Did I miss the boat chizuk needed

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 7:47 pm

My son is 13. I’m curious if I missed the boat and if I had been more aware things would have turned out differently.

Ages 0-2 he was a dream. Literally slept through the night almost from birth. Nursed beautifully never sick. Bh

Age 2 he was always busy with Lego trains but he kept himself busy playing nicely so this did not bother me. Around this time his morah told me that he is different from the other kids and he doesn’t play with them. but again it didn’t really bother me because it didn’t affect me and the morah said he is fine.

Age 3 toilet training. A total nightmare and first time that his behavior bothered me. He refused to use the bathroom. While he wasn’t my first child I was very perturbed about his behavior and lack of cooperation. But again I didn’t know what to do. I am fully focused on my parenting classes.

Age 3.5 his morah says he doesn’t play with other kids. I didn’t really like this Morah For other reasons so I decided at the time to pull him out, and he spent that year at home with me. Things were fine. He plays nicely and is fine.

Age 4 he goes to playgroup and is fine. Applies to primary and the principal tells us he needs to go to a special school. I already had kids in the school and was shocked. Ok I play along because again I don’t chap how much help he needs because basically day to day is fine

He goes to stars in Lakewood I’m happy he is getting all these great services. But practically I don’t see or realize the benefits.

I re-Apply to mainstream school again and he’s accepted.

1st grade. Great never had any issue with learning but is giving me a hard time more at home regarding sharing playing and all this time never plays with neighbors but I chalk that up to him being introverted like me and my husband. He plays in his room and it’s mostly fine.

2nd grade good

3rd ok not a great rebbi but it’s fine behavior at home is difficult but I just keep taking more parenting classes and try different strategies. I think it’s something to do with parenting.

4th is corona a great rebbi but yes definitely starts to struggle in school. English is hard and they insist he get evaluated. Fine he goes to np psych and she gives add meds. Terrible. His behavior plummets and we are at a loss up and down with meds. Try this and that goes from bad to worse until my husband says we’re not giving him anything.

Corona happens and schools close. This is a blessing for my son gets a break from school and things actually calm down. But he cannot do any of the phone conferences so I’m starting to realize something is wrong but what.

Now He fights a lot and is physical with siblings. Consequences don’t work.

5th grade we’re hopeful and things are basically okay.

6th is tough and it dawns on me through extensive research that he is high functioning autistic. Naturally I learn everything there is.

Now he is in 7th. It’s hard. Every day a struggle. I have developed chest pains from The stress of dealing with him. His siblings have a super hard time with him.

I’m wondering where I went wrong. I guess I don’t want the answer because that will be too painful. I want to hear someone say well I did aba and floortime and all therapies and my son this age is tough That would comfort me.

I want to hear that because his symptoms were not obvious I couldn’t have acted sooner.

I work with a therapist who helps me work through his behaviors. But I guess I I’d like to hearchizzuk that I did my all

That nobody told me about other options.

That there is hope and 7th grade is tough

amother

Ecru

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:01 pm

Mothers never “have missed the boat”.
Mothers get an extra dose of being human!
It’s never too late, go get help now.

amother

Blushpink

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

You know, some people grow up before they discover they have autism or ADHD and while they have their struggles it doesn't mean they won't ever be functional. In fact many are.
My four year old just got diagnosed with ASD, I suspected ADHD and I think he'll get that label eventually.
The good news is that usually these kids just need one good relationship with one caring adult to be successful. Focus on his strengths and see how you can develop them.
It's tough for him too because he's going through puberty too.
Though not diagnosed, I think my husband is the same as my son. And while he's had a difficult time, he grew a lot since we got married. He told me that his mom's love and acceptance is what kept him away from drugs while his peers got involved with them.

amother

Almond

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:07 pm

7th grade is challenging even for neurotypical kids.

You sent him to Stars. You had him evaluated. You probably gave him some great experiences when he was learning at home.

You're a great mom.

Go to BrainBuilders. They get situations like yours regularly, and they'll help a lot, both for him, and for you. That's what helped me in a similar situation.

TwinsMommy

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:16 pm

As a mom of two on the spectrum, I'm pretty sure there are adults who are just learning that they should have an eval for ASD. Very high functioning ASD isn't necessarily smack you in the face obvious at a typical evaluation age. It's not too late and you can start NOW. Regressive autism (one type of autism--- my daughter definitely has it) doesn't necessarily happen in early childhood either. When his behavior plummeted, he might not have been eligible for an ASD diagnosis before that point. A hard to toilet train introverted kiddo isn't necessarily on the spectrum--- especially since you'd had parenting experience with other children. You didn't see the benefits of a special school---- so mainstreaming him made sense. Corona screwed up all children, even the most neurotypical.

If he does get the diagnosis now, welcome to the club--- there's support here on imamother and of course in your local community. Feel free to reach out via pm to me personally with autism questions if you'd like.

amother

Bisque

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 8:34 pm

No beating yourself up! You did your best with the tools and awareness you had at that time. You put in what was reasonable and necessary then, you didn't deny or neglect anything. You were and are a great mom! Kids keep changing and symptoms with resolve and new ones will come. That's the way it goes and you work on whatever is necessary at each stage. Give yourself a pat on the back for your openness receptiveness and honesty, for reaching out for help and guidance now.
Also, even if you did additional interventions earlier, doesn't mean anything would be different now. Nothing is automatic and guaranteed. This is the stage hashem wants him at now, this is your current journey together. It would be this way regardless of whatever the past was. NO GUILT!
The only thing for you to do now is see what concerns are priority to address and figure out how to guide him. Hashem should send you good shlichim and you should see much progress, growth and nachas!

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