Teenagers Missing School

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:54 pm

How often or frequent is it ok for parents to ask a high school age daughter to stay home from school to help.
I'm not counting emergencies like family member in the hospital or sitting Shiva.
Just to watch a sick (flu-type) sibling, or to stay home while parents go to appointment, or something.

Personally I don't think I've ever asked my daughters to stay home except for hospital-level emergencies.
My daughter was telling me about friends staying home to clean or cook for Pesach, to watch little siblings who were sick and parents didn't want to use their vacation days, parents going on vacation and high school girls leaving school at 2 to do playground pickup and watching the kids.

My daughter also told me that every year there's massive drama when the schools don't want to excuse all these absences and the girls get frustrated because they had no choice.

What's your take?

Rappel

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:56 pm

Never. If the girls want to help, that's a bonus. But they should never be used instead of a parent, in conflict with school or social events.

amother

Black

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:57 pm

Rappel wrote:

Never. If the girls want to help, that's a bonus. But they should never be used instead of a parent, in conflict with school or social events.

This

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:58 pm

Not ok barring a once in the blue emergency. They belong in school they are not parents little helpers. I can’t believe this is widespread. So horrifying.

amother

Hosta

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:58 pm

I had a student at one point who stayed home every Friday to take care of the baby so her mother could cook for shabbos. We spoke to the mom and turns out kid was insisting on staying home. We convinced kid she needed to come to school and problem solved.

Really it shouldn't be more than twice a year I would say.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 4:59 pm

Rappel wrote:

Never. If the girls want to help, that's a bonus. But they should never be used instead of a parent, in conflict with school or social events.

You think that if a teen offers to miss school to help, you should let?

Like I said, I've never let except hospital related emergencies.

amother

Olive

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:01 pm

It depends on the school and the situation. I went to a high school that was a joke in terms of academics and teaching. Yes, I stayed home for reasons like that.

I missed a week of school when my mother had a baby in 12th grade. It wasn't a big deal.

amother

Crocus

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:04 pm

I have asked my girls to stay home as a last reasort when I was sick and needed someone to care for my toddler.
On the other hand, my neighbor has a large family with 5 teenaged daughters. She has a girl home to help on an almost daily basis.
Honestly, I don't think it's that big of a deal for a girl to stay home and help her mother once in a while.

OOTforlife

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:05 pm

Never.

A pikuach nefesh situation, for example would be different. But OP said she's not including those types of emergencies. For the type of stuff in the OP, never.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:10 pm

OOTforlife wrote:

Never.

A pikuach nefesh situation, for example would be different. But OP said she's not including those types of emergencies. For the type of stuff in the OP, never.

To clarify.
My daughter stayed home while my husband had to take me for an emergency D&C.

When my son was in the hospital and my husband and I were trading hospital shifts, my daughter stayed home and went to school 2 hours late to cover the little ones.

Those are emergencies. I'm not talking about that.

My daughters came home with stories of friends missing like 10 days in all for non hospital-level emergency. I was really horrified and I was wondering if my reaction was exaggerated.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

1. They are probably exaggerating in the number of friends and/or the number of days.
2. Your approach is entirely appropriate.....what kid wouldn't want a reason to be able to not go to school?

amother

Mistyrose

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

No it’s not exaggerated. I also wonder if they don’t pay tuition? Even that alone would deter me, all my hard earned money while they miss half a month…

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:16 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

1. They are probably exaggerating in the number of friends and/or the number of days.
2. Your approach is entirely appropriate.....what kid wouldn't want a reason to be able to not go to school?

I do know 1 or 2 families who do rely on their daughters that much so I have to assume my girls aren't exaggerating.

amother

Crocus

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:17 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

1. They are probably exaggerating in the number of friends and/or the number of days.
2. Your approach is entirely appropriate.....what kid wouldn't want a reason to be able to not go to school?

I don't think she's exaggerating. Many girls stay home from school when mom has a baby or before a family simcha.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:18 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

Do you keep your boys home to help?

Honestly, my Mesivta age boys would find it easier to make up the missed material than my high school daughter because of the style of learning and teaching

amother

Crocus

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do you keep your boys home to help?

Honestly, my Mesivta age boys would find it easier to make up the missed material than my high school daughter because of the style of learning and teaching

No, it's bittul torah for a boy. A girl has no chiyuv to learn.

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:20 pm

I do know a particular family that did this a lot. My daughter first told me that the Mom cannot manage her responsibilities so the oldest daughter stayed home frequently to take care of cooking, cleaning and child care.
It was sad. The girl did not do well in school at least in part from missing so much material.

amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 5:22 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

No, it's bittul torah for a boy. A girl has no chiyuv to learn.

A boy can learn at home.
And the girls "job" is to go to school and get educated. A parents responsibility is to facilitate that.
Keeping your kids home feels wrong to me.