My teens stay in their room all day

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:52 am

And literally never come out. Dd comes home from school runs upstairs changes comes down to eat supper and goes up for the night. She literally will only come out to use the bathroom or get food. She won’t ever just come down to hang out in the living room or kitchen. Now that Friday is longer I can’t have that. I find it to be so I healthy to b in your room for hours on end. She’s usually on her phone talking to her friends, practicing makeup or hair stuff, or watching something on Netflix. Yes her phone and laptop are heavily parental controlled. Any ideas how to get her to come down for few hours every day? I don’t want her upstairs all Friday afternoon. It’s a very long day.

amother

Cadetblue

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:13 am

That sounds fairly normal teen behaviour. My parents said that teens discovered the art of socialising when they wanted to borrow the car, and had to be on good terms with their parents.

You can try asking her to come and set the table for Shabbos, or do some other erev Shabbos job. Assuming that doesn't develop into an argument, it would get her out of her room for a while.

I can see why you would want her to spend more time with the family, but why do you think her room is unhealthy?

amother

Latte

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:45 am

What does she do on Shabbos?
Would she play board games with the family?

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:48 am

Normal

amother

Leaf

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:53 am

Why don't you tell her something? I told my son that he needs to be part of family life for an hour after supper. Problem solved.

giftedmom

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:57 am

Cut the WiFi

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 8:58 am

Normal normal normal behaviour
You may encourage being social with family.
Choose your battles wisely.

amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:01 am

I don’t think it’s healthy to sit in one room all night or all Shabbos and just pop out for food. Seems so depressing to stare at the same 4 walls all day. Dd is in 12 grade so I figured she would have grown out of this already. Is it normal for this age still?

amother

Yellow

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:02 am

Her room is too interesting. Maybe no laptop/ Netflix in her room? In my house rooms are for sleeping.

amother

Yellow

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Yeah at that age I don't know if you can implement rules. Would you explain to her that you want to see her more & maybe start a board game schedule or ask to clean the kitchen together, some routine that would require her presence. I don't think it's abnormal though, she's not sleeping she's on the phone etc.

rachelli66

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:15 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Normal normal normal behaviour
You may encourage being social with family.
Choose your battles wisely.

Wise advice. You can ask her if she wants to spend time.
pick your battles as said before.

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:18 am

Take away the phone
No laptop
No Netflix
My girls are in living room, dining room, kitchen, busy with friends, younger siblings, studying all evening till they go to sleep but they don’t have phones, laptops, Netflix.

We’re yeshivish Lakewood so never started with that stuff. Don’t know if u can stop it now in 12th grade

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:23 am

My first thought when I started reading this is that they must have smartphones and internet access. It’s very sad…
One teen of mine brought himself an iPhone… he lives in his room unless he needs something.
My other teen does not have a smartphone and spends most of her time downstairs interacting with us, talking to her friends on our house line, doing her homework…. Her room is for sleeping or getting ready for bed.
I blame the room hibernation on kids wanting to be alone with their phones or using internet. It becomes a habit to stay in the bedroom. My teen who lives in his room started going away for shabbos. He doesn’t know how to interact with us normally and just chill. Stupid, stupid internet-

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:24 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

I'm in Lakewood and DD doesn't have laptop, phone either....but it IS normal for teens to go to their rooms alot. DD reads in her room alot (she also reads on the couch in the living room, so she does spend time with her family. And we do shmooze, etc....) and she takes the phone in with her to shmooze with friends (I did that too as a teen, and I come from the prehistoric no cellphones age....I remember when we got cordless...)

I tell the girls (when they hit that teen hermit stage) that when Ta comes home, they should come down and say Hello. This gets them out of their cave once in a while, and gives them a healthy (IMVHO) break, plus it's basic Derech Eretz. And they see their father.

Sooner or later, it's back to their teen-hole.

ETA mealtimes are mealtimes, they eat supper together. If your teen just comes to get food, make it clear you expect her to sit with the family at meal times. Also, there's help times, and they stay around to do whatever it is that is needed (right now we spend some times doing a few kitchen cabinets for Pesach every night....)

Last edited by Chayalle on Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:31 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Eggshell

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:26 am

My teens have a lot of homework so they do stay a lot in their rooms after school otherwise the younger siblings wouldn't let them do a thing!

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:29 am

Chayalle wrote:

That’s nice- the coming down to say hi to totty

amother

Leaf

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:33 am

Mine don't have internet, a laptop, or movies, and they still like to be in their room.

amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:35 am

I absolutely hate the devices. We got them bc over covid the school only let the girls pass the classes if they zoomed. Then it became most reports and written school work has to be given in via email. When in the phone it’s mainly FaceTiming friends for hrs on end. I guess I’ll just keep encouraging coming out of the room and finding activities she enjoys and would want to spend few hrs with the fam!!

Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:36 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

I agree that laptop and netflix but the phone? I mean a simple flip phone IMHO should be OK. You don't allow that either?

amother

Nemesia

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:39 am

This is completely typical teenage behavior. Adolescence is developmentally when kids start to separate from parents but do it while still having the emotional safety of being in a home when they need more. I remember wondering why my brother became so obnoxious and wanted nothing to do with us and then a few years passed and I hit the teen years. LOL

I grew up before smart phones and I was in my room as well all night. I was doing homework and talking on the regular phone with my friends.

We did always have dinner together at the table so that was more than enough time.

Honestly I think my parents were happy to not have to deal with me as they read or pursued their own pursuits and just relaxed as well.

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