Work at home frustration

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Forum -> Working Women -> Work at Home Mothers

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amother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 5:37 pm

I work from home. My husband learns and picks up the kids at 2:00 (ages 4, 2, and 4 months). Officially he's then in charge of the kids until I finish work at 4. What ends up happening is that the kids drift over to me and constantly distract me from my work (which requires a high level of concentration). If I lock myself in my room, they're pounding on the door. Also, when I worked in the office, we traded off staying home with the sick kids. Since I started working from home, even if my husband stays home, somehow taking care of the sick kids ends up on me. My husband maintains that kids don't need attention every second and I need to learn to ignore them. I'm ready to tear my hair out after a particularly frustrating day in which I was not able to complete my work and now feel that I really "should" put in some more time tonight ((also I am hourly and feel guilty billing for hours in which I did not give my full concentration). What should I do? The company is no longer offering me the option of working in office, plus with Lakewood traffic getting to an office would shave too much time off my workday.

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 5:51 pm

First, what is your husband doing while the kids are banging on your door? Is he trying to engage with them or is he ignoring them and expecting you to do the same? Does he has any other tasks he’s trying to complete during that time (ie cooking, cleaning, etc) or is he just reading a book/scrolling his phone/treating it as his break?

Second, would you be willing to work at a cafe or shared office space during those last hours? Or if you’re hourly and can work at night to make it up, does it make sense for you to end work when the kids come home and resume after bedtime?

If he’s not willing to work with you to keep the kids from bothering you, you need to either make yourself completely unavailable or fully available

tichellady

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 5:56 pm

I think you need a co working space to work at. it's too hard to work from home with kids. you are not alone

amother

Chestnut

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:04 pm

What frum co-working spaces are there in Lkwd area?

amother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:08 pm

I think you're right. But, when I worked in the office I too often came home to 2 screaming hungry kids with dirty diapers...my husband sits and uses his phone and believes the kids should be occupying thenselves.
And working at night would be a fast track to resentment for me because I am tired and need my little bit of downtime, especially since my baby still wakes up unpredictably.

AlwaysGrateful

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:17 pm

Close the door. Let them bang. Wear earplugs.

Kid problem solved.

Then comes the communication problem with your husband...which this will not solve. Especially if he leaves them in soggy diapers. Time to really talk to him.

amother

Snowflake

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:19 pm

Send your kids to a babysitter until 4:00, there are clubs that your husband an drop the kids off after playgroup.

amother

Mocha

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:22 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

Send your kids to a babysitter until 4:00, there are clubs that your husband an drop the kids off after playgroup.

Spend a fortune of money because the father is too lazy to pull his weight? No go.

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is a bit more of a husband problem than a working problem. Have you ever had a calm conversation about this where you can reach a middle ground? Maybe make it about limiting tech usage in front of the kids as that’s a hot topic right now. Or set up specific activities that you’d like him to do with them. Some men are less intuitive about how to entertain kids and literally need to be given step by step instructions

amother

Maize

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:35 pm

OMG. If he thinks what he is doing is parenting and won't modulate or otherwise get a job or jobs such that you don't have to work, throw all the tomatoes anyone wants, but I personally wouldn't willingly get pregnant with another child anytime soon.

That said, can you simply tell him both ahead of time and in situ, I cannot work with x y z. "but just ignore them" then rinse and repeat, I cannot work with x, y, z. "That's not normal" Maybe not but I still can't work with x y z.

My priority would be getting my work done in that moment and not if he decides he agrees with me etc. He can think whatever at that point, but I need to work.

amother

Garnet

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:38 pm

Is he cheap? I would threaten to send them to a babysitter in the afternoons if they're not well cared for. That would work on some husbands.

amother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:45 pm

I'm the cheap one lol.
But maybe it would pay itself back in increased work productivity...

momallhours

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 6:58 pm

2 points here; first you and your husband have to sit down and have a non-confrontational discussion about the afternoon hours and what you BOTH can do to make it work. Ex you can prepare a snack for them to eat when they come home, buy special coloring books, husband has to be present and engaged...

Second thinking if this would be me it would be virtually impossible to stay locked in my room for a full 2 hours with the kids home even if my husband would be home. Yes they come after mama!
So as other posters mentioned can you figure something out for those 2 hours? Do you live near a French Press or the library?

tichellady

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:03 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

What frum co-working spaces are there in Lkwd area?

why does it need to be frum? you just need a desk in a quiet space

amother

White

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm the cheap one lol.
But maybe it would pay itself back in increased work productivity...

I think it's time for your husband to get a full time job.

tichellady

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:10 pm

honestly, I don't think all people are cut out to watch a 4,2 and 2 month old for 2 hours every day with grace. I'm not. I would try not to be so critical of how he does it unless you really are concerned that the children are being neglected. in which case that is the bigger issue than the work from home issue

amother

Gray

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:14 pm

amother Chestnut wrote:

What frum co-working spaces are there in Lkwd area?

Gentech’s iCube, Cubicles, and Bitbean on Ave of the States.

ittsamother

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:55 pm

tichellady wrote:

I think the problem is that he's not doing it. He's busy on his phone, not keeping them occupied, and letting the kids just bang on her door or interrupt her work. This would not be ok with me. Man up and give two hours to your family and watch your kids well so your wife can bring in the $$.

amother

Garnet

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 7:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm the cheap one lol.
But maybe it would pay itself back in increased work productivity...

It probably would. Or, you could cut expenses on a thing he likes and put the money towards babysitting. When he asks why you're having fleishig only once a week (for example) tell him the money is going to pay an afternoon babysitter. It's a little passive aggressive, which is why you should only do it once you've tried to clearly discuss with him what needs to be done when watching the kids and you see that he's not making attempts to do it.

amother

DarkGray

Tue, Mar 14 2023, 8:03 pm

Your husband is learning all day but he's letting your kids sit in dirty diapers and cry from hunger? What does his learning do if hes not being a helpful father and understanding husband?
Maybe its time he reevaluate what it means to be zoche to sit in learning.
What is he doing on his phone?

Sorry to sound harsh!

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