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amother
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 Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:37 pm
A family friend, a woman in her late middle age, tries to pressure kids to hug her or say hello. I won’t make my kids hug someone they don’t want to, and DD3 is particularly afraid of this woman. The woman, when a kid doesn’t want to hug her, will pretend to cry or make an exaggerated sad face and say “you hurt my feelings!”
I just take dd to the other room when she comes in, or pick her up and let her hide and then deflect for her, but it makes me so uncomfortable and I feel it’s so wrong to manipulate children like that, every time I want to say something to her. I’m not confrontational, and DH says I should not offend her and she doesn’t mean anything by it, so I don’t say anything. But I feel bad knowing other children are being treated this way and feel like I should tell her it’s not ok. What would you do?
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BrisketBoss
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Fri, Mar 31 2023, 1:48 pm
You can say, "My child gives hugs when she feels comfortable hugging. I'm the same way!'
Explicitly pointing it out may not work. Many people in her cohort are like this unfortunately. New generation is learning to respect children.
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BrisketBoss
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Sat, Apr 01 2023, 6:46 pm
| amother Tealblue wrote: | First, she isn't being manipulative. It does sound like she's socially off. Do you think she's damaging your kids? Or they just think she's weird? If you or they are getting creepy vibes you can talk to them or her about it.
Aside from that, do your parents give your kids hugs without asking first? It could be you just don't like it when she does it because she has a very different cultural perspective. Maybe work out those feelings? |
No one should be hugging anyone who doesn't want the hug. I hope her parents don't do this! And yes, it's manipulative. Adults are responsible for their own feelings. It is harmful to small children to suggest otherwise.
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imasinger
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Sat, Apr 01 2023, 6:51 pm
| amother Peach wrote: | | I’ve had similar, I just say to the child right in front of the person “Sweetie it’s okay, you know you get to choose if you want to give someone a hug or not, giving hugs is by your choice!” And hope they get the message. It also helps that I am in fact reiterating a message I’ve already been giving the child, safe touch and all that. |
This. And what BrisketBoss said.
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ora_43
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 6:33 am
I'd tell her that we're trying to avoid that kind of messaging with the kids.
Eg something like, "Listen, friend, I know you're just joking around with the kids when you say they hurt your feelings by not hugging you, but I'd prefer to avoid that kind of messaging with them. It's really important for me that my kids understand that they don't have to touch anyone if they don't want to, and also, that they are never responsible for a grownup's feelings. Again, I know you don't mean anything bad by it. But in the future please make it clear that it's OK if they don't hug you, and that you aren't really sad about it. I think it's really important that they get that message, especially from you since you're a family friend."
Basically give her a very generous "of course it's not you being inappropriate, but I need to avoid this messaging because other people might be inappropriate."
(she is being inappropriate. I hate it when adults don't treat kids like full human beings. but this lets her save face.)
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ora_43
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 6:38 am
I also think it's a good opportunity to reinforce what your 3yo is doing right. Like, tell her explicitly, "Thank you for telling me that (Pushy Friend) is making you uncomfortable and you don't want to hug her. You never have to hug someone if you don't want to."
And in the moment, if Pushy Friend is pushing for a hug, go ahead and prioritize your dd over her. Meaning, if what you want to model for your dd is "this is a very reasonable boundary and nobody has the right to demand you hug them," go ahead and say "dd doesn't want to give hugs right now" (instead of eg a softer, "oh, she's tired" or whatever excuse). If Pushy Friend's feelings are hurt, oh well. It's better to risk the more-than-grown adult's fragile ego than the 3-year-old's basic sense of safety
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