Feels like he "hasn't made it"

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Pink

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 11:29 am

Sounds like he's an introvert in a yeshiva/society that values extroverts more. So of course he'll always feel inferior.

He needs to find a friend group that appreciates him for who he is. A lot of introverted high schoolers don't find themselves until college. Is he planning on higher education? Or moving to a different framework? He may do well with a fresh start.

amother

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:25 pm

pinkpeonies wrote:

I find this so interesting, because I clearly remember being 20 years old and thinking it was the pinnacle of life. Whatever you accomplished, whatever you were then, that’s what you would be for the rest of your life
It’s very a short-sighted and immature way of thinking, but also very very normal. What your son doesn’t realize is that he finally got through his primary growing years and now, only now, will he start to LIVE.
Your 20s and 30s (I don’t know past that yet, but someone else feel free to chime in) is when you are actually living your life. Now you can become who you want to be. Do you know how many people I know who got married and just blossomed? Really and truly grew into their potential. He’s only half a person now- with his bashert he will be complete and only then will he be able to really be who he can be.
It’s very short sighted to think that growth ends at 20, when in reality, that is when it starts

I completely agree with this and I've told him as much. I've seen it happen so many times. But like many of us at that age, he's still too young to believe it.

To all of you who have mentioned that a fresh start would be good for him, I 100% agree, however, we're up against a tough system and although we've applied to several yeshivas and been trying to get him into a new yeshiva for over a year now, we have (as yet) been unsuccessful. I know Hashem can do anything, but b'derech hateva we need lots of protektsia to be noticed from among several 100's of others vying for limited space, and we ain't got any pull. Hashem is our best proteksia and I keep hoping and davening, if anyone can say an extra tefilla for us it would be appreciated.

The upside of his personality is that he's very in tune with himself and his feelings. I've explained to him that he cannot change before he accepts and appreciates himself as he is. He has many people who love and admire him and as long as he remains his own best critic it will be hard for him to move forward. He knows it intellectually but implementation is hard work.

He can't actually recall being put down or made to feel inadequate, but I'm realizing now that he is trying to be like DH, who is quite the comedian. DH and his family are known to be fun personalities, and he feels shortchanged about not being part of the gang. DH had lots of fans in yeshiva, many of whom still talk about "those good ol' days" so that probably contributes as well. All of this is likely the subconscious driving force behind his feeling of not matching up.

amother

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:26 pm

Another point - for some reason he keeps hearing from people that the yeshiva years are the best years of life, and he sees is slipping away in a way that doesn't seem to have been all that great to be the best. It's a misconception but it's what he's heard time and again.

amother

Garnet

Thu, Mar 30 2023, 7:01 pm

I had teachers who said "life gets harder and harder" when we complained or did not conform.
It frightened me very much.
the truth , for me was that life got easier and easier...
(being part of a peer group was demoralizing for me. in non-school environments people are less catty, less competitive and it is much easier to detach from people's hierarchal establishments...

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Mar 30 2023, 7:30 pm

My son also keeps hearing that the yeshiva years are the best years, and that the friends you make in high school are your true friends forever. I told him it’s not necessarily true. There are the Bais Medrash years as well, and also when you get married and you have young couple friends. And even after that, the neighbors and the kids’ friends’ parents.

All of the friendships fade unless you work hard to keep them up (that’s what happened to me - I still think I am close to the friend I had at my first job at age 22, but she doesn’t think so!)

Anyway, my son sometimes gets the same way and even sometimes talks about the average versus important/famous. I try to keep him really busy with lots of growth projects like learning how to drive and also helping at home. I encourage his hobbies, and I get him really nice clothes, shoes and haircuts. We also do lots of things as a family like trips and going to shul/community events. Like I tell all of my kids - adolescence is not easy.

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