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-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Sun, May 14 2023, 2:31 am
DS is 9 years old. The block where I live has lots of boys his age to play with. In general, he acts like age 7. I don't think the boys his age are interested in him because of his immaturity and social awkwardness but he doesn't even want to play with the younger boys. Only the (usually younger) girls!
He'll play Chinese jump rope, ride bikes, anything the girls are playing. And he's pretty popular with them.
Should I continue letting him play with them?
DH and I have told him countless times not to but he doesn't listen.
At what age do we put our foot down?
How can I get him to play with the boys?
Besides I don't want the other boys to view him as a weirdo.
We are chassidish, for reference.
ETA my DD is a year younger than him. When he joins their games they end up fighting. And she's the one left out. Basically, he's taking away her rightful friends.
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Rappel
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Sun, May 14 2023, 2:48 am
Can your DH play with DS, and maybe invite some of the other boys to join the game? If DH runs the show, it might be easier for DS to integrate while building positive connections with his peers.
Can you involve his teacher, and moms of his classmates, in a plan that would build up his connections? Maybe a seat change, group projects, playdate invitations, learning programs -- anything that would help him bridge that gap and shine among his friends.
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amother
Bone
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Sun, May 14 2023, 2:53 am
I would find alternatives especially because he is bothering your younger daughter.
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NotInNJMommy
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Sun, May 14 2023, 6:29 am
He sounds like he may be on the spectrum and his social awkwardness is less of an issue for girls and for people of a different age. This is very common especially for boys on the spectrum, but it can apply to girls too sometimes. That may not be worth the fight.
The bigger issue is dd losing friends. They either need to be able to all play together or have their own friend groups. Also do you know if dd is also contributing to their fights? Obviously if she is, that needs to be figured out too.
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amother
Pear
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Sun, May 14 2023, 8:09 am
amother OP wrote: | DS is 9 years old. The block where I live has lots of boys his age to play with. In general, he acts like age 7. I don't think the boys his age are interested in him because of his immaturity and social awkwardness but he doesn't even want to play with the younger boys. Only the (usually younger) girls!
He'll play Chinese jump rope, ride bikes, anything the girls are playing. And he's pretty popular with them.
Should I continue letting him play with them?
DH and I have told him countless times not to but he doesn't listen.
At what age do we put our foot down?
How can I get him to play with the boys?
Besides I don't want the other boys to view him as a weirdo.
We are chassidish, for reference.
ETA my DD is a year younger than him. When he joins their games they end up fighting. And she's the one left out. Basically, he's taking away her rightful friends. |
We put our foot down when the bolded happened. That's it, he can find his own friends or be lonely, he may not take away her friends.
He started screaming, fighting, whatever, and we put him in his room and then just before we closed the door he changed his mind and decided to play with his own same-gender similar-age peers (some are DD's age and not his, whatever, it's still fine). There were a couple more instances but smaller tantrums and now he still hates the rule but gets that it's non-negotiable and respects it. From my perspective 8yo boys are better for a 12yo boy than 5-8yo girls (DD is 8, DS is 12). At least they are the same gender and if they have good social skills they are good role models for him.
BTW we are taking him for an ASD diagnosis, for this and a lot of other reasons. ASD boys are about 3 years behind their peers in everything social related and they do not understand social norms or social cues (so he wouldn't understand that it's not okay to do the bolded, we had to set it as a chok that it doesn't matter if he doesn't get it, this is the rule). We don't have the diagnosis yet but I'm 90% sure we'll get it.
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amother
Aster
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Sun, May 14 2023, 9:13 am
According to Halacha, a boy of 9 can’t touch a girl over 3…
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amother
Mauve
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Sun, May 14 2023, 9:23 am
amother Aster wrote: | According to Halacha, a boy of 9 can’t touch a girl over 3… |
Is that that true? They’re both under bar/bas mitzva. I thought an adult male can’t touch a girl over 3 and an adult female can’t touch a boy over 9.
Anyway, not quite relevant to this discussion. They might not be touching, but this is already a little old for boys and girls to play together. I try to encourage my 8 year old to find other boys to play with, instead of joining in with his sisters.
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amother
Birch
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Sun, May 14 2023, 9:26 am
I don’t let my kids play with each others friends if it leads to the correctly ages child being left out. I also don’t like them playing with the opposite gender at age 9. I’ve put my foot down in both those scenarios.
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amother
Pistachio
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Sun, May 14 2023, 9:36 am
My 8 yr old son has HF ASD.
Outside hel play with the boys.
But inside, he will play with my daughters friends no problem.
She is 11.
Its mostly board games and the like.
Regardless of who he is, sometimws I get nervous that the other parents wont want their daughter to play with him.
I hope it doesnt come to that because he doesnt understand how its not really appropriate.
