DH says to Ignore Chutzpah

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 8:50 am

We've tried different therapists about this difference in outlook and have been unsuccessful. My husband either chooses to ignore the nastiest remarks by teens (you're crazy, etc) or when he DOES rarely comment, they respond more nastily. I say comments mean nothing to them. I want to offer consequences. He says we should just live with it. I feel it makes me sick. Therapists have never helped with this issue. DH absolutely refuses to offer consequences for Chutzpah. Teens have ridiculous reasons that they're allowed to be Chutzpahdik. WWYD?

Imaonwheels

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 8:57 am

Chutzpah is totally not a therapy issue and he is out of his expertise. It is a chinuch issue and if you need advice from an educational advisor, an experienced mechanech who also has an understanding of shlaom bayis.

DH has to agree to listen as well because if you two can't get on the same page teens will crawl right through the crack between you on their way out and take their respect and questions elsewhere.

amother

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 9:07 am

Imaonwheels wrote:

DH has to agree to listen as well because if you two can't get on the same page teens will crawl right through the crack between you on their way out and take their respect and questions elsewhere.

Very true. Anyone effective that you can recommend? We haven't found anyone. People like R' Brezak teach in their seminars to be soft and nice. We are soooo soft and nice we're getting trampled on.

Imaonwheels

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 1:24 pm

I am in israel so I don't know if I can help.

I have guidelines I often give over though.

1. The persons training should be in education, not psychology, counseling, etc. from a frum place.
2. They should not be a young person but someone with years of successful experience dealing with boys your ds's age.
3. Because your ds and dh are pivotal to success here the person should most certainly be male.
4. It may be helpful for you to find a woman who has done this age already and has done a good job, or a mechanechet and get advice and guidance from her as well.
4. The person also has to be able to build a rapport with your dh. Avoid the "young and dynamic lets be friends types".

And in cases where parents mamash cannot agree then dorm is almost always the best solution. Male discipline is crucial and if Abba doesn't give it the rav or RY should.

amother

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 1:28 pm

Believe it or not, it's girls (mainly one).

octopus

Sun, Jun 29 2008, 1:47 pm

sara chana radcliffe.
She has a video log on aish.com. She speaks about parenting teenagers. She also has a website and put out a book how to raise your kids without raising your voices. She is fabulous.
Watch her video log on teenagers on aish.com.
I think you would like her response.

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