What to do- hosting guests I don’t like

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 5:20 am

Sleep over guests.
They are not an easy family to have.
I hosted them once before and I promised myself- never again.
Problem is, dh extended the invitation.
So now I’m upset that they are coming and soooo angry at dh.
Need chizzuk… how can I happily roll up my sleeves and cook for them?
I’m dreading yomtov… I feel like an unpaid employee who is forced to cook, serve and clean up.

imasinger

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 5:30 am

How long ago did DH invite them, and why? Unless they're in crisis and have nowhere else, I say there's still time for you to call and say, "I'm terribly sorry, DH forgot to check in with me, and we're just not going to be able to host this time". Don't let them press you for particulars.

You can do some chesed by sending over some Pesach food, and a warm note.

If they are in crisis, and desperately need this invitation, spend some time brainstorming what could go wrong, and what you can do to prevent or mitigate problems. And DH should definitely be pitching in fully. Make sure he knows that he is in charge of at least half of the extra work.

amother

Latte

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 5:34 am

What's done is done. For the future please tell DH that he is not to invite without asking you first. Now think of it as Total Chessed. Of course as Imasinger wrote, your DH must help. Cook, serve, clean up. Speak with and take care of the company. How long are they with you? Tell DH you deserve a big gift after chag.

amother

Daylily

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 5:52 am

I'm so sorry, that is really hard. Try to think of it as a mitzvah you're doing purely for the sake of the mitzvah. And speak to your husband about checking with you first next time.

amother

Milk

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 6:08 am

DH should cook, clean and serve them since he invited them.

If it's a random Shabbat "Sorry, DH and I have Corona and can't host for 5 days" (preferably 4 days ahead of time, plenty of time for them to make their own Shabbat). If it's Passover, not fair to drop that on someone though, as Passover takes 2ish weeks to prepare for (can do it in a few days if you don't do chumrot and are healthy and energetic, but can't assume that).

oneofakind

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 8:25 am

DH should retract invitation. Ridiculous.

lamplighter

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 8:47 am

Throw it back on your husband.
These are your guests you know how I feel about this, how will you fix it? How will you make this Yom tov a pleasant experience for me?

bernadette

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 8:54 am

A 3 day yom tov? Absolutely not.
You still have time to cancel.
Your sanity comes before any chesed.

amother

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 9:15 am

They booked tickets from another country.
It’s too late now.
I want to tell my husband that he got himself a cook for y’t but he lost a wife.
He said he would help.
He’s never helped before.
Let’s see what happens…

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 9:21 am

OP for the future, I think it's important that you and your DH have a discussion about this. I'll be really honest here and say this is something DH and I discussed with an Adam Chashuv - someone DH consults sometimes for these types of questions. DH is very soft-hearted when it comes to people who "need" to be hosted (define that broadly please) and his wife (that's me) is not always feeling up to hosting those particular guests. There was one point where we regularly hosted a man that made me very uncomfortable, for all the reasons you can imagine, which I prefer not to detail. Let's not mention the fact that I also have daughters and sisters....

This person advised us that guests have to work for every member of the family. Family must be comfortable in their own home! He really gave us guidelines and it saved our SB for many Yomim Tovim since. DH got the realization that we have to be on the same page when it comes to hosting, and otherwise, much as it hurts him, he can and does say NO. BH.

Perhaps you can get a commitment from DH that he will have this discussion with you and agree to a "mehalech" for the future. Let him know this CANNOT happen again.

amother

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 9:24 am

Chayalle wrote:

I agree with everything you wrote.
We are definitely not on the same page regarding this issue.
It’s a sore topic.
Would you be able to share the name of the person you spoke with?

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 28 2023, 9:26 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree with everything you wrote.
We are definitely not on the same page regarding this issue.
It’s a sore topic.
Would you be able to share the name of the person you spoke with?

Unfortunately he is no longer with us....
Do you have a Rav you could speak to about this topic? It's very important.

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