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amother
Sunflower
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Sun, May 14 2023, 11:04 am
Time for plan C. You gotta brain storm something else.
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miami85
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Sun, May 14 2023, 11:25 am
ADHD is also known for immaturity and lack of social-cue awareness. 7-10 can be an awkward age for boys especially if there is any kind of developmental lag not all boys develop at the same pace and some are more masculine than others and some are just not ready for that jump. They don't have the hormonal surge yet that defines boys from girls and the more developed boys may be more dominant and aggressive than they can handle, whereas girls are more communicative, nurturing and patient. When we moved my kids were in co-ed classes in a small out-of-town day school and my son with ADHD/developmental issues was "cared for" by a girl in his class until the classes split/Covid and they were more like 8-9 years old.
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Rappel
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:22 pm
miami85 wrote: | ADHD is also known for immaturity and lack of social-cue awareness. 7-10 can be an awkward age for boys especially if there is any kind of developmental lag not all boys develop at the same pace and some are more masculine than others and some are just not ready for that jump. They don't have the hormonal surge yet that defines boys from girls and the more developed boys may be more dominant and aggressive than they can handle, whereas girls are more communicative, nurturing and patient. When we moved my kids were in co-ed classes in a small out-of-town day school and my son with ADHD/developmental issues was "cared for" by a girl in his class until the classes split/Covid and they were more like 8-9 years old. |
Beautifully said.
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#BestBubby
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:46 pm
Set up play dates with boys a couple of years younger.
Buy DS cool toys and nosh to attract friends.
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amother
OP
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:55 pm
Thank you everyone for your replies.
He was diagnosed 3 years ago with ASD. But the diagnosis didn't sit right with us since he's so normal in other ways.
He was recently diagnosed with ADHD-meaning he wasn't picking up social cues and nuances other boys did over the years.
If not for him getting in his sister's way I would wait it out. But I can't have him ruining her friendship with the neighbors.
Pear, I like the way you put it down. That till he understands what's wrong it's a chok.
I have to really put my foot down.
It's just so hard to do cuz he really enjoys playing with the girls. And they love playing with him, too.
With the girls he's a natural leader.
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amother
OP
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:57 pm
#BestBubby wrote: | Set up play dates with boys a couple of years younger.
Buy DS cool toys and nosh to attract friends. |
He has a friend a year younger, also a bit immature. He goes there sometimes but the kid rather play with his own neighbors.
Some of the younger boys on my block are interested in him but he rather play withthe girls.
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amother
OP
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:58 pm
miami85 wrote: | ADHD is also known for immaturity and lack of social-cue awareness. 7-10 can be an awkward age for boys especially if there is any kind of developmental lag not all boys develop at the same pace and some are more masculine than others and some are just not ready for that jump. They don't have the hormonal surge yet that defines boys from girls and the more developed boys may be more dominant and aggressive than they can handle, whereas girls are more communicative, nurturing and patient. When we moved my kids were in co-ed classes in a small out-of-town day school and my son with ADHD/developmental issues was "cared for" by a girl in his class until the classes split/Covid and they were more like 8-9 years old. |
Yes. This makes sense. Especially as his diagnosis was changed from ASD to ADHD.
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amother
OP
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Sun, May 14 2023, 12:59 pm
NotInNJMommy wrote: | He sounds like he may be on the spectrum and his social awkwardness is less of an issue for girls and for people of a different age. This is very common especially for boys on the spectrum, but it can apply to girls too sometimes. That may not be worth the fight.
The bigger issue is dd losing friends. They either need to be able to all play together or have their own friend groups. Also do you know if dd is also contributing to their fights? Obviously if she is, that needs to be figured out too. |
They are both contributing but the end of the day it's her friends and then she gets left out.
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amother
Vanilla
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Sun, May 14 2023, 2:09 pm
Op I know several boys like that. On my block, in my bungalow colony, in my family. It’s pretty common.
(You’ll also find tomboy girls who love to play rough games with the boys.)
My point is, it’s pretty normal and I don’t think you should make a big deal about it. Perhapsyp some gentle prodding to find boys he connects with.
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amother
Mint
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Sun, May 14 2023, 4:02 pm
I wouldn't say anything.. I think you reinforce his desire to play with girls. Maybe take a walk with him, find boys, and see if someone wants to come over. and a friendship will maybe develop. or sign him up for music lessons, a building workshop, anything to keep him busy. and that can also be a place where he makes friends.
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amother
Orange
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Sun, May 14 2023, 4:06 pm
The only real problem I see here I that he’s getting in his sisters way. Other than that I would ignore the situation. It’ll sort itself out eventually.
Growing up there was one boy on the block who only wanted to play with the girls. My father didn’t allow us to play with him (past ages 10-12) so it made for some sticky situations but we figured it out.
Can you get him into some kind of big brother/little brother relationship with an older boy and have that boy take him out sometimes?
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