How to deal with adhd child without threats?

amother

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 7:22 pm

My young son is extremely challenging and behavioral. Typical adhd- hyperactive, impulsive, can’t focus, etc
He drains every last bit of energy I have. The entire day I deal with his behaviors calmly and for the most part I don’t lose my cool.
(Before you all suggest meds I already tried 4 different brands and even half of the smallest dose makes him cranky and he falls asleep. Need to wait till he’s older to try again)
My main problem is bedtime. The second we start bedtime routine, it’s like something snaps inside him and he goes absolutely crazy. The younger kids copy him and it becomes absolute bedlam. Yes I try separating them but sometimes it’s just me at home with the little kids trying to control everyone.
Anyway, he goes crazy in the bath- Splashing, jumping, throwing things, putting towels in the bathwater, throwing boxes of tissues in the bathwater, etc. Then he gets out and runs around wild and screaming. Brushing teeth and putting on pajamas is a nightmare. Then he climbs on the furniture in his room, Jumps on his bed, climbs in the baby crib and throws things out, non stop laughing and screaming. Completely out of control. The only thing that works to make him lay down is if I threaten to smack him or take away something precious from him.
Now before you all say I’m the worst mother, I tried everything already -melatonin, playing soft music and story tapes, reading books, incentives, good behavior charts, massaging him… everything.
I really need help 😭 bedtime is a nightmare

amother

DarkOrange

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 7:36 pm

Something needs to change
He is very overwhelmed and tired at night
I’m no expert and I’m passed these yrs many times over
So if what I say makes absolutely no sense please ignore

How old is he
How many siblings are there

Can baths be given in the am
-or-
As soon as he comes home from school

Can brushing teeth be after dinner, not right before he goes to sleep.

Maybe it helps- maybe it doesn’t, but I think a different bedtime is routine is needed. Something that is less work (read frustrating) on you.

Are there clear family rules that are posted
Some kids need clear posted rules so they know exactly what is expected.

Is there a reward and consequence system in place

I’m a time out type of person (yes I know it’s not in style)
Watch SuperNanny and follow her technique exact.

amother

Hibiscus

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 7:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

He sounds just like my 5 year olds. Except they act like this all day. No advice because I've also tried everything and nothing works. Just here for support and tell tou youre not alone, very tough.

amother

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 7:50 pm

amother DarkOrange wrote:

Sometimes I do baths right after school or in the morning, but he’s still hyper at bedtime and can’t lay down. Yes he knows all the rules yes I’ve tried rewards and consequences

amother

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 7:52 pm

amother Topaz wrote:

How old is he? And many non stimulants take a few days to start working let alone losing the side effects. My daughter starting guanfacine going into 2nd grade. It took 4 days for her to be awake during the day. But she was much calmer and could sit for more than a minute. I am not saying guanfacine is for him but don't dismiss medicine completely.

He’s in pre1a. I tried guanfacine for a few days. It knocked him out- he slept for 3 hours and then woke up cried the rest of the day. That’s not functional. I tried others too. I’m not dismissing meds, I’m saying his body is too small to handle it right now

amother

Amaranthus

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 9:15 pm

Agree with doing bath time right when he comes home. It seems to be over-stimulating him.

I can kind of relate to your son. If I'm very sleep deficient, I might be falling asleep at 8pm but if I'm still up at 1am, I get a second wind. I know that if I miss my window, it becomes much harder for me to settle myself down and fall asleep.

I suggest you try to change up his schedule. Either try starting bed time earlier, or try waking him up earlier, or both.

Also, the bedtime routine should start at least a half hour before the actual bedtime routine. Dim the lights, quiet activities, etc.

Also make sure he has safe outlets available for his energy. My dh hates it but we've had a mini trampoline in our living room for years. I have a friend who installed swings and rope ladders in her basement. Maybe keep a trampoline in his bedroom if he's jumping on the bed. There are lots of sensory items that might be more appealing to him than climbing into the baby's crib or running around the house.

If he's climbing into the baby's crib because of the baby, keep them on different schedules so the baby isn't a distraction.

wantavaca

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 9:35 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

If threatening a potch works, do what works.

