Making bar mitzvah in my home -- advice?

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following Log in

Join Now

| | | | |

1, 2 Next

Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 10:36 am

So due to inflation and some other issues, we're planning to have our bar mitzvah in our house rather than at a shul/other location. In the past, we've had waiters, etc. and hired someone to set up and clean up, supply all the paper goods and everything else... This time we won't be doing that.

I need advice on how to make this work. It will be a squeeze, but we can manage with the room we have. We plan on ordering some of the food and making some of the rest. But I feel like I'm going to forget so much. I need paper goods -- no idea where to buy those from. I need serving pieces and platters and things, I guess I have to figure out what we're serving first and buy accordingly. I have no idea how we're going to warm up all the food. I guess buy another plata or something? And I'm sure there are other details I'm not thinking of...

Anyone done this before who can share their experience with me? We'll be having around 40 people, iy'H, so it's not small but not crazy large either. Our living room/dining room will be crammed with people and tables. Hopefully most of the kids will end up downstairs in the basement playing most of the time. I don't know if a kids' table in the kitchen will work, since parents will have to run back and forth to it as needed, and it won't be easy for them to get in and out with all those people.

I just can't wrap my mind around how this will work, for three whole meals! I guess it will, though.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 10:49 am

Take as much of your furniture out of the eating areas as possible. If there’s any way to move your couches, side/coffee tables etc to the basement or even outside on a deck if it’s decent weather do it. We take our dining room table out also but even taking leaves out of the dining room table to make more room for folding tables can give a lot of extra space.

amother

Blue

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 10:55 am

You can buy paper goods online. Places will be having sales now.

Get a cleaning lady or waiter to help.

Definitely set up a table for kids. Or teens

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:06 pm

amother Blue wrote:

You can buy paper goods online. Places will be having sales now.

Get a cleaning lady or waiter to help.

Definitely set up a table for kids. Or teens

Thanks. My husband is convinced that there's no reason to hire a waiter, since it's all close family and people will step up to help serve. (Almost none of the adults have little kids at this point.) I feel strange assuming that, but it would be so helpful to save on that money...and I don't love the idea of having a waiter in my kitchen anyway...thoughts?

amother

Green

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Honestly this sounds like a bad idea. You can rent a place for very cheap and do the rest yourselF if you choose but I wouldn’t cram people into my house if it’ll be tight. Sounds like too much stress and won’t be comfortable.

amother

Petunia

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:24 pm

Ive done it
Waiter: you know your crowd, are the type to help, are they the type to resent helping?
Food: easy menu, that does not need much time plating.
Entree and dessert should be wow! the rest simple and nice
Tablecloths: get really pretty ones from a gemach this way you could go cheaper with the paper Goods
Kids: I only invited age 12 and up so you don't have to worry about little kids running around

amother

Holly

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:25 pm

Do sternos and buffet style. Let everyone serve themselves. Amazing savings is great for paper goods and serving pieces.

amother

NeonYellow

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:27 pm

My mil makes simchas in her house without a waiter and all the women end up in the kitchen serving and cleaning the entire time.
Unless you’re doing buffet style, you need a waiter.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 3:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

You’re going to need their help even with a waiter but it will be way more pleasant for your guests if there’s at least one dedicated person to serve and clean.
I’m not sure what the concern with your kitchen would be if you’re all home and coming in and out. Do you ever have a cleaning lady in your kitchen? If yes could you see if she would be willing to come. Can also come out cheaper that way.

mikayla18

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 4:00 pm

Get a waiter so you and your guests enjoy your Simcha. Get tablecloths from a gemach and see if you can get nice centerpieces even balloons to make the room look nice

amother

Blue

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 4:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you have a regular cleaning lady I would hire her. Ask her to wear black pants and white T-shirt. To help plate or serve.

