Anxiety related to tzniut and fashion in teenagers

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amother

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:14 pm

My daughter has a tzniut workshop in school. She is already so particular about her appearance that it is hard to get her out of the house sometimes or packed for a trip, etc etc. She has a lot of anxiety about appearance and fitting in. She makes herself look exactly like everyone else. During the “workshop” they learned about “different body types and how some clothes are tzinua for one type but not another.” Practical information right? Well not for a girl who is now wondering what her body type is and if her clothes are all wrong for it… And she learned about only wearing clothes with a “Yiddishe tam,” which makes her wonder about all her clothes not bought in frum store. It is my opinion that this is only feeding into her clothing and tzniut obsession already bordering on OCD IMO. I want to discuss with the school but am not sure how to approach it.

amother

Maroon

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:26 pm

I very much relate to what you're saying as I have a dd who is similar in this way. Personally, I'd refrain from having this conversation with the school just yet. I think right now, your dd's anxiety and ocd tendencies should be addressed first. Once you've dealt with that, it may be beneficial for the school to keep in mind that there may be girls with similar inclinations when discussing such topics.

amother

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:30 pm

amother Maroon wrote:

Thanks. She is seeing a therapist.

tigerwife

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:35 pm

I’d call the machaneches and give her a heads up about the anxiety, and I’d encourage your daughter to reach out to ask specific questions since it seems like the workshop was for a general audience and it’s Ok to have specific questions.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:46 pm

I can’t believe that I am saying this, but before you speak to anyone, do you have other daughters who need to get into high school and how hard is it, and how involved is the school in the girls shidduchim as references?
I cannot believe I just said that, as I firmly believe in doing what is right and help future classes, that being said, you need to prioritize your daughter.

I do not know if your daughter is a nice girl, or a little bit of a bully. I do not know what her body type is. I might address the individual issues with her explaining that a Yiddishe tam, pertains to not having words written across your chest, even though the shirt has a high neck and long sleeves. That. That body type is a girl with curves, cannot wear a pencil skirt, even though it is a long enough, whereas a string bean girl can. Reinforce with her that you would never let her leave the house looking inappropriate or not mess. And that she knows this, it is instinctive to her, and it always has been and you see it, and how she dresses, and what she picks up for herself.

amother

Ginger

Tue, May 09 2023, 8:52 pm

I wonder if we send to the same school. Ours also had a tznius workshop recently. It’s a small and warm school, I’d definitely encourage her to reach out to a teacher. Tell her tznius should make her feel comfortable with herself and not anxious.

amother

Wed, May 10 2023, 12:34 pm

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

I am trying to fully understand your comment. Are you implying that by bringing this up to the school I am limiting my dd’s chances for a shidduch? And no she is not a bully… she is a shy girl trying really hard to fit in. Her actual body type is not relevant. I definitely can hear your practical advice in this comment but find the first part a little harsh for no real reason. But maybe I am misunderstanding entirely.

amother

Wed, May 10 2023, 12:40 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Could be, but let’s not go there, lol. I agree that this particular school, whether or not the same one, is sensitive to the girls and it would be ok for her to ask questions. She is very reserved though and might not. BH, they really care about all the girls and their well-being so I don’t think I couldn’t bring it up if I needed to.

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 10 2023, 1:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Right. What I mean is if the school is the one who brought up these insecurities, they should also be there to help with confusing questions and anxieties.

On your end, I think it’s good just to validate her and encourage her that while her inspiration is good, it should be a good feeling and not based on fear.

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