Did you receive acknowledgement for Purim Tip?

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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amother

Carnation

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:05 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

Always judge favorably. Sometimes there is an excuse. I began writing thank you about a week after I got married, then right after Sheva brachos something happened with our apartment and we needed to move immediately a week after Sheva brachos. I guess they were forgotten about in the shuffle of moving, because 4 years later when we outgrew our apartment and moved, I found the half finished cards. At that point it was embarrassing 😳 to send.

I hear that you're trying to come up with excuses, but its really not right. And it just normalizes the idea that you dont HAVE to send a thank you to people. I had a medical issue come up with a parent during sheva brachos and was driving to and from appointments... but I still made an effort to thank a distant cousin for the ugly salad bowl she got me, and the money I got from another relative. Being makir tov should be ingrained in a person that they should have realized if they didnt send thank you notes to the hundreds of gifts they got for their chasuna.

Why does everyone start screaming "be dan lekaf zechus" to excuse poor behavior?

amother

Almond

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:06 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

I was shy as a kid too. Very shy. My mother made me say Mazel Tov by each Simcha, she made me say hello to her friends, she made me call up myself for things that I wanted her to call. I couldn't call so I lost out on things. All my cousins had a sleep over at my grandparents house, my mother insisted that I can only go if I ask myself my grandmother if I can come. My younger sister managed to ask and went. I couldn't ask and I didn't go. The next day all cousins asked me where I was, why only my sister came. I am still resentful for what she put me through. Heck with being rude, I couldn't care less, call me whatever you want. I don't make a single phone call that causes me to be anxious.
I don't force my kids to have good manners. I don't want to teach them good manners come with stress. They will learn it eventually at their own pace. I remember every shabbos being so anxious that my mothers friend is coming soon and I will have to say good shabbos soon. I used to hide so she doesn't see me.
It caused so much extra anxiety in my life, forcing me to be polite. Every time I go to a Simcha as an adult I remember the times when I was younger and was made to say Mazel Tov. It brings back so many bad memories and it's causing me to have a harder time being polite even as an adult.

I have kids that are not shy and have no issues saying thank you. I don't force the ones that feel they can't.

But really this has nothing to do with a teacher not saying thank you for a tip. You don't even need to call...u can send home a simple generic note.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:33 pm

amother Almond wrote:

But really this has nothing to do with a teacher not saying thank you for a tip. You don't even need to call...u can send home a simple generic note.

Of course not. There was a back n forth conversation in between.

amother

Yolk

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 6:35 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Would you call a parent rude for not giving a tip? What's if they have no money?

I don't get this question.
You are saying that morahs don't have to say a thank you for a gift (MM and a tip). And it isn't rude.
I am asking if you think it is rude to not give a thank you to a teacher. There was another thread where parents went on about how much they gave up to give tips. Which side do you support? If it is not rude for a Morah to not acknowledge a gift then it is definitely not rude for a parent to not acknowledge a service they paid for.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 7:13 pm

amother Yolk wrote:

I don't support any "have tos"
It's nice to send a thank you note. They can, they don't have to. It's nice for parents to give a tip, but they don't have to.
I don't support a parent giving up a lot in order to tip me. I support tipping if you have the money and if it doesn't come at great expense of your emotional welfare. I don't support anyone doing anything for others at the expense of their emotional welfare.
I didn't get tips from a few kids this year. It would never accur to me to call them rude.
I definitely appreciated thank you text messages, especially the ones I wrote a personal thank you note in their mm. It showed that they appreciated my effort in writing them a note. But it's not a "have to"
Are people either nice or rude? Is there no in-between?

amother

Maroon

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:02 pm

Some posters spent more than was comfortable for them and now feel resentful that their MM wasn’t acknowledged. It makes me sad to think that people overspent in order to meet perceived social obligations. Please only give MM to teachers if you want to and can happily afford to. I promise you, not everybody gives. Almost 1/4 of my class didn’t (high school). And there was a huge range in what I got. Some people gave very simple MM, total cost under $1 most likely. Some probably spent $3-$5 on packaged items that they put in a cellophane bag with a ribbon. Some baked things like mini babkas and packaged nicely but overall cost was probably quite reasonable. Some gave expensive packaged MM with gift cards or checks. Some parents sent via the school’s MM fundraiser thing. Some parents wrote notes with the MM. Some had their daughters write the notes. Some didn’t include a note. I promise your kids’ teachers don’t care. We appreciate everything. Teachers are usually on a budget, so our own MM are pretty simple. And if you send us a gift card or check, we’re going to assume it’s because you wanted to, not because you felt you had to.

