Feels like he "hasn't made it"

amother

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 10:11 pm

How would you deal with a young adult who feels like he didn't live it up as a child and never "made it"?

He was a shy academic kid growing up and he now feels like he missed out on having fun, being popular etc. I've noticed that he is constantly trying to be recognized and appreciated now to make up for it and he gets really upset when it doesn't work out as he envisioned.

I've explained that he did the best he could with the resources he had at the time and now it's time to move on but it's really holding him back.

(He's been to therapy already.)

Any advice?

amother

Maize

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 10:40 pm

I didnt make it as a teen either. I was surrounded by popular siblings who had it all. But life goes on, and I had better times later on, oportunities came up, life became really good for me while the siblings I had spent my cbildhood envying were going through rough times.
Life is full of ups and downs. Sympathize with him over his loss, dont push him to move on. But do encourage him to look for opportunities in the present where he will shine, be it professionally or through a hobby or volunteering etc.

WhatFor

Sun, Mar 19 2023, 11:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

What about his current behavior makes you think that he's doing it to make up for his childhood? Does he explicitly say that?

Is it possible that his current behavior just reflects that he's still struggling with the same issues he struggled with in school, not that he's trying to make up for what he lost in school but that whatever social (or other) issues he has haven't resolved and he still struggles in current situations today?

amother

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 12:06 am

Thanks, everyone.

Whatfor, yes he said so himself. He feels like he should at least make up for it before he gets married and he's trying to shine in some way but it hasn't worked. I feel like he might be trying too hard in the hopes of replacing what he feels he lost out on.

I believe that yeshiva life isn't actually a microcosm of life in general and if he hasn't succeeded in making it to the top in the dormitory framework it doesn't mean he's doing anything wrong. Both DH and I have seen him interact successfully and socially with people in the real world and he seems to be doing just fine.

In truth, if you ask his rebbeim, they'll all say he's well liked, has friends, and seems to be doing well, but in his perception, if hasn't made it to the top, he hasn't made it. It's more that he's failed at what he was hoping to achieve and he doesn't feel ready to move on until he's reached that goal.

In terms of childhood, he feels like he should have had more fun and not been so studious. He actually was at the top of his class in academics for most of his former years but the popular "fun" guys took over the limelight eventually.

For some reason he's afraid of being average. He thinks that if he was average until he's destined to be so for the rest of his life. But having been on the other side I know that's not necessarily the case.

dankbar

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 12:15 am

He needs to rewire his brain and talk to himself, but in meantime you can give him space to be himself, support anything he does, give him compliments and show him that you love him, accept him and appreciate him the way he is, no if and buts.

amother

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 4:33 am

The thing is, he knows we love and appreciate him as he is but he isn't happy with himself. He believes that loud people are more successful so he has managed to convince himself that beneath his more reserved self he is really a loud, carefree person and if he only tried hard enough he'd fit that persona.

But I don't believe that's true. He isn't quiet. He's just more reserved. And I think he needs to realize that he's perfect as he is and he can be equally successful with his own remarkable personality. We've discussed it many times but he feels that he lost out by being more reserved when he was younger and now he need to make up for it.

pinkpeonies

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:34 am

I find this so interesting, because I clearly remember being 20 years old and thinking it was the pinnacle of life. Whatever you accomplished, whatever you were then, that’s what you would be for the rest of your life
It’s very a short-sighted and immature way of thinking, but also very very normal. What your son doesn’t realize is that he finally got through his primary growing years and now, only now, will he start to LIVE.
Your 20s and 30s (I don’t know past that yet, but someone else feel free to chime in) is when you are actually living your life. Now you can become who you want to be. Do you know how many people I know who got married and just blossomed? Really and truly grew into their potential. He’s only half a person now- with his bashert he will be complete and only then will he be able to really be who he can be.
It’s very short sighted to think that growth ends at 20, when in reality, that is when it starts

amother

Silver

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:56 am

I believe this is what gave me my dh. But he didn't do any therapy.

Quiet growing up, not as many friends but good ones. And then when married, at shul he gravitated toward the louder but real people. I found myself in a world that confused me, with a social circle nothing like me. Great people, but very different, and dh struggling to keep up. Thankfully they appreciate him for his strengths. But he started buying flashy things, clothes, etc, and I had to make shticky shalach manos and the like. I drew the line at wearing more expensive clothes just to show he had "arrived."

Hopefully your son will find or has friends who are the loud type he likes who appreciate him. Fairly soon, definitely with marriage, the need to feel respected will likely come out stronger along with belonging. Maybe bring up the idea of his joining and volunteering for an organization that will give him this feeling, including a feeling of belonging. There are a lot of the type of people he may be looking toward at places like HASC, or organizations that help support and cheer up those who are sick and their family members. He could be a big brother to a kid the age he didn't feel right at. Basically, when used along with something like therapy, giving as part of an organization can be really helpful.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:13 am

What is he good at? Can he find a path and opportunities to be successful in that thing or those things that are more in line with who he is and his personality rather than feeling like he needs to be something/someone else?

Chayalle

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:53 am

amother OP wrote:

He definitely should do whatever inner work it takes to be more at peace with himself before he gets married.

Has he gone away from home (like to Israel)? Sometimes a fresh start with different people that didn't know you before helps someone redefine themselves. But he may need a different type of therapy to help him appreciate himself more (and that there are all types of people in the world...and no, the louder people who seem to be having more fun, don't necessarily really have more fun (they just look that way....))

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 9:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Re the bolded, do you think he would read a book like the enneagram? It would explain very clearly to him that all types of people are amazing. What's counts is how healthy each type of person is emotionally. Btw I know 40 year olds who think the same as your son.. they are just missing the knowledge.