"Why are you moving?" The real story

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following Log in

Join Now

| | | | |

1, 2 Next

Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Moving/ Relocating

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Sat, May 06 2023, 11:27 pm

I don't think I'll ever share the real reason why we're leaving the small town we love if you ask me in person. To everyone who asks, we're moving for a different reason. It's not about the job, the school, the house... it's something that probably will shock you.

It's being the subject matter in the loshon hora circle. Being the family people gossip about. The endless rumors constantly being spread and changing about all of us. And the damage it's doing to my children, my marriage, and my career.

Hearing from someone that in a loshon hora circle, someone announced that I said my darling child is failing socially and academically.
Hearing from my children that their friends parents heard that we are poor.
Hearing from a family member that someone in the community heard we're wealthy and stingy.
Hearing from community members at a kiddush that I reportedly said my husband has quit his job.
Hearing from the school principal that we're rumored to be moving to Alaska because they have benefits.
Hearing that I'm rumored to be pregnant.
Hearing that I'm rumored to have a secret past.
Hearing that I have shared secret details about people's lives with others.
Hearing that our marriage is in trouble.
Hearing that I'm a serial liar.

And all of this is completely false.

I don't hold hard feelings. I'm sure that I spread some rumors in the past, especially as a teen. It's hard to be quiet when people are asking if you know about so-and-so, and you think you should be in the know. It's hard to not join in when pressured. I don't resent the people who said awful things about us even though it affected my children. I don't resent the people who said things that affected our marriage. I don't resent the people who said nothing when these rumblings were repeated and embellished. I don't resent the ones who created and spread the lies that led no one in the community to want to hire me because I can't be trusted to keep their private lives private. They were messengers from Hashem and I KNOW that zeh magia li.

I've been patient. I've kept my head down. I stay away from those who talk about others to my face, and become more and more isolated as I try to stop feeding the rumors. But it didn't make a difference. They kept spreading and growing, and I'm more and more lonely and scared about what these rumors will do to us in the future. But I'm so done. I'm so out. I'm so finished living in this small out of town community. I'm done being the weekly topic of discussion of the rumor mill. I'm out of patience and calm. I want to scream from the rooftops that I hope to never meet any of you ever ever ever again. I daven that you forget about me because I'm scared your rumors will continue to destroy me. and I hope you stop talking about others, because I don't want anyone to go through this. It's torture.

So yes, I'm doing something crazy. I'm moving back to a very large in town community where everyone has so much to talk about and so much on their minds that my name will never come up. I'm going back to a place where no one on the block will say hi to me until the day we leave. I'm going to a place with schools that are factories, and no one knows who you are, and it feels like no one cares. I'm going to crazy in town life, so that I can escape the other crazy.

Because being the subject of the rumor mill in a small community nearly destroyed me. And I'm done letting it.

128

amother

Tealblue

Sat, May 06 2023, 11:34 pm

Wow that is bizarre and so sad. I grew up in a tiny out of town community where people kept basic hilchos lashon hara and I don’t remember anything like this happening. I hope the people of this town wake up and do teshuva because they are on a path that leads straight to gehinnom.

May your move bring you peace and healing, and you should settle in easily.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, May 06 2023, 11:38 pm

I grew up in a small out of town community and unfortunately, can relate. Out of town communities can definitely have politics and it's terrible. When we were looking for a community to move to, this was one of the things I looked into closely.
I'm sorry OP and hatzlocha with your move.

amother

Skyblue

Sat, May 06 2023, 11:42 pm

I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure.

You would do your community a real service if you told people why you are moving. The whole culture of keeping secrets encourages speculation and gossip.

amother

Sat, May 06 2023, 11:55 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure.

You would do your community a real service if you told people why you are moving. The whole culture of keeping secrets encourages speculation and gossip.

I've thought about it and decided against it because the people doing the talking aren't going to stop or change anything anyway. If I address it, the problem will only grow. I'll continue to be the focus on this garbage in the future, and I just want to disappear.

ShishKabob

Sun, May 07 2023, 12:07 am

I can’t fathom the pain that you are going through! Warm tight hugs and a Bracha that meshaneh makom meshaneh mazel for the better!

amother

Skyblue

Sun, May 07 2023, 12:10 am

amother OP wrote:

You know best. I wish you strength and lots of mazal in your new home.

B'Siyata DiShamaya

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 10:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

So yes, I'm doing something crazy. I'm moving back to a very large in town community where everyone has so much to talk about and so much on their minds that my name will never come up. I'm going back to a place where no one on the block will say hi to me until the day we leave. I'm going to a place with schools that are factories, and no one knows who you are, and it feels like no one cares. I'm going to crazy in town life, so that I can escape the other crazy.

Because being the subject of the rumor mill in a small community nearly destroyed me. And I'm done letting it.