I would sooner suggest a bear hug adhd kids as it is get too much negative attention for their own good.
wrap yourself around him and tell him as soon as hes ready to calm down and do xyz, you will let go.
I did this with my son and he hated feeling claustrophobic so eventually he started cooperating.
also, set yourself up for success by creating a lot of structure and praising and encouraging and noticing when he IS on task.

amother

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 9:53 pm

wantavaca wrote:

I like the bear hug idea. And yes he definitely does get a lot of negative attention because of his behaviors which is why I’m also constantly constantly praising him for good behavior etc

imasinger

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 10:07 pm

One thing that helped us through those years was trying several strategies at a time. For instance, dancing around to lively music, immediately followed by bear hug or piggyback, then story with a chewing fidget, etc.

For the bath issue, you might try starting smaller. Can he behave in the bath for 30 seconds? Reward him and take him out. After 3 days, up it to 1 minute, continue building gradually.

If he is likely to bounce off the walls, try making him an obstacle course in the bedroom. Review rules before, during, and after, praise and reward success.

You can try catching him at a more functional time and seeing if he's self aware enough to tell you what he likes best at bedtime.

You can also try giving him a high interest activity while you get his younger siblings down, then give him undivided attention.

amother

Bone

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 10:14 pm

Hi! I have a daughter with adhd, and while her symptoms are different, I can totally relate. I'm also a behavior therapist, so I feel even more awful when I use non-tgerapy approved methods.

1. Sometimes you need to do what works. However, threatening on a daily basis is going to be bad for your relationship (sorry for saying this, I know you know it already and don't need any more guilt). Save this tool as your nuclear bomb for dire emergencies.

2. You need more help. Can you try to get a mother's helper (paid or chesed) at least some afternoons? There is no way that you alone can meet this child's needs along with everyone else's.

3. Some adhd kids need intense firmness and structure, with absolutely no wiggle room. Think boot camp. Have you tried making a very tight and consistent evening schedule, with absolutely no leniency? It is very hard at the beginning, but once established, can be your ticket to sanity. After a few consistent weeks, your son should be able to handle some flexibility because he will have the security of the routine. You won't be able to get this started, though, if you're on your own and there are other kids.

Basically, start by mapping out the evening into 15 minute increments. Then, decide on the expectations for each activity (e.g. 15 minute bath, no splashing, stay in bath the entire time. Go straight from bath to brush teeth, only one small drink to rinse mouth. Straight from bathroom to bedroom to put on pjs, choose from the two options mommy offers, or no choice at all. Lay in bed for 5 minutes of quiet time while mommy reads story and says shema. Door stays open a specific amount of "crack" and there is no coming out, no calling from bed, etc.). You need to enforce each step very very firmly with a no-nonsense tone of voice, minimal but specific words, and no nonsense eye contact. Balance this out by being very warm and loving at other times of the day, and by providing praise for following the routine.

4. Have you tried working with an OT? There are so many sensory supports available to teach your child to manage his energy, but you need a professional to guide you as to what's best for your son.

amother

Mistyrose

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 10:42 pm

Give yourself a lot of credit for staying cool most of the day. My 6 year old is like this, and it can feel really lonely sometimes!! Age 4-5 was the worst! In addition to davening, we worked really hard on regulation with him. We are slowly seeing improvement BH!!! Like he will at times self regulate. His older sisters hated bringing friends bec he would be so wild and hit and throw things at their friends. I can now stop him and relegate him whereas a year ago I could not at all! I also have lots of other kids. We do really little screen time in general, but this child gets way more just to stay sane. I set him up to watch something in bed while I tuck in everyone else. I come to take it away and if he comes out or is difficult, no sceen time the next night. I know screen's b4 bed are frowned upon, but it really helps mellow him, and is a great incentive. Wishing you tremendous hatzlacha...from a fellow sister in the trenches!

amother

Turquoise

Sat, Mar 04 2023, 11:00 pm

How about Exercise before bedtime? Put on music and have dance or do laps, jumping jacks, aerobics, a walk or run around the block with you outdoors? It sounds like he is restless and has a lot of energy to burn. Maybe do less baths 2-3 times a week in the winter might be enough. You can put magnesium or calming salts in the baths as well. See if that works. Create a checklist of what needs to be done before bed and when he does everything and is in his bed, he can have a reward, a snack or audio book/ music on condition that he stays in the room or even a small prize the next morning for going to bed and staying there.