Hate how husband parents

amother

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:14 am

It's really triggering for me when my husband yells at our toddler as if he's a big kid. Like if he'll start tantruming he'll immediately say "stop crying you don't have to keep doing this!"

He treats our toddlers as if they're grown up and shouldn't cry or tantrum or fight. In my view they're acting perfectly normal for their age and it bothers me deeply when dh yells at them. I just don't want to keep being so triggered. He knows my viewpoint but he still has this attitude of kids should be seen not heard kind of thing. He doesn't admit it but this is how he acts. I'm like why have kids then?

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:19 am

What if you told him you’ll take care of it and he can just walk away.
Or tell him “it’s so hard but the kid really needs a hug to help calm down not words”

But I’d go with just tell him you’ll deal with it and he can go on a walk

amother

Hosta

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:32 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

I'm not OP. But my dh would say that if the kid keeps screaming, this time and repeatedly after, that doesn't count as doing anything about it. And that just going and hugging him is coddling, because the kid needs to learn that this is the time to be quiet and not disturb his parents. And especially if the parents are trying to talk to each other or spend time and then the kid screams and gets the attention, that's a problem. So he will deal with it.

Realistically, my dh can't handle the noise and the chaos and the like. Si he is more likely to be reactive like this if it all feels like too much. I often feel like that too, but that doesn't seem relevant.

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 11:36 am

Idk I put my toddlers down for a nap when they tantrum, unless the tantrum is for something specific like they're hungry/need to be changed/got hurt and need to calm down/will accept being picked up and soothed. It depends how long the kid is screaming for and if they're in a rage and don't let themselves be calmed down.

amother

Sage

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:30 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

so you put your toddler down for a nap five times a day?

amother

Hawthorn

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:34 pm

amother Sage wrote:

so you put your toddler down for a nap five times a day?

I take them out when they calm down. It usually helps them calm down faster, so often not more than a few minutes.

amother

Crystal

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 1:48 pm

Raising kids without raising your voice is a great book.
If you learn it together it can give your husband great tools to use without resorting to yelling.

At the same time, reassure yourself that millions of kids have been raised by parents who occasionally yelled at them and they still grew up to be healthy, well adjusted adults who felt loved and appreciated. Your husband will not destroy your child if he occasionally yells out of frustration.

amother

Pistachio

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 2:21 pm

amother Crystal wrote:

It hurts to hear the yelling and see the crying. This was our house. Kids are pretty much grown now... everyone grew up fine until I found out two months ago 24 DS has been seeing a therapist and feels because dh yelled at him to stop crying and was a yeller in general(his house growing up was loud- so this is what he knew) it has caused him to disassociate and now we are all in family therapy. (I personally think the therapist that he is currently seeing and diagnosed him is only cuasinf =g more issues, but I can't say anything. Thank goodness the family therapist we found gets it.

My advice is if you can get him to read any of the books suggested or speak to a therpaist to create better options that you both agree on- this may help.

My heart is broken....

imaima

Sun, Apr 30 2023, 2:34 pm

You are correct and he needs to hear from someone knowledgeable that his behavior is unacceptable.
It’s not just an unpleasant variation of a norm - it is abusive to the child and needs to stop.
It will be hard to stop the yelling but it doesn’t take long to learn that a little child indeed cannot stop crying so easily and shouldn’t be shushed snd yelled at for his convenience.