Am I the only one who dreads Jewish holidays?

amother

Mon, Mar 06 2023, 11:45 pm

There. I said it.
There’s so much preparation and work that goes into it and of course the woman is responsible for most of it. It’s so exciting for the men cuz all they have to do is go to shul and maybe to parties while we stay home to prepare mishloach manos and cook for the meal and watch the kids who ofc can’t sleep because of the blasting music outside.
Technically, I can go out also if I wanna take care of cranky, crying, overtired kids.
Ofc there is the option of telling my husband he has to stay home to help instead of going to the party, but what’s the point of having two miserable people at home when you only need one?
Ok rant over thanks for listening
PS. This applies to every yom Tov not just Purim. Why is every yom Tov based around the men going to shul multiple times a day and the woman staying home to take care of the kids and cook and clean…

amother

Skyblue

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 12:56 am

There are some years when I feel/felt this way, I think mainly when I had little kids and the brunt of childcare fell on me. Cooking I can handle, lol.

All I can say OP - some years are very, very hard. And it feels very unfair that Purim, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Simchas Torah, Shavuos, pretty much everything - there is no flexibility for the woman. It's very male-centric.

But I bless you that you should get to the stage where you can feel the spirituality wherever you are on YT, and not feel resentful. May you see much nachas from the children you are raising even when it isn't easy. And remember that one day they won't take up this much energy from you, this is a stage that passes.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:01 am

Purim I like because a lot of rules can fall away, so childcare is not so stressful. I try to get more silly, I say yes to nosh and most other treats, I feel like it's a happy chaos anyhow so the house can be messy and it's not a problem.

It's hard if you feel you're missing out on things though. Can you make a special thing that you do, that DH will cover for you for? That way you have something to look forward to. I would want DH to watch the kids for an hour and give me full space to daven, read, and start on the chocolate stash.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:04 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Sorry you feel this way.

I enjoy cooking fancy for Yom tov

And getting compliments and seeing everyone
Enjoy what I prepared.

Yes. It is the woman who makes Yom Tov happen.

Not all women love to cook let alone enjoy the pressure of needing to cook “fancy” in fact, this added pressure is in part why many of us don’t like Yom Tov.

Alternative

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:11 am

amother Ecru wrote:

Not all women love to cook let alone enjoy the pressure of needing to cook “fancy” in fact, this added pressure is in part why many of us don’t like Yom Tov.

I don’t enjoy cooking at all. My dh really does. He does the brunt of the cooking for holidays, I do more basics. We usually cook it all before yom tov.
There is no need for a woman to slave in the kitchen while her dh is at shul. Cook together beforehand.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:13 am

amother Ecru wrote:

Not all women love to cook let alone enjoy the pressure of needing to cook “fancy” in fact, this added pressure is in part why many of us don’t like Yom Tov.

I don't cook fancy, but I do enjoy cooking something different on Yom Tov! I have a few easy recipes that I save for Yom Tov so it will be special. Some of them call for ingredients that I usually consider too expensive to eat on a regular weekday or Shabbos.

I think it's important to find what works for you so that you don't dread Yom Tov.

The Torah suggests a few things, like new jewelry and clothing. If those are not enough to make Yom Tov anticipated, think further. A babysitter? A new book? Takeout food? Nice paper goods? There's usually something that can be done.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:25 am

The holidays are a lot of work. My biggest challenges are basically financial - I do everything myself, have no outside help and deal with the constant stress of how much everything costs. I like to do things stylishly- but definitely not over the top- within my budget and that takes quite a bit of mental and physical effort. Even though my kids are grown and I no longer have child care issues, hosting marrieds and grandchildren is a big job. And somehow, despite all this, I look forward to every yomtov, just like I did as a little girl. Having my family around me and celebrating and worshipping together, is the ultimate reward. I know it sounds cliché, but this is how I really feel.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Op, change tour reality.
And no, not every woman hates every chag.
Here, my husband and I do preparation for chagim together.
And no, its not only the man who goes to ahul and to parties.
Gosh, where I live there actually is a women's purim chagigah.
If you arent happy with how things are, change things.
It doesnt have to be that way.
Why cant husbands also help prepare for any chag? They are able people, right?

amother

Yolk

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:30 am

You're right.The systems are structured for men and don't take family life into account. You know the old joke - Yaakov Avinu looked around at his family of 12 children and instituted maariv as a way to avoid bedtime.

You don't have to go along with it, though.

First, start going to shul every shabbos. News flash, you're Jewish too. If you can't bring kids, then look for an early minyan, and either you or your husband can go to that one and you can switch off.

Second, reach out to others in your stage of life. Share meals on shabbos and yom tov, so you're not doing all the work yourself.

Third, make time for yourself. Get out of the house, take a walk, go to a shiur, whatever, every shabbos. That's time for you to be with adults, or to be alone, whichever you need. (I would suggest curling up in your room with a book if you think the kids will leave you alone.)

And finally, know that children aren't young forever.

amother

Ecru

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:35 am

amother Bellflower wrote:

Buying new things doesn’t make the stuff about Yom Tov a person dislikes easier. If I buy something, the noise doesn’t magically disappear and the food doesn’t magically cook itself! Most Yom Tovim are set up well for extroverts but not those of us who can’t bear extraneous socialization.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 1:56 am

amother Ecru wrote:

I'm an introvert also.

If you can't handle too much socialization, why not accommodate yourself? Hachnosas Orchim is a mitzvah, but maybe it's not your mitzvah. Have shorter meals if that will be easier for you. If you don't want to go to shul, have DH take the kids to the park for an hour in the afternoon to give you time to daven.

Your Yom Tov does not have to follow anyone else's pattern. Hashem gives some ground rules, but there's a lot of flexibility within that.

Let's take an example Purim schedule:

Purim night, DH goes to shul with the older kids, mommy stays home with the younger ones, feeds them and puts them to bed. When he gets back, he puts the older kids to bed while Mommy relaxes. Then a bochur comes over and does a private Megillah reading in the house for her.

In the morning, DH goes to an early minyan. When he gets back, he takes over for two hours while mommy goes to catch a later Megillah reading, daven, and have some breathing space.

They deliver Shalach Manos to everyone on their block, then DH takes the younger kids plus one older one in the car to bring Shalach Manos to some of the teachers. Any other "obligatory" Shalach Manos was shipped, dropped off early, or will be given late in school.

Mommy uses the quieter time to finish preps for the seudah and read.

Then the family has a nice quiet Seudah at home. Afterwards, DH goes for "his" Purim party, returning late at night.

amother

Viola

Tue, Mar 07 2023, 2:14 am

Am I the only one who loves loves loves Purim?

Yes, I’m exhausted from too many late nights, yes costume and shalach manos prep is coming out of my ears, yes my kids are already hyped up on sugar and way overtired, but I’m loving every minute. The lack of inhibition on this day, the freedom to act as silly as you’d like, the adorable and incredibly creative costumes and themes and home decor you see all day, the shared happiness in the streets (yes, even in the crawling traffic), the way the kids look forward to this all year and are beyond excited, the awesome generosity that goes on and on and on, the stunning story of the Megillah that never fails to inspire…there’s so much to love about Purim!

And I promise I’m not an overly positive person at all. It’s just Purim.

And yes it’s crazy and hectic and sometimes insane but all of that is only for one day. Maybe two. But the memories your kids are making will last forever.