Anyone else bothered by the “theme” trend?

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:46 pm

I do not in any way mean to offend anyone with this post and if going all out on purim is your thing and you enjoy it, you probably won’t relate or have anything to comment here. I feel like for myself, the first couple of years married with one or 2 very young kids, having a “theme” was a “cute” idea. But now, years later, with some not so young kids as well as very young kids, I’m finding myself going along with the “family theme” idea in a very resentful kind of way. I work full time and have a child who is struggling in school so I am constantly busy with phone calls, research, tutoring search etc. and I feel like I am being forced by the pressure of “everyone does a theme” on purim idea which I do not even agree with. I do not feel that Hashem wants us to be spending hours and hours coordinating every member in the family to dress up according to a “family theme” where children often feel forced to dress up as something they would not have chosen on their own. I do not think that writing a long poem tying in a theme is impressive or proper use of our time. I do not think a person scores any more “points” in shamayim when their mm is gorgeous and labeled because the mitzvah is to give ONE person 2 foods. I am mostly annoyed with myself for feeling pressured and pulled in yet again to playing this “game” of tying in every food item to our “theme” instead of spending my time on so many more meaningful and more worthwhile pursuits.

chestnut

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:47 pm

Do you have teens to delegate this to?

amother

Gold

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:49 pm

Honestly I do a theme because that way I can send 2-3 foods without it looking skimpy.

amother

Peach

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:49 pm

I work full time. I am in my 40s and have married off a child. I do themes because I enjoy them. Period. I don’t have that many friends and literally no one would care if I gave wine and chocolate to people. No one. However I enjoy themes. And so I do them.

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:56 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Honestly I do a theme because that way I can send 2-3 foods without it looking skimpy.

Haha yes, that is my “excuse” for myself as well but it anyways ends up being way more work than I originally intended no matter how much I try to simplify. And then trying to get a family photo because of all the work that went into coordinating everyone is a whole other post…why am I not strong enough to stand up for what I believe in and NOT participate in this idea when I TRULY do not feel it adds any meaning to our Purim celebration and quite frankly, in my opinion, does the opposite…

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:57 pm

I enjoy themes, but I also have rules around them. Themes are opt-in. Only those who want it participate. Also, themes in my household are costume only. I'm fine with figuring out costumes, I'm not extending that to MM. No poems. No special matching MM, just a very simple boring grape juice bottle plus snack bag of something. I guess if someone else in my family wanted to try those things, they can make it happen, but they know better than to ask me to do it.

amother

Cinnamon

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:57 pm

OP, you absolutely do not have to do a theme! Nothing will happen if you don't.

I do themes because my kids ask. Last year, and this year, I said no more because I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with other things, but they begged. They are teens and tweens.

Family activities are important for fostering a feeling of togetherness and a feeling of family unity and creating memories. If my teenagers are not so embarrassed of me at this point, or each other, that they still want to do this, I decided that I will b"n continue to do it as long as they ask.

amother

Snowflake

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:57 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Honestly I do a theme because that way I can send 2-3 foods without it looking skimpy.

Yes. This is why I always did themes as well.

Also I enjoy it. It’s not a pressure for me at all.

giftedmom

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:58 pm

Who’s forcing you? Whoever is putting the pressure should take care of it. And if the answer is the neighbors then….

amother

Starflower

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:59 pm

It's not a pressure in my community. I enjoy seeing the families doing themes, but it's not something I care enough about to do it myself.

amother

Chestnut

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 5:59 pm

I don't care what my kids dress up as, but my older girls come up with a theme and take care of it. This year my son only wants to be a police so they found a way to incorporate it in to the theme. They think of themes for next purim already a day after purim.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:00 pm

I think themes are stupid and don’t do them.
I don’t read the stupid poems people send either.
But if it makes them happy, do a theme. If it makes you unhappy,
Don’t do it.

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:03 pm

chestnut wrote:

Do you have teens to delegate this to?

No teens yet, but I honestly do not even want my kids being raised to think that a “theme” is necessary either. For those asking who’s pressuring me, the fact that I do not think I even know anyone my age or around my age who does NOT do a theme IS what’s pressuring me. It’s almost become “Halacha” where I live!

giftedmom

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

You’re pressuring yourself then. So you deserve the work lol. Seriously if you hate it and your kids don’t care then just stop.

amother

Stone

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did a theme this year first year every and let me tell you it's the first year I'm ready early. Spent $70 and no headache. It's my best Purim ever. It's not gorgeous at all, just plain, with two things, but because it's a theme just simplified it

little neshamala

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

You need to learn to just "do you" and be more confident in yourself. Im saying this kindly, because I really think it will help you so much in the long run, as various situations similar to this will inevitably pop up. Think making bar mitzvahs, weddings etc...

Our Rav once gave a shiur, and in it he mentioned that he doesnt sign his name on takkanah campaigns that ask the public to "only do xyz" when making a simcha etc. (And this Rav makes simple simchas). His reasoning was that in the times of the Bais Hamikdash, people did not all give the same type of bikurrim. The simpler people gave simpler bikurim in nice woven baskets, and the wealthier people gave bikurim in elaborate baskets of gold etc. Everyone just did their own thing. There is no need to apply an equalizer. But there is a great need to learn how to feel confident in what you are deciding to do.
Technically, we might be able to get someone to wave a magic wand and eliminate all themes for Purim, and you would have an easier time. But you would still have the same dillema when you are faced with throwing your child a birthday party, or an upsherin, or your mid winter break plans, summer vacation, bar mitzvahs, which car you drive, making a vort, a wedding, which shaitel you wear, which clothes and shoes your children wear etc etc etc etc.

I seriously suggest instead that you exercise your inner confidence. Pick a small issue that you were about to go along with even though you'd rather not, and instead do it your way. Tell yourself youre doing it this way because you want to. There is no pressure. There is NO pressure. Observe the reaction around you after youve done it your way-and realize that nothing bad happened. Allow yourself to feel the happiness of your success. And keep going. It will liberate you in a much better way than any other equalizing force ever can.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:08 pm

You do you. I do a theme because the kids like it. No poem. Mm is cheap and easy...prob about $1.50 each because it goes with the theme. Costumes aren't more expensive this way either.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:09 pm

I love doing themes. It just makes it easier for me. But if I didn’t I wouldn’t do it. You need to do what’s good for you and not be so affected by what those around you do.

amother

Freesia

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:09 pm

We did no themes growing up. I am doing no themes now either.
I chose a costume for my toddlers based on what I was able to borrow. Moms box, siblings etc.
This year my child chose something, I said great and went to match the baby to that. I saw a cute classy idea in one of the magazines and incorporated that for my mm. Done. No hastle and no obsessing.

amother

Sun, Mar 05 2023, 6:09 pm

amother Ballota wrote:

I think themes are stupid and don’t do them.
I don’t read the stupid poems people send either.
But if it makes them happy, do a theme. If it makes you unhappy,
Don’t do it.

I completely agree with you. I do not read anyone else’s poem either. And my kids open everything so fast that I rarely even see a completed mm aside from our own. I agree with you, I should not do it because it doesnt make me happy at all. But I feel like a “loser” if I don’t “play the game.” My kids are all young enough to not care about whether we do a theme or not.