If you get, you give! Always!

amother

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 10:45 pm

If someone gives you MM you give them something back!! I don’t care if they aren’t on your list. It’s basic mentchlichkeit!!

I don’t care if you pick up 2 random foods from your table and hand them over without a bag. Just give something! Anything!

Never ever let someone leave emptyhanded.

I think that’s why the concept of giving money was invented. If you are accepting a delivery and are not expected to give anything then at least give a dollar or two. Give something!!

amother

Candycane

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 10:52 pm

Purim gelt is a 'tip' to the delivery boy. Its not an exchange.

I would totally not want random things from your table. I came to drop off my package, not receive something from you.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 10:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Omg , I think we are getting the message wrong . The obligation was to give not to expect and receive...
Most people out of shame feel they should reciprocate and give back which is a good thing but if someone doesn't have then it's not the end of the world.. the point here is to make friendship not exchange prizes.. if you truly Love your friend you give without intention specificly to receive (you can hope you will get back)
I have Russian neighbors who are barely frum (I am not picking on Russians here as it can be anyone) and I give them... Definitely don't expect anything back..

BrisketBoss

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 10:59 pm

I strongly disagree and will say so under my username. The mitzvah is to give. We give because we are joyful and celebrating. We don't expect anything in return. If I give you an MM please don't feel pressured that you need to give me something too. You may feel awkward but I do not.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:05 pm

For the sake of our holy Purim and that everyone be happy on this holy day I am asking everyone be sensitive whatever you reply...
Don't know why but my gut tells me it could chv end up like the other "difficult" thread last week which I don't want it to.. (the op writing was similar)

BrisketBoss

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:08 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

It’s basic curtesy if someone wants to give you and it’s a friend or wannabe a friend it’s just polite not to just ignore their friendly gift.

Who said anything about ignore? Be a normal person and say thank you. No one should feel obligated that because someone gave them a gift, they must give them something comparable immediately.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:19 pm

I think that so long as you graciously and vocally acknowledge and appreciate the mm and the gesture of friendship behind it, you don't necessarily need to reciprocate. To me, mm is all about reciprocating the "ahava v'reus" and not necessarily the "manos". (I'm not a halachic authority, so I might be wrong.)

I don't know anybody who would be offended if the recipient exclaimed joyfully, "Thank you so much for coming! You've made my Purim by stopping by! I really appreciate this, what a beautiful mm! It means so much to me that you came!" And did not give anything back. Only exception might be a little kid who was hoping for more candy, but everyone on this site is well past that age and stage!

OTOH, if the recipient shoves together two random items and barely says hello, someone might feel dumb for making the effort to come.

oakandfig19

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:32 pm

Personally I would find it much more awkward to leave them at the door while I create a new mishloach manot than to express sincere gratitude and apologize that I ran out. What’s with the weird expectation, it’s not an exchange. The mitzvah is literally to give two.

essie14

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:40 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I agree completely. I do not care one bit to receive back. The mitzvah is to give. And I teach my DD the same thing. She loves to give. We have plenty of nosh at home. She doesn't need to receive from every friend she gives to.

amother

Maple

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:54 pm

I so strongly disagree. On Purim, we give, giving doesn't depend on what is received. Giving and receiving are two totally unconnected things. You don't give based on who you get from and you shouldn't get based on who you give to. I do not give everyone who comes to the door and I really don't see why I would.

chestnut

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:02 am

While I hear that a kid might be disappointed if he/she didn't get anything in return (so yes, throwing something together should be done) or an adult who barely has friends or is new to the neighborhood will be also disappointed, people shouldn't feel pressured to give something back if they ran out.

amother

Clear

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:04 am

From what I’m gathering from all these threads, there’s basically three categories of people who people give MM to. They give to people who they have overall a real relationship with in some way, and if it’s a casual connection it’s someone they still feel there’s some reason davka to put them on the list. The second category is rabbanim and the like who nobody expects to get a real MM back from. The third category is to put it bluntly “chessed cases”.

If someone shows up at your door for the first category, by not returning one you are implying that they misjudged the relationship and you don’t consider the relationship to be as close as they do. That’s at worst hurtful and at best a socially unaware thing to do.

I do think that slapping something together in front of their face is just as bad, arguably worse than just saying a nice thank you. What I personally do is always try to have extras, if I see my supply of extras is dwindling I’ll put a few more together (recycled) without any witnesses.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:08 am

I don't think anyone should be insulted that they didn't make it onto someone else's shalach manos list. There are people that literally give two. There are people whose husbands went shopping and didn't buy enough. There are people who don't think they'll be able to run around town and don't expect you to, either. There are so many possibilities. It's not like wedding invitations; the mitzvah is to give two and that's it. There is no obligation whatsoever to give to everyone you consider a friend.

mommyla

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:11 am

oakandfig19 wrote:

Pretty sure it’s just 1 Very Happy

amother

Cerise

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:14 am

mommyla wrote:

Pretty sure it’s just 1 Very Happy

Very possibly Very Happy

I would have to look it up. But not 30-100, either way.

ETA I thought you were responding to me but you weren't

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:14 am

Sometimes people give us when we're not home and don't have shalach manos on us. People that we don't expect to get from them. So we don't have what to give back. I don't think it's a must to give back. We shouldn't give for the sake of getting back.

amother

Clear

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:23 am

amother Bellflower wrote:

Two points here. One is that when we go out we always make sure to bring a couple of extras along for that. Two is that people keep lecturing about how tis better to give than to receive, which is all well and good, but we’re talking here about a situation where you are the recipient and not the giver, and as the recipient it’s not your place to say that.