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Rappel
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 Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:24 am
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Somewhere between 4.5-5.5, kids go through a mini teenagehood. It's developmentally normal, and just requires the same firm parenting boundaries and love you always used. It will pass.
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Rappel
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:26 am
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Last edited by Rappel on Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:27 am; edited 1 time in total
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Rappel
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:39 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Any tips for dealing with it? I’m losing my mind. He bothers his siblings and just intensifies his destructive efforts when I try to stop him. I keep telling him I love him no matter what , even if I’m upset about a behavior I still love him because I think he just can’t handle me being upset with him but I’m just not reaching him. |
In my household, a child whom is not acting nicely in the group gets sent to his bed for a cooling off period, until he can play nicely with others again.
Sometimes I tell him how long he'll be in time-out; sometimes I tell him he can come back when he can behave himself. If something really bad happened on the way, then he's not allowed off the bed until I come back and we have a guided discussion on appropriate behaviours and responses.
I don't let him tantrum in the main space- that's just feeding the behaviour by giving him everyone's attention.
I tell the child he needs focus time now, and needs to go to his bed. If he refuses, I say I will count, and then help him get to his bed. I count. I take him to his bed, no discussion or sympathy on the way. I go get a piece of chocolate to reward myself for maintaining my cool. Wash, rinse, repeat.
After many times of being firm and consistent, the child learns that I mean business, and goes when I tell him to. He's allowed to take a toy or book with himself to bed while taking his focus time. It helps his brain fall back into place, and doesn't allow harm to other children/himself while he's dealing with complex emotions.
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Rappel
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:42 am
| amother OP wrote: | | Any tips for dealing with it? I’m losing my mind. He bothers his siblings and just intensifies his destructive efforts when I try to stop him. I keep telling him I love him no matter what , even if I’m upset about a behavior I still love him because I think he just can’t handle me being upset with him but I’m just not reaching him. |
"I love you" is not for tantrum-time. He doesn't need positive reinforcement for stressed behaviour.
He needs help learning how to manage the stress appropriately - it's an opportunity to build life skills.
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amother
Slateblue
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:43 am
| Rappel wrote: | In my household, a child whom is not acting nicely in the group gets sent to his bed for a cooling off period, until he can play nicely with others again.
Sometimes I tell him how long he'll be in time-out; sometimes I tell him he can come back when he can behave himself. If something really bad happened on the way, then he's not allowed off the bed until I come back and we have a guided discussion on appropriate behaviours and responses.
I don't let him tantrum in the main space- that's just feeding the behaviour by giving him everyone's attention.
I tell the child he needs focus time now, and needs to go to his bed. If he refuses, I say I will count, and then help him get to his bed. I count. I take him to his bed, no discussion or sympathy on the way. I go get a piece of chocolate to reward myself for maintaining my cool. Wash, rinse, repeat.
After many times of being firm and consistent, the child learns that I mean business, and goes when I tell him to. He's allowed to take a toy or book with himself to bed while taking his focus time. It helps his brain fall back into place, and doesn't allow harm to other children/himself while he's dealing with complex emotions. |
What ages would you say this approach is appropriate for?
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Rappel
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Sun, Apr 02 2023, 12:56 am
3-6, depending on the child. I haven't crossed farther than that bridge yet, so I can't judge what children older than that might need.
The key here is to teach the child:
*You're feeling overwhelmed, this isn't what you want to be doing
*You need to make a space/time where you can calm down without hurting anybody
*You did it? Great! What happened, what needs to be fixed, and how do you fix it as you go forward?
Basically, if they're already in full blow out: teaching them how to master their emotions without hurting anyone, and how to do teshuvah for whatever they did wrong, so they can rejoin the family society happily and healthily.
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