My teens stay in their room all day

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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Bnei Berak 10

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:41 am

amother Leaf wrote:

Mine don't have internet, a laptop, or movies, and they still like to be in their room.

ITA
But I come from a generation where a phone was plugged into the wall and also with a cord to the speaker. Each household had one phone line. Not more.

amother

cornflower

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 9:51 am

I also did as a kid. I was on the phone, or doing homework, or reading.

My mother was not a pleasant person to be around.

#BestBubby

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 10:16 am

OP, tell your teens that friends are important,

But family is even more important.

And schedule some family fun time, and chores.

Remind them they get free room and board cause
They are family,

So they should not treat their family like strangers.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 10:40 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t think it’s healthy to sit in one room all night or all Shabbos and just pop out for food. Seems so depressing to stare at the same 4 walls all day. Dd is in 12 grade so I figured she would have grown out of this already. Is it normal for this age still?

Yes. They want their own daled amos, literally and figuratively, and, as a result, it's very normal for them to literally stay in their daled amos.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 10:45 am

Normal and expected does not = ideal.
Balance is best.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 10:54 am

amother Leaf wrote:

Normal and expected does not = ideal.
Balance is best.

Sometimes, introverted kids have been extraverting all day at school, etc. or even just being in a busy family in the communal spaces that they need to alone time to recharge. That is balance and self regulation, and not indicative of a problem. It's actually very healthy to know when you need to recharge and how to recharge.

Introverted adults aren't really any different. We just have the rshus to choose our professions, etc. to not necessarily be full on extraverting all day...and the rshus to set certain expectations about the noise level of our home. A child, even a teen or an older teen, or even an adult child living at home, has no such rshus over the environment.

amother

Nemesia

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 11:00 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I agree and since this type of behavior is very typical of teenagers why worry?

If there are other signs of some kind of maladjustment - falling grades; depression etc, that is different. But it is normal for teenagers to hang out in their room.

Don't you get together every night for dinner - and then on Friday?

If you want to spend time with your teenager, schedule some kind of fun one on one activity - have lunch; do a mani/pedi.

amother

Pansy

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 11:05 am

I have the opposite problem. My 15 year old follows me around everywhere. Always just hangs out by my side. Drives me bananas because sometimes I need space. Or I want to talk to husband without her listening.
But when I kvetch about it everyone says your lucky she wants to hang out with you! So I try to view it as a positive but it honestly drives me insane sometimes.

amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 11:16 am

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Never thought about that. Dd is an introvert and definitely hangs out with friends after school before coming home, brings them to her room on Shabbos, and supports the ice cream and pizza places on motzei Shabbos! She also goes to shopping on Sundays but when she’s home she’s mainly in her room. It never occurred to me that maybe she just needs some time out - more than I would need because she’s an introvert. Thanks for the insight!

amother

Lightpink

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 11:17 am

It's very normal behavior... and the only way to have them stop is to limit screen time as other people have said.
My child used to spend all her time in her room and when we cut back on her device time, she's suddenly around a lot more and also a lot happier.

amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 11:19 am

I really appreciate you all responding here. I was getting nervous she was going through something emotionally or mentally but I see for the most part it’s normal behavior. At what point does this end? She’s in 12 grade and isn’t going to sem next year and doesn’t want to start shidduchim until she’s a year out of school. She wants to just live which I totally understand support. Is this kind of going into her room for hours going to continue? At what point or what age/stage should I get nervous and wonder if it’s overboard?

#BestBubby

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:38 pm

Internet addiction is not healthy.

Can cause mental health issues.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:40 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

Introverts also need family time.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:46 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Introverts also need family time.

Yes, but not when they are in recovery/recharge mode. And they will seek out people they want to interact with when they want to interact. A teen will also be focusing more on friends and may spend their socializing bank account first on friends and probably the last bits if any will be saved for parents, which is totally normal.

If the teen refuses to come for logical, necessary reasons out of their room ever (ie to do chores or come speak to their parents when there's something that needs speaking about, to go to school, etc.), that's a problem, but if they aren't hungry, don't want dinner now, would rather read or zone out in their room than on the couch, etc., the answer is not "forcing them" out of their cocoon. One can try that, but I don't recommend that as that will breed teens who turn into adults who don't want to be around their households or families. They will just resent it.

Highstrung

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Does she get together with friends on Shabbos afternoon?

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 1:52 pm

It's interesting, I also had this thought in the back of my mind about this being related to the introvert thing. I think it's definitely a factor.

#BestBubby

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 3:04 pm

Would you think it is ok for a mother to ignore her kids and husband because she has an internet addiction or thinks only friend relationships are important?

This is not healthy behavior now or for future.

It is parents responsibility to be mechanech
Children on how to have a healthy balanced life.

amother

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 5:47 pm

Highstrung wrote:

Does she get together with friends on Shabbos afternoon?

Yes bh has a grt group of friends! Gets together Shabbos afternoon, motzei Shabbos, and Sunday all day. Has stayed in school extra for colorwar and school play type things. It’s when she’s home she likes to be there opposed to in the main living area. I will address the online usage to her in a non confrontational way. She’s older I can’t demand anything anymore I want to keep our good relationship. I wonder if there’s a speech or book I can listen to/read before I broach this so I don’t do or say anything wrong

amother

Chestnut

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 5:58 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Mine don't have internet, a laptop, or movies, and they still like to be in their room.

Same. My teen spends her evening listening to hotlines on the house phone while coloring, painting doing her hair is etc and then homework and shmoozing with friends sometimes on the phone.

I’ve spoken to her and, more importantly *listened* to her, and I really do understand her perspective. She spends 7 hours a day plus 1 hour on the bus socializing interacting and just generally being “on”. It’s hard. She needs these evenings to unwind and be alone with herself. Demanding that she continue socializing with family isn’t fair.

I’ve totally stepped back and given her her space and I’ve notice that usually once the house gets quiet and the little one are in bed she does usually come out to hang around with the family for a short while. But it’s on her terms.

I don’t think any insisting or forcing will get you where you want to go.

groisamomma

Fri, Mar 17 2023, 6:11 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

I was waiting for someone to say this! You explained it very well. One of my daughters is like this. She goes straight up to her room and plays guitar, sings, reads, writes, and keeps herself busy. I once complained and she said, "I hate being around people." It scared me and was a weird thing to say because she has a lot of friends at school and plenty of neighbors she schmoozes with on Shabbos. Then someone explained to me that because she's the only introvert in the family I simply can't understand her need for peace and quiet. B"H she comes down when we eat supper and my girls can schmooze for hours at night (think 3 am Can't Believe It

) but she definitely needs those 2 hours holed up in her room to decompress.

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