Kids responsible for siblings bedtime routines

amother

Mon, May 15 2023, 11:41 pm

My neighbor works odd hours -and is out of the house sometimes after the kids come home from school.
She has high school kids that I always felt had too much responsibilities and say in the household….they basically do the shopping, cleaning (there’s also cleaning help but they’re very particular) lots of child care etc..

Recently I heard that the 9 and 10 year old kids take turns doing full bath and bedtime for the younger siblings….
They are very matter of fact about it and don’t seem bothered.
Well rounded kids happy, and have all their needs met…

It really just feels off to me…way too young for such responsibilities, and way too young for the younger kids to be taken care of by kids….

Is this okay to others?

amother

Vanilla

Mon, May 15 2023, 11:43 pm

I grew up doing full bedtime routine for at least 4 kids, and no, it's not normal. That's the parents responsibility. 9 & 10 year old kids shouldn't be running the home while mom is at work, that's child abuse. I also looked like a happy well rounded kid, it doesn't mean anything.
But I don't think that there's anything you can do about it.

amother

Marigold

Tue, May 16 2023, 1:50 am

First of all you heard news which really wasn’t yours to know. I mean even if you do know and you think it’s not OK what do you plan on doing about it? I mean I know people but I think I do things that should not be done but there’s really nothing I can do unless it’s something dangerous or illegal. And even then I would think twice before meddling in someone else’s life when I really don’t have first-hand information

amother

Obsidian

Tue, May 16 2023, 7:25 am

People in desperate financial situations sometimes need to do things that are not ideal. Please don't judge them.
I had a friend in high school who had way too much responsibility. What should her parents do? They needed to work in the evenings to survive. They needed to work in the summers but could not afford camp so the teenage daughter was left in charge. It was a sad situation, and I wish someone would have helped them, but the parents could not be blamed here.

amother

Jasmine

Tue, May 16 2023, 7:30 am

amother OP wrote:

Honestly, the worst thing you can do is judge them and be all holier than thou.

Is this ideal? Well no.
Is it ok? Yes. What are you doing about it anyway?

The kids are well adjusted. What more can you ask for?

amother

Magnolia

Tue, May 16 2023, 7:43 am

Not your business as long as kids are safe. Sounds like this is a single-parent home . What, precisely, would you suggest? Unless you're volunteering to come every night to help with the housework and oversee bedtime, you have no skin in this game.

Responsibility is a good thing to learn young. These kids may in fact have too much of it owing to a less than ideal family situation, but what do you suggest they do differently? Let things go to rack and ruin so that CPS has to get involved? Sue their father, assuming there is one, for financial support so they can hire a housekeeper? When mom has to work to support the family, children have to shoulder more responsibility, that's a fact of life.

amother

Tue, May 16 2023, 7:46 am

amother Magnolia wrote:

2 parent household.
No family situation.
Money is not an issue at all- the opposite.

I’m closer to the situation than you think, but still per all your advice will keep my mouth shut.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, May 16 2023, 7:54 am

amother Khaki wrote:

I see that in families where the mother doesn't work. Stop stirring the pot in your neighborhood and get a job.

Yes sadly this. My mom doesn't work. I'm one of the oldest, and I have lots of little siblings. She doesn't believe in bc and keeps having kids. My siblings living at home have way too much responsibility!!!!! My heart breaks for them! I myself am torn about the situation because as much as I'd love to go help out, I was not taught the correct house management skills and am trying to figure it out which means my house is forever a jungle. So if I'm devoting time to helping her, I can only do so when I finish my household responsibilities which is never. (And let's factor in I have children to take care of myself). Also, say I were to ignore household duties and go help, my mom is so so toxic!!! Can't go into detail here as I'd out myself but for my mental health it is best I don't go often. Except she can't understand that.
Sorry to have gone off topic her but phew I feel so much better!

amother

Silver

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:02 am

amother OP wrote:

2 parent household.
No family situation.
Money is not an issue at all- the opposite.

I’m closer to the situation than you think, but still per all your advice will keep my mouth shut.

I agree with you it’s really inappropriate and sad for those kids.

amother

Silver

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:03 am

amother Hotpink wrote:

Can you try to have your siblings over when you can? It sounds hard for them.

amother

Mustard

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:07 am

I’m in therapy now and one of the things we’re working through was the excessive responsibility that I had as a child. My therapist explained to me many times that it’s healthy for children to help out. The problem is when they feel the burden of responsibility on them, rather than the burden being on the parents and the kids are just helping.

It’s probably hard to tell from the outside which is the case here. And even if they do have excessive burden on the older kids, what can a neighbor do about it?

singleagain

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:17 am

amother OP wrote:

2 parent household.
No family situation.
Money is not an issue at all- the opposite.

I’m closer to the situation than you think, but still per all your advice will keep my mouth shut.

Reading your OP screams of parentification. Add that to this and it seems like it's not out of necessity.... I don't know where to advise.

But those poor kids will be burnt out from having to take care of the younger ones.

I don't understand how ppl are being this off as not a big deal and myob. My understanding is that parentification is a type of abuse. ... Would you stand by if it were other types of abuse?

amother

Caramel

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:31 am

amother OP wrote:

2 parent household.
No family situation.
Money is not an issue at all- the opposite.

I’m closer to the situation than you think, but still per all your advice will keep my mouth shut.

The way you wrote your op it felt as though this was a random neighbor. If you have a bit of influence here and you know they can afford to hire help, then why not speak up.

amother

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:51 am

The funny thing is I equally have issues with the fact that the little ones are being put to bed by kids, as I have issues with the fact that kids have too much responsibility.

Kids don’t have empathy like mothers do, kids are rigid, and don’t evaluate a situation from an adults point of view…IE- let a kids stay up 10 minutes longer because of circumstances..

amother

Coffee

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:56 am

amother OP wrote:

I grew up putting my younger siblings to bed all the time. Not because my mother worked. But because she had a family larger than she could manage, and that was her escape time. (She wanted a large family in theory, but not to take care of.)

I had far more empathy and patience for my younger siblings than my mother did.

You are presupposing a functional, capable, empathetic mother. Not all are.

amother

RosePink

Tue, May 16 2023, 8:56 am

And I'm sitting here wondering how a 9 and 10 year old manage that? My older teen can't keep the little ones in bed on the nights I ask her to pitch in with bedtime.

amother

Vanilla

Tue, May 16 2023, 9:33 am

singleagain wrote:

Those that are saying that it's no big deal, either didn't grow up like that and don't understand it, or they do the same to their children.
But it is a big deal & may cause issues later on in life.