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What should I have done?



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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:09 pm
This evening I was triggered by a toxic adult family member yelling at me, so I yelled at my daughter (5). I apologized to her after about 20 seconds, and told her to make it up to her I'd buy her (and her siblings) junk food from the store and let them watch tv that evening.

I had to go shopping anyway, so I bought my stuff + ice cream and chocolate covered pretzels for the kids. If I hadn't yelled, I probably would have gotten them all one small chocolate candy. I do let them watch tv anyway in the evening, but I probably would have let them watch about 45 min if I hadn't yelled, and since I yelled I let them watch about an hour and a half.

So obviously, I need to work on yelling at my kids as a trigger reaction to how other people treat me, but after the fact of me yelling and apologizing, what should I do? Does letting the kids have treats because I yelled make things better or worse?

My mom was abusive and never, ever, ever apologized for anything. I know that apologizing is very important, but don't know whether the addition of treats helps "make up for it" or is sending a bad message.
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:11 pm
I think apologizing is enough.

Kids can sense more than you think and all that bribery is sending the wrong message.
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amother
Mayflower


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:14 pm
amother Junglegreen wrote:
I think apologizing is enough.

Kids can sense more than you think and all that bribery is sending the wrong message.


Agree, apology and hug
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Sun, Apr 30 2023, 12:15 pm
Apologizing is good. Controlling yourself is better.

Treats are wrong. You are manipulating your mind I. Thinking you made it up to them. You didn’t and you can’t. The only way you can make it up to them is by controlling yourself next time. Candy will never do it.

Next time you are triggered, tell daughter “ I need to go to my room to calm down” take a shower, zone out on a movie,-get yourself together before facing her.

It’s ok if your daughter is crying by your door. As long as she’s safe.

Over time and practice you will be able to control your self in the moment
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