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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Giving "the talk" to my 10 yr old daughter advice
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:22 pm
I've done this before but can't remember what I said! Can someone please summarize what I should say to my daughter when explaining how mother's get pregnant? (just plain frum for reference) Beyond the one sentence fact of how the p goes into the v. And yes I will use the real words. I think this will be her first time hearing about this and I want to give her minimal info but factual information in a sensitive way that also makes it sound nice and not something she'll dread or be afraid of. Do I mention it's pleasurable? Something that she will want to do one day? I don't want to be directed to a speech, I don't have time to listen with pesach. I prefer some good pointers and I'll use what speaks to me.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:29 pm
I think there’s a pinned thread somewhere with a very good script.

May I ask what made you decide to do it now? Just wondering because My own dc is 9.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:33 pm
10 year old?

Am I living in an alternate universe? Why would you want to rob her of her childhood?

I learned this info in high school and life was awesome. Why would a typical frum 10 year old girl attending a same gender school need to know how one gets pregnant?
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amother
Broom


 

Post Tue, Apr 04 2023, 10:37 pm
I'm seriously curious why it's necessary to explain the details of s-x, HOW TO become pregnant to such a young kid?
They don't have filters yet, and are bound to repeat it to friends at some point.
What's the issue with saying basics without details of married life?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 2:19 am
amother Broom wrote:
I'm seriously curious why it's necessary to explain the details of s-x, HOW TO become pregnant to such a young kid?
They don't have filters yet, and are bound to repeat it to friends at some point.
What's the issue with saying basics without details of married life?


Exactly for the reason that kids repeat it to their friends and I want her to hear it from me instead of from her friends. Maybe it's too early. What would the right age be?
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 2:26 am
She's waaaay too young. Despite all the big talking you see on this board, most frum people do not go into this much detail with a 10-year-old. If this is purely for the good of the child, and not for the satisfaction of seeing her reaction, then keep it as simple and age-appropriate as possible.

Logistics of getting her period now (if you think she's ready) and mention that if she hears anything in school or from her friends she can always come ask you. You'll have time then.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 2:34 am
groisamomma wrote:
She's waaaay too young. Despite all the big talking you see on this board, most frum people do not go into this much detail with a 10-year-old. If this is purely for the good of the child, and not for the satisfaction of seeing her reaction, then keep it as simple and age-appropriate as possible.

Logistics of getting her period now (if you think she's ready) and mention that if she hears anything in school or from her friends she can always come ask you. You'll have time then.


She knows about periods. Her friends told her last year and she came home and told me. I told her the facts and got her the book. I just don't want her friends to tell her about s-x too.

(I would never tell a child just to see their reaction. That's crazy if someone would do that!)
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 2:43 am
amother OP wrote:
She knows about periods. Her friends told her last year and she came home and told me. I told her the facts and got her the book. I just don't want her friends to tell her about s-x too.

(I would never tell a child just to see their reaction. That's crazy if someone would do that!)


Wow, at 9 years old? Poor kids. They're barely out of third grade!

You can bring it up in very general terms but I wouldn't provide as much detail as you wrote at all. Does she even know the names of the relevant body parts of a male? Too much info at one time will only overwhelm her and induce anxiety.
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amother
Broom


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 2:45 am
It's truly toooooo early to give her details about the birds and bees. So unnecessary at this age.

If you truly believe that it's crucial that a child get the information when they're young, you have time when she's a teenager.
(I don't believe it enhances their life in any way, to know all before they get to shidduchim age, but to each their own.)

Talking about period is completely different. This is the time to tell her about it, before she actually gets it and freaks out.

S-x and marriage, is not necessary as of yet.
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amother
Clover


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:03 am
amother OP wrote:
I've done this before but can't remember what I said! Can someone please summarize what I should say to my daughter when explaining how mother's get pregnant? (just plain frum for reference) Beyond the one sentence fact of how the p goes into the v. And yes I will use the real words. I think this will be her first time hearing about this and I want to give her minimal info but factual information in a sensitive way that also makes it sound nice and not something she'll dread or be afraid of. Do I mention it's pleasurable? Something that she will want to do one day? I don't want to be directed to a speech, I don't have time to listen with pesach. I prefer some good pointers and I'll use what speaks to me.


I talked about attraction.
Because they cannot fathom how you can do it with someone as disgusting as a boy Very Happy
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amother
Clover


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:03 am
amother Wheat wrote:
10 year old?

Am I living in an alternate universe? Why would you want to rob her of her childhood?

I learned this info in high school and life was awesome. Why would a typical frum 10 year old girl attending a same gender school need to know how one gets pregnant?


Because that’s the right thing to do
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amother
Clover


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:05 am
amother OP wrote:
She knows about periods. Her friends told her last year and she came home and told me. I told her the facts and got her the book. I just don't want her friends to tell her about s-x too.

(I would never tell a child just to see their reaction. That's crazy if someone would do that!)


Okay, „chinuch experts“ advice that all should be explained before puberty. So your intention is correct
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amother
Jade


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:05 am
amother NeonPink wrote:
I think there’s a pinned thread somewhere with a very good script.

May I ask what made you decide to do it now? Just wondering because My own dc is 9.

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....97767
This has lots of links with scripts etc.
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:09 am
groisamomma wrote:
Wow, at 9 years old? Poor kids. They're barely out of third grade!

You can bring it up in very general terms but I wouldn't provide as much detail as you wrote at all. Does she even know the names of the relevant body parts of a male? Too much info at one time will only overwhelm her and induce anxiety.


I got my period at 9.5 years old and was traumatized because I had no idea what was happening and thought something was really wrong with me. You'd better believe that I taught my daughters about puberty and periods when they turned 9 so they would have a much better experience than I did! I didn't give the s-x talk at that point though.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:35 am
My mother told me about periods when I was 9.
When I was 10 a friend told me about s-x and I asked my mom if it was true and she filled in some details.
If you want to be the first to tell your daughter about it, it's not too early.

Definitely say that it's pleasurable and it belongs in the context of marriage.
She will probably think its gross and will say "I'll never do that"
Completely normal
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DustyDiamonds




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 3:41 am
I’m in my 40’s and when I was 11 I read about s-x in an age appropriate library book. And when I had been 10, a friend told me how she’d read in her mom’s book that a man undressed himself and his lady friend and then lay on top of her, and I was taken aback.

We were pretty sheltered frum kids. I don’t think it’s too early. But it does depend on the kid’s maturity, how much detail to share.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 4:31 am
groisamomma wrote:
Wow, at 9 years old? Poor kids. They're barely out of third grade!

You can bring it up in very general terms but I wouldn't provide as much detail as you wrote at all. Does she even know the names of the relevant body parts of a male? Too much info at one time will only overwhelm her and induce anxiety.


The lowest age for period is 9 and you are supposed to explain it before, so they are not traumatized. Ergo you need a period talk very early.
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amother
Raspberry


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 4:33 am
imaima wrote:
The lowest age for period is 9 and you are supposed to explain it before, so they are not traumatized. Ergo you need a period talk very early.

Period talk yes but not sx ed
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amother
Clover


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 4:36 am
amother Raspberry wrote:
Period talk yes but not sx ed


The book by Sara Diament says to explain both before puberty.
Really in the age of Chaim Walder, how can anyone argue with this?
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Wed, Apr 05 2023, 5:00 am
I think 10 is the perfect age. No one actually finds this out in high school for the first time lol. When I was 8 a school friend told me all the facts. Really wish I hadn't learned that way. I was horrified. And I grew up very frum and very sheltered and this 8 year old friend was also from a very frum family.
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