My kids are impossible and idk what to do

amother

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 5:13 pm

My kids have real emotional issues. But they are smart and they don't act out in school.

They pass evaluations with flying colors. I've been denied school services from board of Ed. Hcbs is denying me now because they behave in school. They don't qualify for any "real" diagnosis.

They need real help. And I don't know what to do or how to get it.

I dont need parenting help. I don't need cleaning help. I need mental health professionals. I'm going to start 1 kid with a therapist but that's one session a week. Everything is a million phone calls and months of schlepping out and in the meantime every day is really difficult and draining and I'm pregnant and all I can think about is I can't have another crazy kid.

amother

NeonPink

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 5:18 pm

I know this is asking for a lot but if you can designate once a week when you can bribe everyone to occupy themselves or have your husband on call and focus on one kid. As the primary caregiver, you providing one 'therapy session' once a week will accomplish a ton..

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 5:41 pm

amother Canary wrote:

Parenting classes if they can behave all day in school.

Not necessarily.

I have 2 kids like this. They are so so challenging at home, amazing at school. They didn't get any diagnosis, can't get any services.

I have other kids that are not like this. I took parenting classes. I went to therapy together with dh. It's not us. It's them.

Op, if someone never saw it up close, I understand why they wouldn't get it. I feel you. Sorry I have no solution for you. I just wanted you to know that there's someone else struggling with the same.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 5:43 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Hate to say this, but Behaving in school and impossible at home is classic for pandas. And boy does it run in families.

Yes, my 2 like this have pandas. Didn't know it was part of it.
We have treated both of them many times in many different ways. They're still very difficult.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 5:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not every issue will qualify a kid for free services from the BOE. They might need private OT, PT, behavioral therapy or talk therapy. I know it’s expensive.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:06 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

Yes, my 2 like this have pandas. Didn't know it was part of it.
We have treated both of them many times in many different ways. They're still very difficult.

True, people can spend years chasing treatments and still have difficult children. But I personally feel it helps to know what it is.

amother

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:10 pm

Yes I know about pandas and im already dealing with the medical angle. But what am I supposed to do about the behaviors.

It has nothing to do with my parenting. Although I will admit to having no patience or energy and wanting to just walk out. It's honestly too emotionally demanding. My emotional capacity is used up by 7am. I could give a million examples but just take my word for it. I actually write down examples for each kid and I take videos of them when theyre being insane bc honestly I wouldn't believe it myself. You would never think a normal cute kid can act so insane.

I started crying on the phone when the case manager for hcbs which I applied for over 5 months ago told me its going to be denied. I only got through this year because every day I thought it will be approved. meanwhile I know people going to get facials and massages covered by hcbs, and kids who don't need any help who have hours of services thrown at them.

amother

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:12 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Did you go to a neuropsych? Not one who works for school a good thorough one.

Another saga. I made an appointment the earliest one was 8 months out. In the meantime trying desperately to get seen even by a dumb one just so I can get the ball rolling on services. Everything takes forever and each day is hell in the meantime.

amother

Seablue

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:25 pm

BOE services are only for issues that interfere with your kids getting an education. So not qualifying for those services doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Get on every wait list you can. Everything takes time.

amother

Seablue

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

meanwhile I know people going to get facials and massages covered by hcbs, and kids who don't need any help who have hours of services thrown at them.

I’m not in nys but had an easier time getting services after Dc was diagnosed privately.

TwinsMommy

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:30 pm

My teen twins both have ASD and ADHD (and one twin has a couple other issues as well)---- both of them have GOTTEN to the point where school is a WHOLE lot better than home (they hold it in and explode at home) but it took many years---- so because school saw it and dealt with it they were handed very thick IEPs which got us goals and county board services, etc.

Since you've been denied an IEP, you can make the district do a re-evaluation on THEIR dime--- it's called an IEE. See if your district has a mentor who can walk you through that process.

How many kids and how old? Do they feed off each other? Is your husband present and emotionally on board? Can you spend individual time with each one doing something that is right up THEIR alley? It's ridiculous that separating my TEENAGERS helps, but it does---- spending time with the two of them together just doesn't work. They are two such VERY different people and their behaviors feed off each other to the extreme.

Hatzlacha, it's so hard.

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:44 pm

How are their diets?
Do you feed them proper breakfast that’s not cereal and full of dyes?
Other food dyes throughout the day?
Overly processed foods (I get it’s hard to ban everything but even Oreos cause behavioral problems)

Are they eating enough? Food when they get home from school? Enough snacks at school?

Are they using enough energy?

amother

Butterscotch

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:49 pm

OP, how old are your children? Mine are also extremely difficult. One in particular was always difficult at home but never was an issue in school. In a way it felt so invalidating since evertone else thought he was fine and he was turned down even for private therapy services! But further down the road his issues started to manifest in school as well. He’s in middle school now and it’s now abundantly clear there are many issues with emotional regulation, severe inattentive adhd, etc.
Hugs, op, it’s a tough ride.

amother

Steel

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 12:46 am

amother Seablue wrote:

I agree with this.

Once you have more info from a private professional (always as for written reports) you can go back to the DOE.

Can you get a prescription from your pediatrician for ot, even 30 min a week can give you some good ideas & the kids usually enjoy it.

Lots of hugs!

amother

Blushpink

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 5:56 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

This exactly describes 2 of my children! One w PANS. Another with trauma history.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Mar 24 2023, 6:03 am

amother OP wrote:

With pandas, the medical angle and the behavioral angle are really one and the same. If you are aggressively treating the medical aspect, behaviors should come way, way down. What have you already tried?