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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Got an email from yeshiva my son can't come back after Pesa
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 10:24 pm
My son is in 8 th grade.
He is very behind because he can't sit and the yeshiva doesn't know how to handle him.
They told us to do this and that and whatever they suggested us to do we did but he still can't sit.
I got an email tonight from the menahel saying that after Pesach he can't come back to yeshiva.
They are sorry but that's it.
What an I supposed to do a few months left of school?
The schools that would take him I am very hesitant to send to because the boys there are a bit too secular and I don't want him to get influenced.
I don't know how I will break it to my son.
How will he feel down the road that in his last year a few months towards the end he was kicked out?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 10:31 pm
I'm sorry but you lost me at "email." How dare they? Emails are for calendar updates, lunch menus, and photo orders.

I am so sorry. I hope you can get some assertive rav in your corner to talk sense into the menahel. There has to be something they can work out for two months. If we were anywhere other than April of 8th grade I would not be saying that, I'm not a fan of keeping kids in a place that's not working, but seriously it's 2 months.

Did he do something dangerous that makes them need to draw the line? And even if so, not by email.
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Stars




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 10:35 pm
Email??!? The nerve!
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 10:37 pm
seeker wrote:
I'm sorry but you lost me at "email." How dare they? Emails are for calendar updates, lunch menus, and photo orders.

I am so sorry. I hope you can get some assertive rav in your corner to talk sense into the menahel. There has to be something they can work out for two months. If we were anywhere other than April of 8th grade I would not be saying that, I'm not a fan of keeping kids in a place that's not working, but seriously it's 2 months.

Did he do something dangerous that makes them need to draw the line? And even if so, not by email.


As someone on the administration of a school, I will tell you that sometimes this has to be sent by email. We have had numerous conversations with a parent about looking for alternate placements, but they just don't seem to "hear" you. At some point, it's necessary to put it in writing, and make it final.
I'm not saying this is what happened in this case, but I wouldn't say as a blanket statement that this can never be put into an email.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 10:50 pm
amother Forestgreen wrote:
As someone on the administration of a school, I will tell you that sometimes this has to be sent by email. We have had numerous conversations with a parent about looking for alternate placements, but they just don't seem to "hear" you. At some point, it's necessary to put it in writing, and make it final.
I'm not saying this is what happened in this case, but I wouldn't say as a blanket statement that this can never be put into an email.


While I hear this, I imagine you'd agree that you don't send it less than a week before Pesach to be applicable immediately after. The only reason I can see this happening is if break has started and they don't want the parents to be able to call anyone about it. It's horrible. They can't call any other schools either, they have to make Pesach, what are they supposed to do?

Unless the son did something really bad yesterday, I see no justification.

Tachlis- OP, is your son into high school/ mesivta? If so, is it a better fit? If, by some miracle, it has a middle school attached to or associated with it, maybe they would take him early if it's clear it's a fit issue.
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amother
Green


 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 11:31 pm
Maybe reply something like, are you personally taking responsibility for the future of my child? How would he feel?
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 11:34 pm
amother Forestgreen wrote:
As someone on the administration of a school, I will tell you that sometimes this has to be sent by email. We have had numerous conversations with a parent about looking for alternate placements, but they just don't seem to "hear" you. At some point, it's necessary to put it in writing, and make it final.
I'm not saying this is what happened in this case, but I wouldn't say as a blanket statement that this can never be put into an email.

It needs to be both. It is NOT ok to inform parents, so close to the end of the school year, that their child is not welcome back ONLY in an email. It needs to be said to their face AND put in writing. This sounds quite cowardly to me.
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amother
Bluebell


 

Post Thu, Mar 30 2023, 11:56 pm
What a nightmare. Op my heart breaks for you and ur DS. Much hatzlacha, hope everything works and keep us posted. Good luck
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amother
Glitter


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:04 am
OP, when was your last conversation with the principal and what was decided then? Any deadline for changes in his behavior given?
Anything additional happened between them and now?
Unless the hanhalah are all really heartless, there must be more to the story than sending such an email a few days before pesach and 2 months before school year end.
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abound