Ask a sis or sil beforehand if they can help serve.
I wouldn’t assume ppl will help serve (unless you know your family is the type)

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 4:20 pm

Can you find a couple of yeshiva bochurim or high school girls that would be happy to wait for you in exchange for a small wage? Have you any family friends that you could possibly ask to help out? Again this doesn't have to be for free.
From experience, not having anyone to help means you're constantly going backwards and forwards to the kitchen, checking on the food, plating it, serving it, clearing up and always tense about what needs to happen next. You can't really sit down and enjoy the simcha. I would make simpler cheaper food over not getting someone to help out.
It is harder in your own home as you have to deal with the setting up, the clearing up and the general mess and squashiness. Otoh it does make it more of a family event and more intimate than having it in a hall. I would check out though small halls for pricing because sometimes they aren't so expensive. We have a couple of shuls that have small function rooms for hire that aren't so expensive as they're small and more faded decor etc.
I would also be checking out what gemachim are in your area. We are lucky in that we have some really great ones. I've gotten nice tablecloths, centerpieces, extra tables and chairs, most of which are at very cheap prices or free to borrow.
How many of your 40 are children or teens? Again ime most teens resent being told to go to the children's table and would want to be part of the adults action. I don't know if you're doing this in the week or on shabbos, but most people I know limit the evening seuda to children over a certain age, whether it's 5, 7, 10 or whatever works for them. That doesn't work when you do a shabbos event as it's not really fair to ban children.
Another option which isn't always so cheap is hiring a marquee if your yard is large enough for it.

amother

Narcissus

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 4:56 pm

I just made a large Purim seuda in my house that was pretty tight. If space is tight then you can't do buffet because people need room to get up sit down, walk around and wit by the buffet.
I did not have a waiter, I had 2 SILS who came into the kitchen to help me serve and I did not sit down for longer than 8 minutes the whole meal. I would never do that for my son's bar mitzvah. It's your simcha and you will be a shmatta without a waiter (or hired help to do the serving).

Highstrung

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 5:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I made a couple of bar mitzvahs on my home and I have one regret . I didn’t hire waiters . I was not a participant at my own childrens bar mitzvah because I was busy plating food , and DH at times too, even while some guests helped with serving . I only got to sit and join my guests after dessert was served .

Second one I did buffet style so that was easier .

DVOM

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 5:30 pm

An alternative to buffet or plated food is to serve family style. For a recent Shabbos where we hosted about 45 people, I bought gold 9*13 pan holders from Amazing Savings, put each pan of food into one, and brought it to the table. No plating, no serving dishes, no dishing up food. Just stich the pan from the oven into the holder, put in a serving utensils, bring it out. I still needed sisters/sister in laws help in the kitchen, but it served up the food neatly and quickly. I don't know if you'd consider this fancy enough for a bar mitzvah. We're not very fancy or formal people, so we'd definitely do it again.

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 7:50 pm

DVOM wrote:

Yes, this is what I'm thinking about doing. We are definitely not fancy people, and I'm not looking to impress. This is on Shabbos, and it's essentially just a way of offering meals to out of town guests (and in-town guests too, so that they're not excluded) so that they can come and hear my son lein and be here for the simcha.

For those of you who said you were in the kitchen the entire time -- were you busy plating things? Or were dishes served family style? Would family-style have resolved some of your issues?

In my mind, it's just a VERY big Shabbos meal. I'd say about half adults (or a bit more), less than a quarter teens, a quarter kids 12 and under (mostly 5-12).

Going to look into Sternos. I am really oblivious...haven't really been to any simchas like this...

amother

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 7:53 pm

Also, how crazy was it to run around to gemachs right before the bar mitzvah? Trying to simplify things, just feel like running to pick up the tablecloths, pick up the centerpieces (do we really need these?), pick up serving pieces, etc. would be a LOT. I have younger kids at home I'd have to shlep with me, I work, and it just seems like I could lay out my regular Shabbos tablecloths and be done with it. I don't think my 13 year old would notice? Unless maybe it won't feel special to him like that?
He's a boy -- would he really care??

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 7:55 pm

DVOM wrote:

Did you have big tables? The standard folding tables are so narrow I find family style doesn’t work well for me since there’s so little room on the table for serving dishes.

Highstrung

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 7:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I did a Shabbos bar mitzvah too at home and it was like you describe. A Shabbos meal with tons of guests. Even with serving on platters, I spent lots of time in the kitchen preparing the platters and packing away afterward. It was still a beautiful simcha

amother

Chambray

Sun, Mar 12 2023, 7:58 pm

My parents made all the simchas in their house and I plan the same. If buffet style then no waiters but definitely cleaning help all shabbos. My parents used china always so we needed someone to wash dishes.
My son's bar mitzvah is next year. I am planning a tent for meals and kiddush. waiters to setup and serve.
I cook mostly, love making centerpieces, and hostess gifts and all the fun stuff so will do it myself.

Page 1 of 2

1, 2 Next