother like giving kids bedtimes and making sure they're fed.

There's no word for this but this is also what I teach.
For a shortcut word, "respectful" or "conscious" could do but I think of it more as very intentional and on-purpose.

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 10:43 am

Chayalle wrote:

I definitely got plenty in different ways from my upbringing, including my parents and grandparents. But I took a parenting course with Mrs. Leah Trenk, and I consider her my mentor in parenting.

Does Rebbetzen Trenk have any video's on Chinuch on Youtube?

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 10:47 am

My father

amother

Catmint

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 10:56 am

I found this video of Leah Trenk talking about her late husband, not sure if she talks about parenting in it.

https://youtu.be/_vala9QGU6E

ETA it’s a really beautiful video! She discusses her husband’s chinuch methods which I assume were similar to hers. Would love to attend a course given by her if she still gives them.

ectomorph

Wed, Mar 01 2023, 12:27 pm

Rochel Goldbaum

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