Your kids’ teachers don’t want you to give more than is comfortable for you.

ETA: Many years, I allowed my children to give to only 3-4 teachers/Rabbeim per kid, otherwise it was too much $ even though each MM by itself was pretty cheap. They picked their main teachers and zehu.

amother

Seablue

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:12 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

As above posters, I'm terribly shy and also tend to find these tasks overwhelming.

After our wedding, I painstakingly entered all of the gifts into a list in a notebook so that as soon as I bought thank you cards (no, for some reason I didn't think to do this in advance) I'd know what to thank people for.

You can guess the end... the notebook disappeared.

I'm sure I look terribly ungrateful to people and I feel very bad about that. One of my wedding gifts to my children will iyh be thank you cards, stamps, envelopes, and some sample wording to make it easier to do it promptly.

amother

Watermelon

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:40 pm

We are struggling financially on a strong level. Yet, wanting to show appreciation to my kids Rebbi's, Morahs and therapists, on Chanukah, we overextended ourselves and gave a $100 to each Rebbi, $50 to the teachers and $20 to therapists.
We recieved NO Thank you from anyone.

For Purim, we gave again as is expected. Similar amounts or gift.
No response from anyone!
(One Rebbi had a genetic note on the parsha paper.)

One therapist sent me a text message today, to Thank for the shalach monos. (I gave a nice gift to it, perhaps she doesnt appreciate that.)

I guess she's on here and has seen this thread today...

I know they must have appreciated the money/gift card/gift, but I felt like- maybe it doesn't make a difference if I do or don't give it, why bother...

amother

Yellow

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:46 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

Its very kind of you to give big gifts like that. But if you are struggling financially, why do you give such big gifts? We struggle financially somewhat, but I try to only spend what we can afford. So I gave $20 to each rebbi and thats it.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 8:58 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

A little off topic maybe but the mitzva of being Dan lekav zechus is always to excuse poor behavior. That is exactly why we have this mitzva! Wink

Read "the other side of the story". The entire book is stories of ppl that didn't act the way they should and had a good reason to.

amother

Tanzanite

Mon, Mar 20 2023, 9:12 pm

Got my first thank you tonight. Spent a lot of money on teachers mm and gifts. One teacher called tonight and said it's been so hectic and didn't get to call but gave a really nice thank you. Wonder if she's on here. 😂
But was really thoughtful. We have a lot of $$ and nice to know it was appreciated

amother

Sage

Tue, Mar 21 2023, 10:49 am

I did. But it wasn’t necessary. I’m also shy and I get overwhelmed and I got halfway through my wedding thank you cards when I felt too sick from my first pregnancy to continue. I give because I want to and I don’t need anything in return, and I wish others would do the same.

amother

Violet

Thu, Mar 30 2023, 4:09 am

amother Violet wrote:

Nope. And don’t expect to.
I sent to 4 Morahs and 1 rebbe
None of them acknowledged it . I’m assuming they said thank you when my child handed it over to them.

I don’t think a thank you needs a thank you. And that’s what my tip was meant for so I’m cool with that .

Bumping this thread up because I wanted to share that two different Morahs reached out yesterday to say thank you for the MM etc.
One was a personal call and the other was via a written message that she asked the class mother to share. This shows me that they simply were extremely busy with their lives and now that they are off of work they were able to take that breather to reach out.

I am someone who doesn’t expect thank yous when I send a thank you , but of course it’s appreciated.
However I did learn two things here.
1. It is never too late to say thank you or to express appreciation to someone . Never think too much time passed and you lost the chance.

2. Always be Dan L’Kaf Zchus. One teacher just let me know she had been out the entire time, without my knowledge and the MM that I sent with my daughter to school only got to her this week.

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