Am I right to be upset?

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:23 am

I gave birth 13 weeks ago to our bechor after 6 years (we had small issues but also I had to recover from anorexia) and from some of DH siblings I got a phone call some went to the smachos (we live OOT). But one sent a text message to DH with Mazal Tov. I spoiled this sibling with gifts when she got a baby etc I don’t except a diamond ring but I do except something more than a Primark suit which my inlaws brought over and a text message. Now DHs brother got a baby boy after 5 girls and this sibling is raising money for the bris, and a bracelet from Tiffany’s for the mother etc… well I’m so so so upset and DH is mad at me about it. I refuse to buy any gifts for them now. I feel so left out and not valued.

amother

Oleander

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:35 am

It’s definitely hurtful but it sounds like they don’t have money. If they’re raising money for a bris, maybe they really couldn’t afford more than a primark outfit.
As a side note, I’ve bought all my siblings baby gifts and always been there for them and when I had a baby I didn’t get anything back. It’s tough.

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:40 am

amother Oleander wrote:

They do have money, they raised the money for the other sibling and got me a Primark outfit... I'm really into giving personalized gifts. I grew up that way. If I know you like massages I give you a massage (ok im a masseuse myself I give you the top treatment for free). If your children love boardgames I go look for a nice boardgame, if you like to read, I get you a pile of magazines with a breakfast as kimpeturin. I do expect something back.

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:43 am

I gave a sibling in law many baby gifts when she had a baby, didn't get any thank you, got zero in return when I had a baby, and no, I am not sending a gift this time around. It obviously isn't important

amother

NeonOrange

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:44 am

I would be hurt too. And I’d tell dh instead of giving money for her for a Tiffany bracelet I’d like to put that money towards a Tiffany bracelet for myself Smile

Mazal tov op
Hopefully once you’re able to accept your feelings you’ll be able to move on.

amother

Cappuccino

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:45 am

Mazal tov!

Maybe the other siblings don't like your husband, and it's about him and them and not about you?

I would definitely feel bad if that happened to me.

amother

SandyBrown

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:46 am

If its a repeated pattern that you feel they don't like you maybe this is one sign, its normal to feel bad that they don't like you.

If its just different ways of values, its just what it is, no need to be upset.

The raising money seems like there must be more to it than you know because that is embarrassing to be recipient of otherwise.

Marriage wise, its just stuff, Hashem should give you everything you need and want, its not worth ruining or damaging your marriage over by just not being "like, whatever" about it and just keeping the peace.

amother

Geranium

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:46 am

Not everyone is good at gift giving (I'm not).

You have a choice. His family is going to be your family and your baby's family. I say try to be the better person and be gracious.

amother

Mint

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:46 am

Totally normal to be upset. But at some point you need to realize that this is how you are and this is how they are.

I gave my sister in law thousands of dollars of hand me down baby equipment and clothing and barely got a thank you. Gifts were always an issue, never liked anything and such. At some point I learned to give what I want, with a gift receipt, and that she is just not happy and I need to move on. Our relationship (on my side) is much better since I learned to accept her for who she is.

Dokt go out of your way to give but also, not giving isn't going to make you feel better.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:51 am

I feel the same way. Send a minimal amount to be part of the gift giving. Also, send a Primark gift for baby. This way you are part of the family. It is never good to harbor resentment. YOU be the lady!! Im sure your husband would appreciate it, too.

ra_mom

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:56 am

I'm so sorry, that's very hurtful.
Mazel Tov! May Hashem send you Bracha and Shefa and all things good.

Last edited by ra_mom on Sun, May 14 2023, 11:58 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Orange

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:57 am

I would also be upset, I'm wondering why are they collecting for a bracelet for her? Is she struggling money wise or on the other extreme is she more fancy and they need to impress her more?
I used to gift a lot too and didnt get a thank you from some until I realised its not so important to them. To me it may be a love language and not them? Either way I cut back on gift giving but wondering if they appreciated it when you gifted them?

amother

Hyssop

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:58 am

amother Mint wrote:

thousands of dollars of used baby equipment is not the same value like if you had to resell. Come on. I would be grateful but oh please!

amother

IndianRed

Sun, May 14 2023, 11:59 am

Yes, you have a right to be upset.

When having a baby after six years, you expect everyone to rejoice and join in your Simcha. If their reaction is lukewarm, of cousre it's hurtful.

#BestBubby

Sun, May 14 2023, 12:08 pm

That is hurtful, but not worth starting a fight over.

Give minimally and accept you wont get much from her and move on.

In the merit of Sholom. May you be blessed with all good.

amother

Glitter

Sun, May 14 2023, 12:14 pm

Maybe it’s different cultures.
When my sibling in law had a baby after waiting for a while I was effusive with my Mazel tov and spent maybe $50 on a gift. I’m not at the place of affording a lot. A gift is just a token to show you are celebrating with them. I communicated how excited and happy I was, and thought that was enough.
I didn’t think people get all picky about where the gift was from and how much was spent.
Some people may feel uncomfortable calling up a sis in law and think a text is sufficient with a gift.
I’m sorry your hurt op, maybe try to see the other side.

amother

Mauve

Sun, May 14 2023, 12:23 pm

I don’t know if differences in culture is the answer here. It’s not that they don’t give gifts, it’s that they don’t give gifts to HER.

I’m sorry, OP. I’d be hurt, too.

You should have only nachas from your new baby! Mazel tov!