Son pulled off my head covering.

amother

Wed, May 03 2023, 5:20 am

It was at home and no one was even around but Im so upset.

Hes 7 and has high functioning ASD.
Hes in a regular school has friends etc.

He has an inability to calm down when hes upset.
I can see in his mood, that its almost like his apetite cant be satiated if he doesnt give back the correct 'punishment.'
He cannot let go.

He was telling me that I should "thank him" for getting out of bed.
I calmly told him Im happy he did but he shouldnt tell me to say thank you.

He crept up on me and pulled it off.
Im really really upset.
He knew jolly well 100% not age appropriate.
I told him if my 3 yo would do it Id still be really annoyed.

Chickensoupprof

Wed, May 03 2023, 5:29 am

Ok, it’s not nice but it’s not imho a big thing. I would tell him “mummy is really upset that u put off her tichel, we don’t tear each other clothes of its not nice” or something like that when u are calm down and that should be it. He didn’t steal, he didn’t hit h with a knife he took away ur tichel. But ey raising up other people children is the easiest job ever

imasinger

Wed, May 03 2023, 6:12 am

Sounds like classic attention seeking. He felt he deserved full attention, you weren't interested, he went for the negative attention since he couldn't get the positive.

Bingo. You gave him tons of attention.

Why was he saying you should thank him?

Has getting out of bed on time been challenging for him? Was today particularly difficult?

If you have a kid who's likely a black and white thinker, it's probably helpful to model flexible thinking on your part. There are many ways to acknowledge his efforts that might have satisfied, without quibbling over the wording. Or just thank him, why not? Here are a few possible responses, offered with great enthusiasm.

"Wow, it sounds like you really had to put in extra effort for that, good for you!"

"Thank you -- when you do your part, it not only helps you, it also helps the whole family."

"I'm proud of you, honey. Good for you!"

I doubt it's as much about the exact wording as it is about the positive energy and the focus on him.

Do your best to reward positive action with positive attention, and to minimize reaction to negative actions. A quick, calm, "whoops, we never touch a tichel on a head, 5 minute timeout", then completely ignoring, followed hopefully by enthusiastic praise for taking the timeout well, might be more productive. (If he doesn't do timeout, that's another issue.)

These matters are helpful to discuss with a therapist if he has one, and you might find the Nurtured Heart Approach something worth reading about.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, May 03 2023, 6:58 am

I don't have advice but my son is exactly the same, where he can't calm down unless he feels the correct punishment in his head happened. So if a sibling hurt him, he will not forget and try to hurt back even hours later.
Just sending hugs - since he is in regular school most people don't realize how difficult it is to raise a HFA kid

TwinsMommy

Wed, May 03 2023, 7:40 am

honestly? If my kids with autism are pulling off my tichel but not punching, strangling, or biting me, I say nothing. I just put it back on. Yup, even in public. One time at a Shabbos lunch at friends' home---- the husband simply turned away while I put it back on. No big deal.

Not to minimize your feelings, because we all have big feelings, but I feel like with high functioning autism we have much bigger fish to fry.

pinkpeonies

Wed, May 03 2023, 7:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks.

Literally looking for sympaty. Lol

Feel like the only one in the world sometimes.

Sorry he is nearly 9, mistake in OP.

I have an 8 year old who has a hard time getting up in the morning. I always compliment him/thank him for getting up. Why didn’t you want to? Was it because he asked you and you felt it was inappropriate to ask to be thanked for getting up?
He’s asking you because he needed it. Don’t let your ego get in the way, just say “oh wow dovi, thank you so much for getting up!”
We are never too old to have our hard work (in this case getting out of bed) acknowledged

And yes, he was just pulling it off because he needed some attention from you. My son could act extremely impulsively and silly at times. It’s normal

amother

Wed, May 03 2023, 2:50 pm

Thanks so much for all the replies.
I really appreciate others replying who are in similar situations.

He hurts a lot too.

Especially me more then my husband.

He got out of bed and 'commands' me to say thank you.
He stands there and says "say thank you for me getting out of bed".

Often I do cos its just far too hard to lige with the consequences but I really feel is about him telling me what to do that makes me really upset.

Often before bed il help him get undressed just beause it can be soo much quicker.
And hel make stupid jokes and call me the maid and say things like "how many rubles do I owe you?"

imasinger

Wed, May 03 2023, 6:02 pm

Have you ever found a quiet moment in the day where you can find out why he's demanding that you thank him for getting out of bed? You may have to give him a menu of possibilities to see which fits, not all kids in general, let alone with HFA can figure themselves out.

And also why he's joking about you being the maid. Maybe he's both grateful for, and embarrassed by, the help? I'd encourage you to consider letting go of helping him, and instead, arrange extra time, plus good checklists and meaningful rewards (could be some minutes later bedtime), rather than continuing to help him physically.