Totally can relate. Its hurtful. You certainly need to move - they dont deserve you. But please dont let what happened change who you are. Since you are starting over, decide to leave the baggage behind with the old neighborhood. Small neighborhoods can be clannish and gossipy but on the flip side they usually rally to support their own.

Perhaps look for a medium size town - for the best of both worlds.
This move can be somewhat traumatic for your kids to go from one extreme to another.

I truly hope you find what you are looking for.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 28 2023, 10:26 pm

I really admire you, OP. You have clarity that this isn't about you, and you are doing what it takes to raise your family in a healthier environment.

May you find what you need.

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Jun 30 2023, 12:54 pm

Wow I'm thinking about u

I hope everything is good for you going forth

I am from a small oot community in a beautiful country, I live in NY now
People ask me if I miss my hometown and why on earth will I move to * they say some not nice adjective* NY.

my truth is little Similar to yours , I hate these tiny yentish communities I absolutely love love NY
Yes expensive small house BUT, everyone is so busy with their own lives you get to actually live peacefully! I LOVE NY!!!

amother

Latte

Fri, Jun 30 2023, 12:59 pm

OP that's awful and I totally relate. I grew up In a tiny community and the loshon hora was constant and awful. Now I live in a huge anonymous city with multiple wonderful Jewish communities and I absolutely love it. Wishing you great success in your move!

amother

Mintgreen

Fri, Jun 30 2023, 1:11 pm

Bizarre really is the right word. I live in a small OOT community and I can’t really imagine this scenario. People are making stuff up right and left or there is some truth to it? Not that it being true makes it even one iota better, no one should be gossiping about anyone, that much is obvious, but do you have any idea why people are doing this? Do they gossip this much about everyone? The whole thing just seems strange.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 2:01 pm

OP, I it must be so painful.
Sadly, it is sometimes easier not to be close to people.

Highstrung

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 2:08 pm

You hear this a lot from non Jews who live in small towns . Everybody knows everything about everybody and nothing is private and they gossip about each other . It’s sad to hear that this exists in frum communities too. May you have lots of hatzlacha on your move and may you find peace of mind and happiness . Mishane Makom Meshane Mazel.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 3:45 pm

I moved in town several years ago because of rumors spread in my hometown by a family member. Not random gossip, malicious and purposeful lies. It affected everything from my kids’ schooling to my husband going to shul. I moved to a place where I know 3 people and no one ever says hello to me. But my kids have friends and no one is harassing me.

amother

Clover

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:30 pm

I get you op. I lived for 8 awful years in a small oot community. I cant say I had it as bad as you, but it totally broke me. I was a young optimistic and somewhat out of the box mother. By the time I left, I was suffering from social anxiety and depression and below zero self esteem it took years to undo the damage. But I moved to a really nice and big community. It wasnt easy and took time before we felt settled, but we never looked back.
In my old community, people would totally ignore me and never even say hello, but they seemed to know everything about me and my family. Here people are so friendly, but even those that I consider good friend might not even know where I work or send my kids to school or whatever.
You should have a lot of hatzlacha with your move. Hugs!!!

amother

Bellflower

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:32 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Are you me??

amother

Sand

Wed, Jul 05 2023, 5:53 pm

As we begin the 3 weeks of mourning I feel like crying reading your message. So sad!
I think you should print that exact message and leave it as you go so at least one person perhaps will learn and do teshuva.

Op just one thing lashon hara also means we are not allowed to believe what people tell us unless we can fact check. I know you're moving already and I wish you much success. Just important to remember we also have to be careful to accept what we are told.

I know people can be mean though or thoughtless and if all this is true it's just absolutely awful. I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I admire your emuna and your strength to forgive.

amother

Arcticblue

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 1:48 am

OOF!

We live OOT and are dying to move even further OOT because of the lashon hara about US!

My husband is a child molester (the truth is he was observed playing with toddlers that aren't his own--- the toddlers LOVED it--- there was NOTHING s-xual or deviant about it).

Our children need to be SMACKED! (we don't spank and the truth is that our children have behavioral challenges, not due to our parenting--- they get a lot of therapy and we're trying hard!)

He's not frum because he doesn't always wear white shirts (we never CLAIMED not to be more modern than our community--- we're FINE with colored shirts--- sorry you're not, people!)

We would LOVE to live in a place where nobody talks about us. But we DID live in a large city before and we simply can't afford it again.

So we're stuck in the fishbowl. SO happy for you that you're getting out and so sorry about your experience!

LovesHashem

Fri, Jul 07 2023, 2:49 am

I'm from OOT from a very small community. Does this happen inarger spaces like Baltimore, Miami, Chicago? Places with more than 200 families?

Page 1 of 2

1, 2 Next