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:04 am
This must be so hard for you!!
try not to tell him he was expelled, try to say you decided to homeschool him for the last 2 months.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 12:10 am
They kept him till 8th grade and now they want to kick him out 2 months before he graduates?
It sounds obnoxious to me. Did he get into a high school? Worse comes to worse, at least he can go to a new school come September.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 5:19 am
That's so horrible. People push to get into schools in kindergarten, is there anyone who can help you push to get them to reconsider and find some compromise? Come just for part of the day or something?
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ysydmom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 6:10 am
this is so painful. so sorry you are going through this. Can you reach out to someone on the board? can you email back and ask what steps you can take to keep in school? what about putting your son on meds or working on behavioral issues together with the school?
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rachelli66




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 6:21 am
My thoughts are with you OP. How can an 8th grade Manahel tell a child not to come back? I would be bawling my eyes out right now. I hope you can sit with the Hanhalla of the school and discuss this.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 7:39 am
Ok- with more thought, I also ask if the school is letting him graduate with the class. I realized that I know someone who stopped coming to school halfway through 8th grade in one of my dc's class and was home/privately schooled, and in retrospect, may have been asked to not attend. The student came back and graduated with the class. Most of the students had an understanding that the student was kind of doing their own thing and didn't matvh up so well educationally with the school and didn't want to be there anyway. It was understood the family was biding time unti high school, which was already set up and appropriately chosen.

The family hired tutors and kodesh teachers. It wasn't great but it was ok. High school is bli ayin hara going well. I would push the school to tell you what setup can be arranged that allows dc to graduate with the class and still be a part of it in some way, even if it's part of the day.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 7:45 am
Did this come completely out of the blue?

Is this the first indication you've had that expulsion might be a possibility? Did you try any of the things they suggested?

If you had no idea this was coming, push hard for him to stay. They can't just kick him out at this stage. I would focus on getting him into an appropriate high school.

I know you want him in a very RW environment , but often the schools with a more secular outlook are the ones best equipped to help a kid who's not learning according to the standard playbook. In the long term, a school like that may leave him with a more positive attitude to learning and to religion in general. Something to consider.
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Highstrung




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 7:49 am
OP, this is so painful to read. You deserved a phone call. Basic respect. If it needed to be in writing, they could have written you an email afterward “Dear Mrs X, per our phone conversation ….” , but at least talk to you like a mentch first . You deserve that respect.
Secondly , your poor son. The pain of rejection is so damaging . The pain of a mother seeing her son rejected , is even more damaging. Ouch.
I don’t have answers. HaShem should connect you to the right shaliach so that the process will be easy for you and your son and may you be zoche to find a yeshiva where your son will feel loved and cherished, regardless of his issues.
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amother
Chicory


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 8:04 am
It’s April. Must be this boy already has high school plans laid out. OP might do well to use these two months to ensure he is properly prepared for high school, tutors and behavioral therapists and whatever needs to be done. If he has been “not able to sit” through eight years of elementary school nothing will magically change now without help. Look toward the future, OP, and work on preparing to make his high school experience a success.

And, yes, it would be nice if you could have a respectful conversation with the menahel about at least letting him be at graduation with the rest of the class.
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 8:30 am
I think amothers Gardenia and Chicory have the right idea.

OP, the school says your son is "very behind because he can't sit." But you shouldn't only rely on their feedback.

Do you feel that you truly understand what is going on? Being unable to sit can be the issue (eg ADHD), or it can be the result of an underlying learning issue. When a kid has major gaps in underlying skills and can't even begin to follow what the class is doing, it's very hard to sit and behave. If someone plopped me into a Chinese Language IV class for 4 hours a day, surrounded by kids who aced Chinese I, II, and III, I'd be miserable and act out too.

Have you or your husband independently sat down with your son to observe him work through a page of Chumash with Rashi, some gemara with Rashi? Can he fluently read out loud? Is he familiar with basic vocabulary? Are his skills solid and the only issue is behavioral?
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banana123




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 31 2023, 9:19 am
I might be really wrong here. But I would pretend I didn't see the email. Send him back as usual and see what happens. If you get a phone call then you say, "Oh you emailed me about that? Whoops. With Pesach I've been pretty busy and haven't checked email too often. (Hopefully that is true for you, for me it is.) Let's set a time to chat face-to-face together with [the teacher, school counselor, child's therapist, whoever you want] to figure out how to best help the child and brainstorm solutions. What day and time are good for you?"
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