People think we are richer than we really are!

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:39 pm

And especially now erev YT my husband is expected to give so much money to every organization that comes begging. they start with numbers like $50000 so they can go down but they have no idea he can barely give $1000!
I know that a lot but for the standards, people think we are on we don't really have that kind of money
DH owns a massive business that he opened himself and works very hard, people assume that since hes running such a large company, it MUST be he has money.
We dont even own our own house, I don't shop high-end for my kids and we don't vacation and travel at all.
We feel like we have been put into that mold and now we are stuck with this name.

BrachaBatya

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:41 pm

People need to learn to stop trying to interpret what other people have in the bank!

amother

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 8:44 pm

I know!
But then on the other hand were not going to tell people hey im not as rich as you think I am because A) we will be called stingy
b) (it might sound silly) but we are not poor either. So why cant we give? And isnt it better to "belong" to the non-poor class?

amother

Wine

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think that's the issue. Just be upfront and say sorry we don't actually have the amount of money you think we have

amother

Clematis

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:04 pm

You don’t have to be poor to not be able to give 50k or 1k to everyone who asks.
Dh and I make around 315k a year so that’s around 31k maaser but we give mostly to our son’s rebbeim and relatively small amounts to other places. And it comes in increments so we can only give a few hundred dollars each week. If someone asked us for 50k or even 1k the answer is no but we aren’t poor.

Persevere

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:07 pm

amother OP wrote:

This right here is your issue. Don't worry about which class you belong to. Just live within your means, and let collectors know you don't have have that kind of money but are happy to give X.

amother

Valerian

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:09 pm

Even the biggest names can’t give everyone who asks. They give on Purim to everyone who comes but only to those who physically show up.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

You care too much what people think of you.
Simply say sorry I would love to but we can only afford X amount at the moment.

A. No one is going to call you stingy

B. No one is thinking of which class you belong to.

C. You really shouldn’t be categorizing people into “classes”. We’re all just neshamos of equal worth.

amother

Hydrangea

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:23 pm

I have no problem saying I wish I can give more, but that’s all I can.
We used to be able to give more and now we can’t.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 9:29 pm

This is me! OP, few people will really understand.
DH and I both work really hard and people think because DH owns a huge business we must be rich. He has partners, we have huge expenses and we are far from rich!
I’ve been going crazy from the pressure this year. DH gently says I’m sorry this is the most I can give but they don’t take no for an answer. The pressure is insane and my blood is boiling from the numbers I’m asked to give when my Pesach costs half that amount because I’m running to shop sales and work full time.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:02 pm

I think you're confusing "collectors trying their luck" with "people assume we're rich."

Don't attach meaning to ridiculous demands by some collectors who just want to raise the money for their cause.

Just say, "We're happy to give XYZ amount," and repeat it as needed, as many times as they need to hear it.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:04 pm

You don't need to correct them. You say lots of places need and even with all that I am allowed to give for maaser/chomesh still needs to be budgeted out to many places. This is what I can give you. Thats it. Done. If they don't get it, they don't get it.

hodeez

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:08 pm

50k is an egregious ask

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:12 pm

You can say your money is tied up/invested.

amother

Clematis

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:15 pm

Op the sooner you stop worrying about what others think and what class you are in, the better off you’ll be.

Dh and I are honest people. We are honest about what we can give, and what we can’t. When people make rude comments about the (normal but not luxury) cars we drive, we just marvel at their cluelessness.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:21 pm

We don't give to people who call us on the phone, full stop. We give only through the mail or online to causes we choose. Some of them may be organizations who also call us, but we give them despite the phone call, not because of it, and never in response to the call. We don't argue, we don't make excuses, we don't apologize, and we pay no mind to "suggested donations" or "last year you gave X, this year won't you consider 2X." We give what we want to give when we want to give to whom we want to give, as is our right. And when we get phone calls, we tell them we don't pledge over the phone, have a nice day, and hang up.

zaq

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:25 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

You can say your money is tied up/invested.

Why should she? It's not their business. Don't apologize, don't explain. They have no claim on your tzedaka money. You and you alone decide how much to give and to whom, and if you decide you want to give nothing to a particular org (maybe because their fundraiser is obnoxious or getting greedy), that's your right, too.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 26 2023, 10:39 pm

It's a collector's job to collect. Of course they're going to push hard. Did you ever hear of anyone saying, "last time you gave X, that must have been a stretch, so we're asking a third of that from you for this time"? No. They ask for double, and hope you'll compromise by still giving them more than before.

Your job is to set boundaries, figure what's maaser, and tell them, "sorry, no can do" as needed.

Pressure only works if you let it.

And then, you'll need to be a recipient, because you'll have given away what you needed.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:39 am

It’s literally their job to get as much money as possible. We have the same thing and they come asking for a crazy amount of money. Once in America they asked us for something so ridiculous and completely out of our budget. I think we offered to give them $180 or something which is at the time which is a huge donation and he basically threw it back in her face. I remember what happened and she took the check in the end but I remember crying and being so insulted. Because $180 is tremendous amount of money and he just treated it like we gave him a penny. I’ve grown since then and I give what I can give and I just know that that’s what fundraisers do they try to give as much money as possible. But when they ask for such a ridiculous amount we kind of laughed sometimes I just can’t give anything. Because he has his *** for $50,000 we don’t have anywhere close to that to give. And no we don’t look wealthy on the outside but that’s just their job to possible

effess

Mon, Mar 27 2023, 1:59 am

Even very wealthy ppl don’t give to everyone who asks and the amounts they’re asked.

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