WWYD-let children wear dress to make kallah happy?

amother

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:15 pm

We have a wedding coming up. DD8 and DD4 are being bridesmaids. However, the kallah seems to have fallen in love with a gown that I personally hate.
Do I set aside my preferences for the kallah? I don't think dds will care. TBH it didn't look that flattering when they tried it on, I don't know if it would look better once it's altered.

amother

Raspberry

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:22 pm

Nope. It's my job to dress my kids. I know I'll get haters here for saying that. Do you always consult with the kallah before going to a wedding? I certainly don't.
If you can find something you both like, as bestbubby suggested, that's really nice of you. But really, it's your kids, you get to choose their clothes.

amother

Lime

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:22 pm

Be misamech the Kallah.

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life what the dresses look like? Do you think someone will not redt a shidduch to your 8yo in 10 years because she wore an ugly dress in 2023? Of course not. Put a huge smile on your face and tell your DDs they look beautiful

chanatron1000

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:38 pm

amother Raspberry wrote:

The purpose of dressing up for a wedding is to make the kallah happy. If everyone would consult the kallah before going to the wedding, that would be a burden. But when the kallah makes her preferences clear, it's right to honor them.

Also, even though they're you're kids, they're their own people with their own opinions. It's your responsibility to nurture them and protect them, but they should make their own decisions where age appropriate.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:39 pm

And on the flip side, if you unilaterally choose a different dress, it will make the kallah annoyed with you, or at least roll her eyes at you, every time she looks at her wedding album.

Have you told the kallah how you feel? Nicely, of course.

amother

Thistle

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:42 pm

Where I come from, the bride chooses the bridesmaid dresses- nothing to discuss. Even if she asks opinions, she gets the final say.
I’m from London

Jewishmom8

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:48 pm

my feeling is that if the dress makes your girls look bad or is not flattering for their body type do not make them wear it.
if its just a question of taste then just do it for the kalla.

amother

Valerian

Thu, May 11 2023, 3:51 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

Where I come from, the bride chooses the bridesmaid dresses- nothing to discuss. Even if she asks opinions, she gets the final say.
I’m from London

In today’s day and age people still tolerate being controlled? It’s ridiculous

amother

NeonPink

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:05 pm

amother Valerian wrote:

In today’s day and age people still tolerate being controlled? It’s ridiculous

Some people let their yetzer harah control them which makes them think only about themselves and some have control over their yetzer harah, so they are able to put others, aka the kallah first.

Its not a sign of weakness to give in.

amother

Lime

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:06 pm

amother NeonPink wrote:

Beautifully said.

Being mevater is not a sign of weakness.

Rabbit613

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:10 pm

Some kallas have a vision and dreams about every aspect of their wedding and it really means alot to them when things go according to it. They can look back at their pictures and feel like they jad the wedding of their dreams. Enabling a kallas dreams to happen is probably a big mitzva. However if it makes you too unhappy try to compromise and fund something that makes you both happy.

watergirl

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:16 pm

amother Valerian wrote:

In today’s day and age people still tolerate being controlled? It’s ridiculous

No one is controlling. You can decline the offer of standing up in the wedding if you don’t want to participate as requested.

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:30 pm

My SIL wanted the girls to wear a certain dress for her wedding. They offered to pay for them so I didn't mind, it was way more then I'd ever spend on kids gowns.
I think that if a kallah demands everyone wear a certain dress, she has to pay for them. But if the girls are older girls and they don't look good in the dress or don't like them, I wouldn't force them to wear it.

hiitsme

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:34 pm

I'd definitely go along with the kalla, especially if my girls like it/are fine with it. I love fashion and dress my kids very sharp (don't worry myself too ;-) but when my parents / in laws buy an outfit for the kids that I don't like I say thank you and use it, especially when e.g. going to them for Shabbos. Why not make another person feel good?

jj1236

Thu, May 11 2023, 4:39 pm

If my kids hated them then maybe I would gently tell the kallah and see if you can compromise. If it's just your preference then I think it's really nice to let the kallah choose. Who cares in the long run anyway...
Alternatively, show the kallah a pic of the girls in the dresses and maybe she'll also see that they're unflattering and change her mind. But if not, I say just let her have this one.

amother

Raspberry

Thu, May 11 2023, 5:05 pm

chanatron1000 wrote:

I never insist my kids wear anything they don't like or they think doesn't flatter them. But I don't either have to put them on something that I don't like, just because the kallah wants it. If she feels her wedding is ruined because the dress of a little girl wasn't of her choosing, I think something is wrong with that.