Do your kids stand up for you/do you stand for your parents?

amother

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:13 pm

As I understand it, one of the basic examples given for kibbud av v'em is to stand up when a parent walks into the room, yet I almost never see this in practice. Do your kids stand up for you and DH, and by extension, do you stand up for your parents? If not, why not?

fbc

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:15 pm

When we learned about it, and stood up for my father that first time, he forbade us from ever doing it again cuz it bothers him so much. He doesn't like that kind of attention.

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:20 pm

Same with my parents. They told us to please not do it. So we didnt. And I would not want my child to honor me in that way either. There are so many other ways to honor a parent.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:20 pm

Dare I say, I don't think these days proper Kavod is shown by standing up for a parent. I call my parents several times a week. I always try to go out of my way to make them happy. That's Kavod. Standing up these days is a formality.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:22 pm

No. Most parents request that their children not do it. There are plenty of ways to honor your parents.

fbc

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:27 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Was thinking this as well.

mha3484

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:33 pm

No but my kids do ask my husband before they sit in his chair I think that is nice without being over the top.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 12:39 pm

My kids get up to greet my husband or myself when we come in to the house, but not every time him or myself walk in to a room.

Hello99

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 1:53 pm

It's not done at my parent's house. My husband and his siblings do stand up for my FIL. Not every time he enters a room only when he comes home from shul or work.

amother

Melon

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 1:56 pm

One of my children stands up every time a parent walks in.
Dc has beautiful middos.Dc
I told dc that they don't have to, twice a day is fine. But they do

amother

Skyblue

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 2:11 pm

Not really. I am strict on them not sitting in our places at the table without our permission. If they ever asked to sit in my place, I wouldn't unreasonably withhold that permission.

Rappel

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 2:15 pm

I stood up for my parents when they entered a room, and remained standing until I received permission to sit. This continued until I grew into adulthood.

I haven't taught my children this idea. Is it firm halacha?

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 2:46 pm

And here I thought my dad was the only parent who said this. We also didn't make our kids stand for us--it's rather disruptive, seeing as how we go in and out of rooms all the time, and anyway at what point do you introduce this? When the kid is old enough to stand on his own? Walk? Starting school? Just seems overly formal with someone who changed your diapers.

amother

Aster

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 2:51 pm

Rappel wrote:

Yes it is and to the best of my knowledge is quoted in the mishna berura. Parents are always permitted to be mochel (lenient) on their kavod, so that is probably why it isn't widely practiced.

When I lived with my parents when single, I did not do it often. Now that I'm married, I do so to the best of my ability. My husband and I haven't done this in our house simply because our kids are too young, but we plan to introduce the concept when the kids are at an appropriate age and stage. I believe it creates a beautiful atmosphere of respect in a close relationship and is ultimately the Torah way.

Other halachos off the top of my head: it is forbidden to sit in a parents' designated seat (at home or other locations) without express permission. It is forbidden to call a parent by their given name (even after death), and if referring to them by name, must always be done with a title or honorific, even within conversation (e.g. my father is Mr Firstname). It is also forbidden to directly contradict a parent, even when they are wrong (respectfully stating your own opinion or asking parents a question is permitted).

Note that none of these are stringencies. If any make you feel uncomfortable, you can excuse your kids. But you cannot excuse yourself from your own obligations to your parents. If you have very challenging parents, AYLOR for a hetter.

In high school we spent several weeks learning this topic. Fascinating and super important, as it is not widely known but so practical for daily life!

amother

Apple

Mon, Mar 13 2023, 3:32 pm

Yes we always stood up when my parents walked into the house, but not every time they entered the room.
And my kids do the same for us.
It's halacha, according to what we were taught.