If your Mom kept a dirty/messy house -- UPDATE!

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Forum -> Household Management -> Cleaning & Laundry

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amother

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:03 pm

Were you able to break that cycle?

I'd like to but I'm already in my early 30s and it hasn't happened yet.

Any advice from people who grew up in a messy house and never learned clean housekeeping habits, but managed on their own as an adult?

amother

Dodgerblue

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:05 pm

No advice. I'm a bit younger than you and I'm still training myself to see messes to even do anything about them

amother

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:11 pm

My mom didn't clean every day or even every other day, more like a few times a month. I've been doing once a week for a while, and as you can imagine, even the day after my house is quite messy, and 6 days after it looks like a disaster zone. I just can't get myself to clean every day though.

amother

Cerise

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:14 pm

I feel ya so much!

What I found that helped me was cleaning help, guidance from my friend who is an organizer on what to buy and systems to make life easier, and involving the kids in clean up (throwing out their garbage, putting away their toys, etc.).

Also, didn't hurt that my husband is VERY into a clean home, so he helps when necessary.

Definitely a lot of work, easier said than done. Much hatzlacha to you!

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:21 pm

It's hard if you don't have cleaning help. Routines help. Supper over have everyone bring dishes to the sink, kids walk into the house coats straight into the closet, kids play, have them clean that toy before taking out another. If you break it down into small tasks that happen all day attached to the messy activity it's easier to keep under control. Also purge tons, if you don't use it don't keep it.

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:21 pm

It helps that my husband loves keeping things neat. So he's usually the one walking around the house putting stuff away.
I have cleaning help twice a week, that keeps things fresh. Without that I don't think I would get around to cleaning too much. I'm not talking about the table or dishes, I'm talking about the bigger stuff like floors, bathrooms etc...
Funny thing is that when I was growing up, compared to the rest of the house, I was considered the neat freak. Always organizing the closets, keeping my drawer tidy, just cleaning my own space. But when I got married I was such a slob compared to dh.

amother

Bone

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:25 pm

It is very very hard. I never ever made my bed my entire life. Still don't. I grew up in extreme clutter which has now become hoarding but I don't remember being that bad. It is hard to break the cycle but I have become so "mad" at possessions for overtaking my families life that I have worked on stopping to bring things in as much. You can't really clean around clutter. This is a work on progress. Another thing is we have two dishwashers thank you Hashem. I don't think it would ever get done if needed to do by hand. I know this because Pesach was a disaster. I have cleaning help 1x that helps reset the house. My husband helps a bit. But no, my house is NOT clean and it is a big source of stress and sometimes shame for me.

amother

Cherry

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:36 pm

Nope. My mom has long relied on full time cleaning help, and so do I. It's the adhd. I have it, and while mom was never diagnosed, I'm fairly certain she has it too.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:38 pm

Another poster already said it.
I run a super-organized home. But I take after Dad more....it's only as my daughter grew up and was diagnosed with ADD that I started understanding my Mom.
I try to prepare my daughter with different skills, hope she will cope better.

amother

Lime

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:45 pm

I broke the cycle. But I always craved order and once I was on my own kept everything perfectly clean.
When my family grew I had to learn to let go a bit, but struggled with that because I was always afraid my house will turn into my moms house.

amother

Teal

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:49 pm

My mom runs a perfect home. My MIL on the other hand, her house is always a mess. That's how DH grew up and he's bh gone a long way since. He was used to a messy house, so I basically had to train him to keep things neat and clean. He still has a way to go, but bh he came a very very long way & I learnt to let go a bit as well.

oneofakind

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:51 pm

Mom is ADHD and a bit of a hoarder. Dad was more organized. I taught myself to clean as I go, buy something to wear - discard something, open mail over a garbage can, have an accordion envelope for important papers, file away the rest, every item needs a home.
I also learned from other people and their mothers.
Good luck

amother

Mustard

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 1:58 pm

My parents home was dirty and messy. My father is mildly a hoarder, stemming from a financial place. So he hates throwing anything away because you might need it, you might have to buy a new one, it's a waste of money, etc. My mother, who is too nice for her own good, never put her foot down. Their house is stuffed to the brim with things.

I always dreamed of having an empty closet to put my stuff in. Rather than have it chock full of things that will never fit anyone nor anything anyone will want to wear. To empty my dresser drawers. To have a clean, empty counter to bake cookies without balancing things on the edge. It was impossible in my parents house. For my mother- because it is REALLY hard to keep things clean with so much stuff. And obviously for me- because I was just a child and my opinion was not valued.

Now, in my own house, I push myself to throw things away. Regularly. It is hard though. But I feel lighter and not weighed down once I just do it. Also, it helps that my husband is the opposite of a hoarder BH and he loves throwing away junk and clutter.

And regarding cleaning specifically- this is something I really struggle with. It's just not ingrained in me to change linen and towels weekly, sweep every night, wipe down counters all the time. So things are not tip top clean, but I think within normal limits. And my husband helps a lot with cleaning or we have cleaning help to do bathrooms, floors, and some basic tidying up.

But I enjoy the open space my home has compared to how I grew up.

amother

Dahlia

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:23 pm

This is a huge struggle. I go through better and worse phases. I rely a lot on cleaning help even when finances are really tight and I work very hard on new systems and decluttering all the time. I'm constantly reevaluating to try and make it work better. It takes so much mental and emotional space. I'm hoping I'm setting my kids up to have an easier time.

On my best days my house is still messier then my mother-in-law's house on her average day but on my worst days it's still neater than my mother's house on an average day.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:58 pm

It depends if it’s just nurture—breaking what you got accustomed to when growing up-or also nature.
If both mother and daughter have add/adhd, it’s a lot harder.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:02 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

It depends if it’s just nurture—breaking what you got accustomed to when growing up-or also nature.
If both mother and daughter have add/adhd, it’s a lot harder.

ETA: Speaking from my experience.

amother

Darkblue

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:05 pm

It's a huge struggle. The hardest part is not keeping the house clean and organized (though, that's challenging and requires thought) it's building a normal ground and being ok with a drop off mess and dirt. I am doing better but I used to feel tremendous shame when really my house was just typical messy with little kids and I would apologize all the time. I've learnt that there's a spectrum and there's healthy (clean toilets etc.) and normal, acceptable mess.
Give yourself some grace, as I try to give myself. After every family visit, my DH will remark incredulously how different I am than my parents and he's in awe of how functional I keep our home despite having been taught none of it.

amother

Scarlet

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:48 pm

Get cleaning help! If you're not a neat person by nature, it's very difficult!

TravelHearter

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:52 pm

Yes, but because it’s my personality. I enjoy a clean, uncluttered home and surfaces and I work hard to get there. My house is always flying because of my kids BH but I do the best I can.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:59 pm

Growing up my mother had full time help and I am a super organizer and cleaner so her house was neat. Now she doesn't have as much help and I'm not there so when I go back I find it to be not so clean.
My house is very clean and very organized. It comes naturally to me. Nobody else in my family is like me. All of my sisters houses are a wreck.

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